The best you can do is the best you can do

was basically the message I got from my psychologist this week. I told him how stressful the whole asthma thing was, how it screwed up my going back to school with meds giving me panic attacks and feeling pressure to perform and get top grades to get into grad school eventually, and on top of everything being forced to quit smoking cigarettes because of the asthma. Also been bothered about what my fiance will do in the future and feeling busy with so many things to do and already assignments are due and quizzes coming up. I feel like I'm being pushed to the limit with no breaks and you know what that means. Queue the self-destructive thoughts of taking all my meds at once or trying to buy cocaine. But my psychologist is right, all I can do is my best, cut down on unnecessary activities and things will work out. There's no need to be more than I am or do more than I can do because otherwise I would run myself into the ground and that won't do anyone any good. Just take one thing at a time, do my best with them and that will be enough. Sounds simple but I'm not quite used to thinking this way yet. It's especially hard to think this way if you are a perfectionist or expect alot from yourself. I used to do just that with myself most of my life but thanks to therapy, I'm getting better at accepting myself and trusting that things will work out as long as I do my best and stay obstinate with what I want.

freaking out this semester

It seems harder to get into the groove of school this semester compared to last year but maybe I'm just remembering wrong and it was always hard. Or maybe it's because of missing the whole second week of school thanks to hospitalizing asthma. I take meds now that give me heart palpitations so if I feel nervous about something at the same time, it feels like I'm having a panic attack. That's what happened this Monday, my first day back after being in the hospital. I managed to get to class but everything was making me more emotional. This girl in front of me was yapping it up with the people around her and I felt jealous that I couldn't be as social and talkative and then she started talking about her mom and I felt like I was getting driven crazy inside. I kept saying in my head, stop talking about your mom! And luckily the teacher came in and I was able to focus on what she said after that. I think that incident is something of a bad sign. I figured since I've forgiven my mom, I don't have PTSD anymore but it looks like I could be wrong. Which means I could still have a really hard time in the spring when it's her bday and day of passing. I need to talk to my psychologist about this. Right now I'm freaking out again. We have an assignment due in a week and it has to be exactly the way APA formatting wants it. Which means lots of random details have to be just so and my brain is stressing over it all in fast-forward fashion...

World Suicide Prevention Day (was yesterday oops)

Thanks to facebook I got reminded of an important day which just passed. We have a long way to go towards preventing suicide, fighting the stigma against it and recognizing it as a symptom of mental illness (in 90% of cases). Actually, someone I know is gonna run a marathon for suicide prevention. When I found out, I felt more respect for her and thought I should tell her why. I told her, I think it's a wonderful cause to run for and that I attempted suicide myself 7 times over 4 years. Unexpectedly I felt tears well up in my eyes and there was an awkward moment since we don't know each other very well. Sigh, I guess I still get haunted by my past and any time I get emotional in a negative way, old habits like to sneak up on me. Like these past few days. I caught a cold, which is going away, but it also triggered my asthma and my pump stopped working so I know well what that means, I have to go to the ER. Usually I get seen right away and they give me a Ventolin mask and after a few hours to a day, I can breathe again and I'm on my way home. NOT this time. I went to the hospital, they just said here's a prescription for another pump, go home after making me wait over 2 hours for a breathing problem. I started crying while waiting because I felt like they had forgotten me but I couldn't say anything because I was afraid they would say something hurtful, like in the past when I was in the ER continually for mental illness problems. I've had nurses yell at me, orderlies see me and say oh not her again, I've overheard paramedics say I have 'female' problems, even doctors have said to me you just want attention, go home or to a crisis center. How callous and cynical do you have to be to say such things to someone who is suicidal? Yes I need attention because I'm not safe from myself anymore! I can't control the urges to hurt or kill myself and that's when I need a hospital, not just staying home or at a crisis center. They would have sent me to the hospital if I went there anyways. So needless to say, I was traumatized from being in the ER again and remembering all this. But my breathing didn't get any better so I had to go to the hospital again but this time I went to a different one. I got treated better but they still didn't give me a mask and just gave me more pumps and pills and told me to go home. It is now the next day and my breathing is still not any better but not any worse either and I don't know what to do. I am so emotionally drained from being in hospitals, remembering traumatizing memories, that I'm starting to get suicidal thoughts again. Or at least self-harm. Doesn't that sound so weak? Just because I'm having a hard time with my asthma I wanna die? Well that's an overly simplistic view. I have BPD which means I'm very sensitive emotionally, and can only stand so much in terms of stress. Eventually I can't stand it anymore, I break down and I search for ways to escape the stress. That means I start thinking about escaping with drugs, hurting myself and trying to get into a coma or worse. With therapy I can see that there are other ways to deal with stress but when it's really bad and nothing else works, I get more and more tempted by self-destruction. So now I'm battling on two fronts, my physical health and my mental health. God please make it stop!

school started

eeek! I haven't been sleeping well due to stress from school starting. I'd sleep and dream for a couple hours, then wake up, then dream again and wake up etc... I'm not sure I'm in the right state of mind. I still feel vacational and stupid. Not good because I have a very philosophical class on the history of psychology and stats. Oh Lord, put me in the right state of mind, conducive for school!
On a completely different note, but not totally unrelated, here is something that illustrates hilariously the horrible life I used to lead. It would be impossible to do school on a seaweed diet. I'm thankful everyday to God that I am functional again and can wake up, feel ok, go to school and do what I have to do everyday! Well almost. I still have the occasional off day but that's ok too. My various mental illnesses appear to be manageable finally.