World Suicide Prevention Day (was yesterday oops)

Thanks to facebook I got reminded of an important day which just passed. We have a long way to go towards preventing suicide, fighting the stigma against it and recognizing it as a symptom of mental illness (in 90% of cases). Actually, someone I know is gonna run a marathon for suicide prevention. When I found out, I felt more respect for her and thought I should tell her why. I told her, I think it's a wonderful cause to run for and that I attempted suicide myself 7 times over 4 years. Unexpectedly I felt tears well up in my eyes and there was an awkward moment since we don't know each other very well. Sigh, I guess I still get haunted by my past and any time I get emotional in a negative way, old habits like to sneak up on me. Like these past few days. I caught a cold, which is going away, but it also triggered my asthma and my pump stopped working so I know well what that means, I have to go to the ER. Usually I get seen right away and they give me a Ventolin mask and after a few hours to a day, I can breathe again and I'm on my way home. NOT this time. I went to the hospital, they just said here's a prescription for another pump, go home after making me wait over 2 hours for a breathing problem. I started crying while waiting because I felt like they had forgotten me but I couldn't say anything because I was afraid they would say something hurtful, like in the past when I was in the ER continually for mental illness problems. I've had nurses yell at me, orderlies see me and say oh not her again, I've overheard paramedics say I have 'female' problems, even doctors have said to me you just want attention, go home or to a crisis center. How callous and cynical do you have to be to say such things to someone who is suicidal? Yes I need attention because I'm not safe from myself anymore! I can't control the urges to hurt or kill myself and that's when I need a hospital, not just staying home or at a crisis center. They would have sent me to the hospital if I went there anyways. So needless to say, I was traumatized from being in the ER again and remembering all this. But my breathing didn't get any better so I had to go to the hospital again but this time I went to a different one. I got treated better but they still didn't give me a mask and just gave me more pumps and pills and told me to go home. It is now the next day and my breathing is still not any better but not any worse either and I don't know what to do. I am so emotionally drained from being in hospitals, remembering traumatizing memories, that I'm starting to get suicidal thoughts again. Or at least self-harm. Doesn't that sound so weak? Just because I'm having a hard time with my asthma I wanna die? Well that's an overly simplistic view. I have BPD which means I'm very sensitive emotionally, and can only stand so much in terms of stress. Eventually I can't stand it anymore, I break down and I search for ways to escape the stress. That means I start thinking about escaping with drugs, hurting myself and trying to get into a coma or worse. With therapy I can see that there are other ways to deal with stress but when it's really bad and nothing else works, I get more and more tempted by self-destruction. So now I'm battling on two fronts, my physical health and my mental health. God please make it stop!