how L is doing

So I got a chance to talk to L at my friend's house but it didn't go quite the way I expected. The good news is that she's trying. She doesn't want to die and is in fact scared of it. She appreciated my insightful words and now we're good friends. I call her almost everyday to see how she's doing and just share. But boy did my other friend get in the way that night! He decided to get drunk, then stoned then high on blow and got so chatty and kept interrupting me and yelling things like "I'm gonna put your head in a lock and force feed you a turkey!" to L. I had to restrain myself I was getting angry and frustrated but it's ok since I've had more time with her without him around (I was stoned and high too). Even though she's not sure she believes, she actually asked me to come to small group and church! She came to both each once now and she loved it! I'm so happy she can meet nice people who can care for her. She told me she was completely isolated from everyone, stuck in a depression and believing everyone is dangerous. But in group she became very chatty and people enjoyed talking with her just as much as she did with them. She felt that they were very good people and wants to come back! I'm just happy she can get prayed for now and won't feel that no one would care if she died which is what she told me earlier. The not so great news is that she's around 85 pounds and only eats 300 calories in vegetables a day. She thinks it's enough and in fact sees nothing but fat in the mirror. I told her we can help each other out and keep each other company in our dark times that we're both having. And hopefully we can both face our past pain and get healed by God and live free and happy.

just gotta face it

You know, I'm tired of self-destructing. Whether in a slow or fast fashion it's a real drag. And I hope I don't wait till I hit another rock bottom to do something about it. I just gotta face my fears, but that's the problem. I'm so friggin scared. But I commit to meeting with my pastor and a couple trusted individuals and opening up about my past hurts to receive healing from God. I've just got to do it even though my whole emotional being says NOOOOO. I don't want to be shackled to the past forever. I don't want to keep suffering every time something reminds me of my childhood and I want to be done with grieving already. And I'm getting sick of blasting my mind all the time to avoid the massive weight on my shoulders. I've got to surrender it to Jesus and be free to move on with life. But I'm so scared to do it. Why? Because I'm a spoiled brat who doesn't want to face the music, it looks like. So what can I do about it? I'm honestly at a loss except to pray about it. I'm sorry God, for being such a stupid selfish brat. I know what's best for me now but I still won't do it. I can't believe how frustrating this is. What if I end up like my dead addicted friend? Jesus save me from myself. Even though I don't believe I deserve to live I know You want me to be more than I am now. Sometimes I really just want to die but I know You don't want me to. Why does everything have to be so hard and contradictory? I just want peace.

volunteering now

I've finally started volunteering at my friend's work once a week. It's at an activities centre for adults with physical disabilities, mostly cerebral palsy. It's often tricky to communicate since they can't move their mouths well but they are intellectually the same as anyone else. It must be so difficult to be trapped in a body that won't listen to you. So I do what I can to make their day more enjoyable and it feels good to be somewhat useful and helpful. I honestly feel that I benefit more than them by being there. It gives me something to be proud of, instead of always being the mentally ill drug addict. It brings me closer to my true identity of being a child of God who is loved by Jesus and wants to share that love with others. It's one baby step closer to my future as someone who follows Jesus' selfless ways. I just pray that I stick to it. It's been 3 weeks and so far so good. I just chat with the clients, sometimes help them with art activities or just watch what's going on. I can handle that.

what do you do?!

What do you do when you see someone slowly dying in front of your eyes because they are in complete, hopeless despair and don't want to live anymore? My good friend who passed away almost exactly a year ago was the one in despair and slowly killing himself with drugs. Me and mutual friends tried to talk to him, told him rehab could really help. His mom still cries to me when she talks about all the ER visits and trips to doctors to get him help but he always refused it and since he was considered of sound mind, she couldn't do anything about it since he still had his right to say no. We did our best but he would always turn the tables around and say, "well what about you?" when we suggested rehab and that would always shut us up. It still makes me guilty to know I was always too high and in despair myself to really help him. And now he's gone, he just didn't wake up one day. Now I mention all this because there is another mutual friend from the psych ward who I'll call L and she's diagnosed with borderline personality disorder like me. But where my main BPD problem is substance abuse, hers is anorexia and she's literally starving herself to death. She actually went down to 61 lbs had seizures, had cardiac arrest twice in the ambulance and stayed in the ICU for at least 2 weeks. She has a cute little son and she doesn't want to live. It's like watching my old friend die all over again. So I scream again, "WHAT DO YOU DO?! when you witness someone going through this deadly hopeless destructive despair?? Have a glass of mead, ok just partially kidding. These people need help but they refuse it. But it's still such a tragedy when they lose their lives. It's a symptom of their issues that they refuse. I can't just stand by idly as they march towards their untimely deaths in front of my eyes. I don't know her that well but I've got to do something. At least try my best to reach out to her, tell her it will get better or something. Bring hope. I used to think hope was just a trivial concept from Disney movies but that's not true at all. In these cases it makes the difference between life and death. The only reason I'm alive today after all I've been through and all the terrible hopeless despair I felt is my faith in Jesus. He always gave me hope that things would get better, at least in heaven if not here. Anyways, that's my goal. I'm gonna try to get some private chat time with her and try to give her some hope. And pray. And that's the best I can do.

but scared shitless

Alas I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of my pain and let God heal me. Doesn't that sound so freakin' stupid?? Here's the solution, the one thing that will make your life infinitely better and I'm insanely scared of it. The therapists from the DBT group are so right. Pain has become a comfortable friend, something I got so used to living with that I can't fathom living without it. Also, it does validate my identity. I am someone who goes through and has dealt with alot. That makes me special and explains/justifies my sensitivity and self-destructive actions. I hold onto it because it's all I know. Lord, I just pray that You will move me to a place where I'm truly ready to let go, forgive and accept everything bad that's happened to me. May I not get discouraged over my not being ready. That's the sort of thing that gets me suicidally depressed. I believe You will make me ready. Please. For now I guess I'm still getting buzzed.

btw

hello people who know me personally. i'm fine with comments as long as my real name isn't in it! you know, paranoid and all. yes the drugs don't help that. can't help it for now.

I see the light!

And up I go again! But this time may be different. It started in the DBT group where they had talked about the idea that we all got used to having so much emotional pain (since we all experienced terrible trauma at young ages) that we would seek it out or prolong it by dwelling/indulging in it. Pain became a comfortable friend so we would replay terrible events in our lives in our mind or cause more pain to others around us or hurt ourselves physically. Also, it validates us in the sense of, I have all this pain so I'm allowed to be miserable, be the victim and behave inappropriately as I want since I have to live with the pain. Kinda like two people competing to prove whose gone through more trauma than the other. I found this hard to understand and apply to myself. So what, am I purposely being re-traumatized every time something or someone reminds me of my childhood? Is it my fault my memories haunt and pain me? They said no, it's unconscious. My mind keeps bringing up the past because I haven't dealt with it and keep avoiding it with drugs and alcohol. Somewhere deep inside I am angry and can't accept what happened to me so I can't let it go and move on. I thought about this and figured it must be true but also it must be very deeply hidden because I'm not aware of any actual thoughts like that about my past. All I'm aware of is the crippling emotional and physical pain and anxiety I get every time I think about it. They concluded that I've got to face and deal with the past with my individual therapist, something not easy to do but they encouraged me to get working on it. And then I felt like going to a pub or something anything to get rid of the anxiety I was getting just thinking about dealing with my traumatic past. But I didn't. I already had plans to see friends and it was the middle of the day so no one would want to go drinking with me anyway. But I definitely felt so stressed. Basically I was told I have to do the one thing I unconsciously have been dreading for years.
Then this morning I prayed about it and said "Dear Lord, in the name of the amazing name of Jesus Christ, heal the pain in my heart so that I may be completely free. I know You are the ultimate Healer and I believe You can and want to heal me and I trust in Your timing. I will be healed." And I don't know if it was from God directly or just me thinking about it but I could see myself really living free! I could actually picture myself stopping the drugs and excessive alcohol since I just wouldn't have a good reason anymore to take them. I could see myself being comfortable with myself and living with less anxiety so I could freely pursue my creative and career passions and generally being alot less scared and sensitive about everything. With no more deep emotional pain there's a massive weight lifted from my shoulders and I can more freely take on life's challenges. Free! This vision has blown me away with the hope it gives me. It's like I finally see the end of the nightmarish tunnel. It's taken 7 years just to understand that I have trauma in the past and I need to deal with it by surrendering it to God and letting Him heal me. So it might take years more to be actually healed, or maybe not but anyways I can see the light at the end. I pray I hold on to this, especially if I start feeling suicidal which I think will happen alot less if I have this hope anyways.

so up and down

One can argue it is the nature of having BPD and/or spiritually it is the devil trying to get me down after any positive success in my life but a friend from church noticed how I went from telling her everything was going very well to I'm so depressed and discouraged I couldn't do anything today in a span of a couple days. Spiritually I guess it is the devil attacking me and trying to stop any progress I make but earthly reality speaking it's really a combination of things. A few days ago I felt that I was struggling but not too much and therapy is going very well and it's been helpful. I've been trying a few techniques to distract and soothe myself when something distressing happens and it's not as good as drugs or alcohol but still helps a bit. I felt like I was on the road to getting better and dealing with my issues. Then I went out with friends and made the mistake of getting bottle service and got so tanked I couldn't walk or see. Then smoked up, and had a small mushroom before that. Which reminded me of how I used coke almost all last week. All together it's not looking so good. I sure do spend alot of time either drunk/high, thinking about when I'll do it, how to get it, how much to use etc... And I can't picture life without it all. Now I feel trapped and discouraged and depressed about it. And admitted it to my therapist today so I don't know, he might suggest stopping therapy but I hope not. But I also know my use is getting in the way. I can't remember distressing situations as much so I can't practice learning to deal with them differently. So ok I just need to cut down, but that's proving difficult too. Well, I do remember some distressing dreams that ruined the rest of the day. I dreamt that my mom was alive but treating me like she did when I was small so the whole dream I was just afraid of her and constantly worried about her opinion of whatever I was doing. It was so stressful. And when I woke up I just missed her and felt pain from being reminded of what it was like growing up. Another distressing situation happened today when my dad started talking about how nice it was to have small children around to form a family and how he didn't realize it until we had grown up. I remembered how indifferent he seemed to me when I was little and how unhappy my mom was to have to take care of me. I immediately felt physical pain from my memories that sapped my energy. I've got to find a way to deal with it and move on so it doesn't hurt so much anymore.