but scared shitless

Alas I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of my pain and let God heal me. Doesn't that sound so freakin' stupid?? Here's the solution, the one thing that will make your life infinitely better and I'm insanely scared of it. The therapists from the DBT group are so right. Pain has become a comfortable friend, something I got so used to living with that I can't fathom living without it. Also, it does validate my identity. I am someone who goes through and has dealt with alot. That makes me special and explains/justifies my sensitivity and self-destructive actions. I hold onto it because it's all I know. Lord, I just pray that You will move me to a place where I'm truly ready to let go, forgive and accept everything bad that's happened to me. May I not get discouraged over my not being ready. That's the sort of thing that gets me suicidally depressed. I believe You will make me ready. Please. For now I guess I'm still getting buzzed.