just gotta face it

You know, I'm tired of self-destructing. Whether in a slow or fast fashion it's a real drag. And I hope I don't wait till I hit another rock bottom to do something about it. I just gotta face my fears, but that's the problem. I'm so friggin scared. But I commit to meeting with my pastor and a couple trusted individuals and opening up about my past hurts to receive healing from God. I've just got to do it even though my whole emotional being says NOOOOO. I don't want to be shackled to the past forever. I don't want to keep suffering every time something reminds me of my childhood and I want to be done with grieving already. And I'm getting sick of blasting my mind all the time to avoid the massive weight on my shoulders. I've got to surrender it to Jesus and be free to move on with life. But I'm so scared to do it. Why? Because I'm a spoiled brat who doesn't want to face the music, it looks like. So what can I do about it? I'm honestly at a loss except to pray about it. I'm sorry God, for being such a stupid selfish brat. I know what's best for me now but I still won't do it. I can't believe how frustrating this is. What if I end up like my dead addicted friend? Jesus save me from myself. Even though I don't believe I deserve to live I know You want me to be more than I am now. Sometimes I really just want to die but I know You don't want me to. Why does everything have to be so hard and contradictory? I just want peace.