so up and down

One can argue it is the nature of having BPD and/or spiritually it is the devil trying to get me down after any positive success in my life but a friend from church noticed how I went from telling her everything was going very well to I'm so depressed and discouraged I couldn't do anything today in a span of a couple days. Spiritually I guess it is the devil attacking me and trying to stop any progress I make but earthly reality speaking it's really a combination of things. A few days ago I felt that I was struggling but not too much and therapy is going very well and it's been helpful. I've been trying a few techniques to distract and soothe myself when something distressing happens and it's not as good as drugs or alcohol but still helps a bit. I felt like I was on the road to getting better and dealing with my issues. Then I went out with friends and made the mistake of getting bottle service and got so tanked I couldn't walk or see. Then smoked up, and had a small mushroom before that. Which reminded me of how I used coke almost all last week. All together it's not looking so good. I sure do spend alot of time either drunk/high, thinking about when I'll do it, how to get it, how much to use etc... And I can't picture life without it all. Now I feel trapped and discouraged and depressed about it. And admitted it to my therapist today so I don't know, he might suggest stopping therapy but I hope not. But I also know my use is getting in the way. I can't remember distressing situations as much so I can't practice learning to deal with them differently. So ok I just need to cut down, but that's proving difficult too. Well, I do remember some distressing dreams that ruined the rest of the day. I dreamt that my mom was alive but treating me like she did when I was small so the whole dream I was just afraid of her and constantly worried about her opinion of whatever I was doing. It was so stressful. And when I woke up I just missed her and felt pain from being reminded of what it was like growing up. Another distressing situation happened today when my dad started talking about how nice it was to have small children around to form a family and how he didn't realize it until we had grown up. I remembered how indifferent he seemed to me when I was little and how unhappy my mom was to have to take care of me. I immediately felt physical pain from my memories that sapped my energy. I've got to find a way to deal with it and move on so it doesn't hurt so much anymore.