Who does Jesus love?

Would you shake someone's hand if you knew they were HIV positive? Would you want to get to know someone even if you knew they were transgendered or don't identify with one particular gender? Do you find it easy to make fun of 'trannies'? It's normal to feel confused or initially wary of something or someone novel but it's never ok to trample on another human being's rights. Adults should know better than to reject others just because they don't understand someone. I believe in Jesus and I know if He was on earth today in human form He would love to hang out with the homeless, the mentally ill, the drug addicts, the LGBT community, the disabled, the elderly, the poor, the prostitutes and anyone who has been stigmatized or forgotten by society. In fact I think as a Christian we should be praying for these individuals and the people who persecute them. As a member of some of these groups I know how unfair it is to be labelled and then seen as something less than human. The last shall be first and the first shall be last.

This was written after I heard a friend's story of being persecuted for sharing that he is gay and HIV positive and how it is a struggle. Personally, I'm not sure if it is a sin to be gay or change your gender or in other words, if doing those things block you from God. But I do know that even if they are sins, all sins are equal in God's eyes (though some have more bad consequences than others) and we are all sinners. None of us are in a position to judge another sinner. For example, when I was still using drugs 24/7 but still attended a small group from church, they truly showed me God's love by still accepting me and letting me be a part of the group. They of course did not tolerate me using drugs in their presence but they still let me be me and be equal even though I always came high. I will be forever grateful especially for the small group leader who is a mother and still let me in her house. I was in the depths of despair and they shone a light in my darkness. They showed me that I was/am more than just a mentally ill drug addict.

sober life so far

So I feel better now. The wedding planning is moving along. I thought I would reflect on how life is without drinking or using drugs. It's been over a month now. It feels pretty good. I'm just relieved that I don't have to calculate in my head before every time I drink exactly how many drinks I should have and the anxiety of knowing I would probably go over that anyway. No risk of falling and hitting my head again, no public drunken stupidness and no throwing up and hangovers. It's pretty awesome! Of course, it's the summer and Montreal is famous for beautiful terrasses to drink on so sometimes I miss it a bit but it just isn't worth the short amount of pleasure it gives compared to all the risks. And it gives me the freedom to go to AA, CA meetings on top of the MA meetings I've been going to which really lets me go deeper into the 12 step program which is an amazing program of spiritual growth and miraculous personal change. Hey maybe it will even help me be more functional with school!

I don't like having real parents

that tell me what to do. I realized this after crying and getting really down on myself after I talked with the in-laws about the wedding budget. I'm just not used to it. My dad was always in his own bubble and never told me not to do anything when growing up. I knew I could always get my way with him. My mom hated being a mom and insisted I think of her as a sister or friend and then of course she was sick with cancer for most of my life. No one told me what to do. My mom and I argued over minor things like what I was wearing but nothing like 'you have a curfew or can't go there or etc'. I don't think I ever got grounded for anything. And I could always buy what I wanted. So now I'm a princess. A Christian, metalhead, goth, addict, mentally ill princess. That combo doesn't even make any sense. How can I be materialistic and spiritual at the same time? I'm just a mix of extremes and I hate it.
Today at AA I shared that I feel like I live in a valley surrounded by snow-capped mountains. It takes just a pebble to fall and it triggers avalanches of emotions that bury me. Just because the in-laws are trying to be reasonable, I fucking hate myself all over again. I thought I got over this problem dammit.
And now I miss my mom. Another contradictory feeling. I wish she could be with me and I wonder what she would say as I planned my wedding. I wonder if she would make me more upset or be helpful. Probably both. Hating myself and missing my mom. What a poisonous combination...

cut down to size

Is what happened to my dreams for my wedding after talking to the in-laws lol (and not lol). I wanted a venue that was a bit expensive but they are right in reminding me it would be a third of the budget just to rent. But I visited the place, had the contract to sign and everything. I really was picturing having our reception there. Oh well. I think God was truly with me. My mom-in-law was literally freaking out and super-stressed. I suddenly felt some calm and didn't overreact to their arguments that we should really spend as little as possible considering we barely have enough money to live and they already pay for my fiance's rent. They're so practical. Which is good. It's just funny because my dad is not. I told him the price and he didn't freak out at all. He was just like, ok whatever you want. I guess I'm his princess but now my inner princess is coming out during the wedding planning and I don't like it. I don't want to be materialistic and self-centered. Ugh, am I just a spoiled brat?