I am sorry if I am sounding annoying being all happy and stuff, honestly I almost annoy myself but it's me being happy so...
This happiness is very resilient. Things that usually trigger me just don't have the same gut-punching impact they used to have. Examples:
- If someone talks about my mom I'm fine and can joke about her too.
- Me, my dad and my fiance took advantage of the very last nice day of summer and walked around the gigantic cemetery my mom is at and visited her. I felt sad and missed her extremely but I still felt good about myself and life and stuff. Crazy!
- Using dreams don't upset me any more.
- My dad talked about possibly reconciling with his possibly ex-wife who put him half a million in debt. I drained myself completely earlier in the year trying to convince him 100% that he should leave her and kick her ass in court but when he told me about reconciling last week, I was stressed but was still able to just let it go. It's his life.
- I feel like I'm not ugly even though I weigh more than before
- Kids with their moms make me happy instead of triggering upset feelings about my childhood
- A good friend of mine just got engaged and will have a massive Italian wedding. I feel happy for her and am not comparing what her wedding will be like to mine.
- I don't care if there's enough black on my wedding dress any more, I'm not going to have black beading added on for an extra 450$
Interestingly there was a couple hours one day where I got pretty upset, so upset that I became drained and had to nap and hide in my bed. I saw a video on facebook by Samaritan's Purse showing refugees from Syria coming to the shores of the island of Lesbos, Greece. The boats looked flimsy and overcrowded. Sometimes empty boats would show up. I can't really remember the details now but it was shocking and heartbreaking and I got so sad for the suffering. I can't imagine fleeing my home and country just to survive.
I guess I'm still sensitive but perhaps it can be used to care for others.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
Friday, October 9, 2015
Weeee! Am I high or something?!
It's official. I am so weirded out by my mood this past 2 weeks. I'm actually really happy. REALLY happy. WTF?! I can't remember any time in my life where I might have felt like this, not even when I was a kid (which I guess is not really that surprising seeing as I was my mom's emotional punching bag). The closest is probably when I was in Gr.11 and first year of cegep? Over 10 years ago. I wake up happy, even if I had using dreams! I'm happy even though we have no money! I'm happy even though my dearest fiance still feels lost an depressed in life! I'm happy even though I am not efficient with my time! I'm happy even though my nails are horrendously long from being to lazy to cut them and I can't remember the last time I took a shower and I stink! WHATS HAPPENING TO ME. I'm almost having a panic attack over how happy I am.
Well, I'm gonna just try and enjoy it and be thankful for this. It feels like God has finally given me relief and freedom from my pain. I don't know if this will last or if I'm gonna go into mania but for now, I don't feel like I'm journeying through a desert any more. Perhaps it's an oasis? Maybe I just needed a break from responsibilities. It feels real good to not worry about going to class. And perhaps I'm finally on the right combo of meds.
Well, I'm gonna just try and enjoy it and be thankful for this. It feels like God has finally given me relief and freedom from my pain. I don't know if this will last or if I'm gonna go into mania but for now, I don't feel like I'm journeying through a desert any more. Perhaps it's an oasis? Maybe I just needed a break from responsibilities. It feels real good to not worry about going to class. And perhaps I'm finally on the right combo of meds.
Mental Illness Awareness Week is almost over!
I am happy to see campaigns on social media and media in general about fighting the stigma surrounding mental illness but it makes me wonder... should I step out and identify myself on this blog? Do I have the courage? Would it be helpful or worth it for others? Would it actually be bad for me? The only places where I am open about my mental illnesses is at 12 step meetings and church. I've already spoken at least twice to my whole church about my struggles. I suppose it's pretty obvious on facebook since I often post about mental health... I suppose what's stopping me the most is that this blog has details of other people and I want to respect their privacy. Oh well, just a thought.
in hindsight of my summer
I was talking about myself to someone at Bible study and I realized a few things as I said them. The beginning of my summer was pretty good this year as I was barely able but actually did finish my semester and with great marks to boot. And then I got excited to plan my wedding. Little did I know that my heart was in the wrong place to deal with that kind of significant planning. I had been spiritually weak. I wasn't really spending time with God and didn't pray much if at all about the wedding planning. I went into full perfectionist princess mode ie. bridezilla and quite self-centered. I started to notice it but I couldn't stop it myself. I tried and started hating myself instead. And that is not a good state to deal with everything the idea of getting married triggers (at least for me):
- It's a lifetime commitment and I don't have a good track record of stability in relationships
- His parents are my parents now. I'm scared because my parents were not comforting and it's another set of people possibly judging me
- His brother and sisters are my siblings too now. 2 are doctors and in general they all seem so normal and functional
- His extended family is mine too. They have large gatherings where they show so much love to each other. This feels weird for me because my family is not like that. I feel like a freak trying to fit in
- I miss my mom more. I wish she was here to meet my fiance and his family and help me plan the wedding
- No sense of identity to begin with and now I'm changing it to being married
So all these thoughts and the planning itself and hating being a princess and being confused about who I am combined and dragged me down into self-destruct mode. Finally, I understand better what happened to me to end up locked up again this year.
- It's a lifetime commitment and I don't have a good track record of stability in relationships
- His parents are my parents now. I'm scared because my parents were not comforting and it's another set of people possibly judging me
- His brother and sisters are my siblings too now. 2 are doctors and in general they all seem so normal and functional
- His extended family is mine too. They have large gatherings where they show so much love to each other. This feels weird for me because my family is not like that. I feel like a freak trying to fit in
- I miss my mom more. I wish she was here to meet my fiance and his family and help me plan the wedding
- No sense of identity to begin with and now I'm changing it to being married
So all these thoughts and the planning itself and hating being a princess and being confused about who I am combined and dragged me down into self-destruct mode. Finally, I understand better what happened to me to end up locked up again this year.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
I'm a happy creep
Happy? Not distressed? Not anxious? Not hating myself? Actually kind of proud of myself? Happy to talk with people? A stillness or peace in my soul? WHO AM I?
I better not over-analyze it because I might ruin it that way but I've been feeling pretty good on and offish for about 2 weeks now. Certainly there are some issues these days, mostly going to bed a bit too late and spending a lot of time looking at silly/fun/interesting stuff on the internet. I might be tiring out my friends on facebook... And playing Mario Galaxy 2. I've also been playing card games on the computer, I love Spider Solitaire with 2 suits. Anyway, I know that it is a kind of precarious situation I'm in. I have TONS of free time. Which can increase laziness and I was afraid it would and maybe it has but not very badly I think. Because what I'm so happy about is mainly how it went last week when I led Bible study in Mark and starting the 12 steps again with a new sponsor in MA. I'm finally working on my spiritual life and it feels awesome. I had a great bonding time with my brother but this left me with little time to prepare to lead the discussion in Bible study later that day. I was so anxious. But once it got started it went so well. Everyone had interesting things to say and there was a good mix of joking around too. I felt it was the perfect combo of learning about God through Jesus' teachings and actions, getting to know each other and having a good time. I was useful! God used me for His glory and that's the best feeling in the world, doing what I was created to do.
Another big reason I'm happy with myself: I sometimes like to read the comments on this blog and I noticed that a few years ago I was so scared and paranoid of people that I couldn't even email someone half way across the world who was wishing me well. And that's when it hit me. I'm not paranoid of people any more and I didn't even notice it happening. This problem used to bother me a lot because as Christians we are called to be shepherds to those around us and to be a successful shepherd you have to at least like or love the sheep (meaning those around us). But I spent most of my life either being scared of people, hating everyone and everything including myself, or only seeing the dark side of human nature. In other words, I hated sheep. I wasn't looking at them properly. Now I think I am starting to get a more truthful perspective on humanity partly thanks to 12 step meetings and church/small group because they put me in situations where I talk to strangers and get to know them over time. It used to terrify me to talk to a stranger but it has usually been a blessing when I did.
Oh boy, what happened to not analyzing this too much... I admit I'm a bit worried it will abruptly end and I will crash but whatever, I'm enjoying the moment. And fall. This is my favourite season.
Oh yeah, I say I'm a happy creep because I looked through some old pictures and found 2 of my favourite nurse at the psych ward. He wasn't really allowed to but he let me take the photos so I could draw him later (I drew portraits of people in the hospital to pass the time). He told me to delete them when I was done but I didn't. And never will! MUHAHAHA. Yeah I like looking at him sometimes. He's somehow so charming and cool and chill and caring... I have good memories of chatting with him, although he did get mad at me sometimes like when I tried to hide a knife from supper to use on myself later but I dropped it and he was like "BUSTED".
Well, on that slightly less uplifting note, I will go to bed now since it's 1:33 AM and try to not stay up until several hours later like I have been lately.
I better not over-analyze it because I might ruin it that way but I've been feeling pretty good on and offish for about 2 weeks now. Certainly there are some issues these days, mostly going to bed a bit too late and spending a lot of time looking at silly/fun/interesting stuff on the internet. I might be tiring out my friends on facebook... And playing Mario Galaxy 2. I've also been playing card games on the computer, I love Spider Solitaire with 2 suits. Anyway, I know that it is a kind of precarious situation I'm in. I have TONS of free time. Which can increase laziness and I was afraid it would and maybe it has but not very badly I think. Because what I'm so happy about is mainly how it went last week when I led Bible study in Mark and starting the 12 steps again with a new sponsor in MA. I'm finally working on my spiritual life and it feels awesome. I had a great bonding time with my brother but this left me with little time to prepare to lead the discussion in Bible study later that day. I was so anxious. But once it got started it went so well. Everyone had interesting things to say and there was a good mix of joking around too. I felt it was the perfect combo of learning about God through Jesus' teachings and actions, getting to know each other and having a good time. I was useful! God used me for His glory and that's the best feeling in the world, doing what I was created to do.
Another big reason I'm happy with myself: I sometimes like to read the comments on this blog and I noticed that a few years ago I was so scared and paranoid of people that I couldn't even email someone half way across the world who was wishing me well. And that's when it hit me. I'm not paranoid of people any more and I didn't even notice it happening. This problem used to bother me a lot because as Christians we are called to be shepherds to those around us and to be a successful shepherd you have to at least like or love the sheep (meaning those around us). But I spent most of my life either being scared of people, hating everyone and everything including myself, or only seeing the dark side of human nature. In other words, I hated sheep. I wasn't looking at them properly. Now I think I am starting to get a more truthful perspective on humanity partly thanks to 12 step meetings and church/small group because they put me in situations where I talk to strangers and get to know them over time. It used to terrify me to talk to a stranger but it has usually been a blessing when I did.
Oh boy, what happened to not analyzing this too much... I admit I'm a bit worried it will abruptly end and I will crash but whatever, I'm enjoying the moment. And fall. This is my favourite season.
Oh yeah, I say I'm a happy creep because I looked through some old pictures and found 2 of my favourite nurse at the psych ward. He wasn't really allowed to but he let me take the photos so I could draw him later (I drew portraits of people in the hospital to pass the time). He told me to delete them when I was done but I didn't. And never will! MUHAHAHA. Yeah I like looking at him sometimes. He's somehow so charming and cool and chill and caring... I have good memories of chatting with him, although he did get mad at me sometimes like when I tried to hide a knife from supper to use on myself later but I dropped it and he was like "BUSTED".
Well, on that slightly less uplifting note, I will go to bed now since it's 1:33 AM and try to not stay up until several hours later like I have been lately.
Sunday, October 4, 2015
OK I'm putting my foot down, on my new addiction to the internet
I made the difficult decision a month ago to take a semester off from school to seriously work on my spiritual life so that I may use God's strength and not my pitiful usual amount of strength when it comes to dealing with life. I've HAD IT. I've been hospitalized for my mental illnesses about 14 times now in 6 years. It's RIDICULOUS. I saw a new psychiatrist at the Douglas and he said I'm a severe case of BPD. And that really means something coming from a doctor working at a mental hospital. I almost feel like I won a medal or something. I'm severely sick! Finally people believe me and that my suffering is real! And also discouraged. He made it sound like my small local hospital is not equipped to deal with me and that I have not really gotten better in 6 years of treatment. I got used to my doctors telling me that I have progressed a lot and that I'm really not that bad any more. But they reminded me that I have accomplished some things.
Things to be proud of:
I moved out of my dad's house 2 years ago.
I stopped taking drugs and drinking
I am a straight A student in university
I know how to pay bills now and have stopped over-shopping for shoes and clothing
I go to MA meetings twice a week
I go to Bible study once a week and actually led the discussion this week and it was awesome.
But always the addicted one I have instead spent far too much time on facebook everyday. I'm really living like a bum. Haven't cleaned the apartment in forever, haven't showered in over a week, asking for money from dad because we've been putting off applying for welfare because we're so lazy, I have become a Minesweeper and Hearts expert...
So I am putting my foot down. By writing this post I am telling myself to get my act together. First 2 goals: return to normal sleep schedule by going to bed latest 2 am and finish forms for welfare.
Also, I got a new sponsor for AA/MA. Must do the homework she gave me by tomorrow.
Things to be proud of:
I moved out of my dad's house 2 years ago.
I stopped taking drugs and drinking
I am a straight A student in university
I know how to pay bills now and have stopped over-shopping for shoes and clothing
I go to MA meetings twice a week
I go to Bible study once a week and actually led the discussion this week and it was awesome.
But always the addicted one I have instead spent far too much time on facebook everyday. I'm really living like a bum. Haven't cleaned the apartment in forever, haven't showered in over a week, asking for money from dad because we've been putting off applying for welfare because we're so lazy, I have become a Minesweeper and Hearts expert...
So I am putting my foot down. By writing this post I am telling myself to get my act together. First 2 goals: return to normal sleep schedule by going to bed latest 2 am and finish forms for welfare.
Also, I got a new sponsor for AA/MA. Must do the homework she gave me by tomorrow.
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