Starting the 12 steps of recovery finally

I've wanted to do this for a long time but you need a sponsor to go through the steps (first outlined in the Alcoholics Anonymous book in the 30's) which are the basis for every 12 step program like AA, NA, MA, CA, OA etc... But I'm not sure if I wrote it here before, I think I did, that I had a very bad experience with a sponsor before. When I first tried to get clean I met an outspoken lady who insisted she be my temporary sponsor and to trust her and call her if I was ever having a bad time. So I decided I would take a risk and called her when I was feeling really self-destructive. I told her I'm really feeling shitty and I just cut myself. She freaked out and was like, you're just replacing one addiction for another one etc... and she was pretty much yelling at me and putting me down for what I did. So I never called her again or went to the meeting I met her at. All she did was make me feel worse, although some of what she said was truthful, her approach was very aggressive and I don't tolerate that well at all. Some people say tough love is what's needed for people like me, the truth is quite the opposite. If anyone is 'tough' on me, I will either explode and/or never see them again. So after that, I've been wary of trusting people enough to be a sponsor for me. This fear has lasted years. Until after months of being regularly at MA I noticed a very friendly woman who has the qualifications to be a sponsor.

We've recently started step 1 which involves admitting you're powerless over marijuana and your life has become unmanageable. We use the workbook which goes into alot of detail. The first session was just answering one question: what early life experiences led you to using? That was a hard question because I opened up to her and told her details of my childhood that were very painful, mostly concerning my mom. I felt a bit emotionally triggered by that but I was happy that I could share that with her. And she was very kind and understanding. Now we've gone through more questions related to the first step. Basically, what was my using like? How did it affect my life? Am I ready to say I don't want all that anymore? I'm already clean for almost a year and a half and still going strong (most days) so hells yeah. No matter what, I don't want to ever go back to how it was. It was just too horrible and incredibly difficult to get out of. Yes we shared funny/crazy/sad/dramatic stories from our using days but that's not worth it to go back. To be honest I kinda miss my mushrooms, it always resulted in interesting experiences but I know I would get addicted to them if I tried again. And that would blow my brain to pieces.

happy bday dear friend

Today's my friend's bday. He passed away 3 years ago from addiction and mental health problems. I've talked about him here before. He was the best using buddy possible. He wouldn't give me the number to his heroin dealer and he protected me from violent fellow users. He was so kind and generous. Today I went to his grave with his parents and reminisced about him. It was sad but nice too. I miss him greatly at this time of year. It's just so tragic that he passed away from the same problems that almost killed me, but here I am, getting better and he didn't. But I had that dream about him recently that he came back to tell us what it's like on the other side and he looked so well and happy. Better than I have ever seen him while alive. I know he's in heaven now, spending forever in God's loving presence. Happy bday dear friend!

no more Frank! :(

Ugh Frank the cat disappeared! I was always afraid of this day. She was the friendliest neighbourhood cat. She was like a dog. Such a people cat. She would come visit almost everyday and loved having the top of her butt patted. I miss her already. She would always brighten my day with her cute presence. When I was still an active drug addict she would smell me smoking up on the porch and come by and come in and relax with me. When I smoked so much weed I couldn't move, she would sit by me patiently. I'll always be grateful for that. She was there when I needed her most. I hope she's been taken by the neighbour who moved away and not dead somewhere. I love you Frank!

Proud and thankful, not ashamed

I've said it before here but struggled with it. Why should one be judged and looked down on for having mental illness? As if it reflects on our character? And yet, I've been very afraid of judgement and hated it if anyone in my family said anything hinting at my struggles to anyone else. And I didn't tell any acquaintances of my struggles, only close friends and family. Well, today I just told a bunch of complete strangers I have never met or will meet with my full name and everything. I got a scholarship (!) and you have to write a thank you letter to the donors. I decided to really show my gratitude, I would write this:

Thank you so much for your donations! I’ve never been chosen as a recipient for something like this before and it means a lot to me. To show how much I appreciate being recognized for my hard work, I am letting you know something very personal. I have a difficult past, which made school very hard for me, and for a period of time I couldn’t do any school because I had become mentally ill and a drug addict. It was hell on earth and I had no future except in institutions. I had given up on all hope but some small part of me started to try to get better and with the help of my Higher Power I got clean, got the right meds and went back to school. It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do and, I think, will ever have to do. I suffered so much but through that suffering I found purpose for my life. While living with others who were even more mentally ill than I in hospitals, I decided I wanted to be a psychologist to help and love these people. That’s why I’m in the specialization in psychology now and although it will take quite a few years, I intend to go all the way to a PhD in psychology to work in hospitals for those who really need it.

            I am now thankful for what I went through. It made me who I am and has given me considerable experience that I will need as a clinical psychologist. Receiving this scholarship is proof to me that I have come a long way and that I’m on the right path to helping others. Thank you for helping me along that path with your contributions!

Eeek! I'm kinda scared what they will think but you know what? I am proud and thankful for my past, not ashamed anymore. I will walk my talk and be more open about what has happened to me. There's no justifiable shame in having mental illness!