Drop into hell

Today is just another day, or so it should be in my head but instead it is doomsday for my psyche. The official day my mom died. I'm so torn between intensely missing her because my identity depended on her to an unhealthy degree and being terrified of her because I can still hear her criticizing, imperious voice/ghost and being incredibly angry at what she did to me over the years. So all of these crazy intensely negative emotions fuel my addictions more so now I'm tripping out to music while high on weed and shrooms. Later I'll have some lines and a drink or two and certainly more weed. Yes I know they will all make me worse but it's so I avoid acting on the voice in my head, the part of me brainwashed by my mom's words when I was little that just wants to destroy me. I had a fantasy that became a serious plan, to take all the prescription pills I have and some Tylenol, have a few drinks and show up to my psychologist appointment and tell him what I did at the end of the session. So fucking stupid but part of me is trying to force the rest of me to do it and it's winning out except for the fact that my brother called my old pastor and a church friend so they are both coming for dinner tonight which is really nice of them so I'm trying harder to be in one piece by the end of the day so they don't come all the way out to my house for nothing. After that though, I don't know how I will keep fighting my stupid self. Meanwhile, all the drugs are making my reality so dark and painful because they make me super-sensitive to everything, every single experience is overwhelming. Even the affection from my bf is overwhelming now, I have to tell him to dial it down which is really something because I'm normally the passionate one. Simple tasks and errands/chores are also overwhelmingly stressful now. Also too paranoid about people I don't know or don't know very well so that adds more stress. Just walking in public is a huge deal because I just want to hide from everyone. Asking for help is hard too because if they do, it feels like my situation is worse than I want to believe so it's good my brother did that for me for today at least. Oh great, the poster of the solar system is coming to life like animated 3D right in front of my eyes and I have to go see my psychologist in an hour.