And up again (with Alestorm and Suid'Akra!)

It was everything I hoped it would be and more!!
First of all, even before the music started I was so happy. This is because a lot of the crowd dressed up like crazy! People had pirate hats and coats, some had full costumes as Jack Sparrow, some even brought foam swords, one person had an awesome metal knight's helmet and someone even brought a blow-up parrot! It was already an entertaining show!

I think what I enjoyed most was how we all went nuts when Alestorm played their set. There was a constant mosh pit going (I could see foam swords flailing in the air in the middle which was a hilarious sight), a lot of us were headbanging (I have a stiff neck now but it was worth it), there was lots of crowd-surfing, we knew all the words and sang along to all the songs while punching the air at the right beats. Basically everyone was having a ton of fun and the atmosphere can't get better than that.
I was also hoping that the band members would be all dressed up as pirates but instead they were shirtless, which was also nice but anyways the crowd made up for their lack of wardrobe.

Musically the sound was decent and not too loud which is always nice but I heard a few mistakes and the guitar solos weren't very good but I was having such an awesome time that I didn't really care.
At the end the singer dived into the crowd and they carried him all the way to the back of the venue which was my cue to leave on a high note instead of giving the headlining band, Tyr, a chance. (Their music is too slow for my taste)

Plus, I learned a new term: wall of death. And since people were so excited and followed everything the singer said, I got to see a huge wall of death and not just a bigger mosh pit.
A wall of death is where everyone in the audience splits and stands on the sides so there's a huge space in the middle of the floor. Then when the singer cues everyone they go running at full speed towards the other side and smash into the people coming the other way, resulting in a massive mosh pit afterwards. Wow was that a sight to see especially since so many in the audience participated! It was crazy to see two walls of people smash into each other at full speed!
It would probably be even crazier at an outdoor festival.


I wish Alestorm looked like this on stage and not just in studio photo shoots!

Suid'Akra was even better than I thought they would be and I was already looking forward to seeing them! Musically I think they performed the best. The band was tight, the solos were interesting and the clean singing harmonies were bang-on. They played some new stuff from Crogacht (which I bought there) and it sounds like they've improved their songwriting which is awesome. I was hoping they would have some body and face paint on like in one of their videos but again most of them were shirtless and again I didn't mind, especially since the singer had a nicely chiseled torso.

To add the cherry on top to the enjoyable night, there were a bunch of guys in the metro still excited after the concert and one of them yelled, "On casse tout! (Let's destroy everything!)" and they started violently flailing their arms and legs but they were in a metro station surrounded by nothing but brick and concrete so they broke nothing! It was such a hilarious sight I burst out laughing and I still do everytime I think about it!

Up and Down

Ok the first thing I must say is, Alestorm and Suid'Akra tonight!!!!! Eeeee! I have to make sure I'm drinking a beer when they play Nancy's Harbour Cafe and Wenches & Meat.

Last week started pretty well. For the first time in forever I went to all my classes and did plenty of work for all of them. My pastor, counsellor and doctor all said I seemed better and I figured it was because I finally understood what the main root of my problems is. Something like how God's Word says the truth will set you free. I became cautiously optomistic and figured that my worst episodes of extreme desperation were over and it must be all uphill from here.

Oh why do we have the tendency to think things in general always progress in a linear fashion?
I still have no idea why but on Thursday I had a terrible episode that spread to parts of the weekend. And I still don't know the best way to deal with it. It seems I have to do something destructive and then it feels better which I think is different from before. Other than calling certain people should/if it happens again, I think my best bet is to make a mini fire pit (like a bowl or something) and just burn stuff and watch the flames. Of course, my counsellor doesn't quite approve of this but aside from a little pollution I think it's harmless. It's sort of an old tendency from when I was a teen that has come back again but it's oddly soothing to just watch a fire and I think it's a good temporary solution compared to other options.
But this new destructive desire certainly worries me (especially if it grows) and I'm glad I'm going to get referred to a psychiatrist. I hate fearing I may be losing my mind.

Finally some Christian metal I really like

One thing that has made me really happy these days is that I finally really like some Christian metal! It took me a while to weed through all that metalcore/screamo junk mostly coming from the US and I had to listen to some albums over again for them to grow on me.
But the ultimate best band that I love now is Antestor. They are unblack/white metal and they kick the asses (musically-speaking) of other popular black metal groups like Dimmu Borgir who I thought were the best of the genre before. They've got the ear-splitting combo of fast riffs, growling and blast beats that I love and they've also got beautiful, lamenting keyboard and acoustic guitar parts with the occasional female soprano voice which makes the whole musical package awesome. The lyrics are unusual for Christian bands generally in that they deal with very dark, depressing subject matter but they maintain a Christian perspective through it all.
Plus, they make me laugh with their over-the-top visual theatrics (they're as bad/funny as their secular counterparts) which is an entertaining bonus.


I guess they're pretending to be ancient priests??
Haha I just realized the one on the left looks just like a traditional Korean ghost!


This is how they look at every concert they play. I wish I could see them live!



I just really like this picture

The next Christian metal band I like is Becoming the Archetype. At first I wasn't sure about them because their sound has a tinge of metalcore occasionally but overall, they are definitely death metal which I like. The singer sounds like the guy from lamb of god which is good (and bad since this made me think at first that they were an inferior copycat version) and the guitar parts are simple, yet creative, catchy and heavy. They also have small parts that are slower and acoustic which is a nice brief break from the usual constant sonic barrage.

I've also given Extol a second chance. At first I thought they were an inferior version of Opeth but that's not quite true after listening to Undeceived a few more times. They've got a good heaviness going with progressive beats but I just got thrown off a bit by the occasional violin they had playing in some songs. I think generally orchestras or whole sections of orchestral instruments are better than individual ones for metal (unless it's folk metal).

A frustrating eureka!

This eureka moment I had this past week is really a blessing and a curse.
But it represents a huge step in my journey! Put very simply, I have discovered after talking with my pastor recently that the root of most of my problems is that I have very low self-esteem. Wow that's simple and kind of anti-climactic! But so crucial. This is the main reason for my despair, depression, inability to truly accept God's love and bouts of extreme desperation that drives me to do very stupid and bad things. I couldn't understand why I have moments where I feel so desperate to get away from something but this is what I have been trying to get away from. And it's gotten so bad I need medication to avoid it too. This is very good to know.

But it also is soooo frustrating for me because I thought I dealt with this already when I went through a similar time in my teens. God eventually corrected my destructive ways and as I got older and accepted more responsibilities I gained more confidence in my abilities and felt better about myself and my world. Looking back now, I realize I mistook confidence in my abilities for a strong sense of self-worth and they are not the same at all. My thorn had not really been removed but I thought it was and I carried on for years as if it wasn't there.
When I realized all this, I'm so glad I was with my pastor because the frustration of feeling trapped in the same problem over and over again all my life triggered one of those bouts of extreme desperation and that's why the eureka is also a curse. I am at least better enough to write and talk about it now without getting really upset but it's still there and now I have to deal with it better somehow.

I just realized right now that Bjork's Hyperballad expresses exactly how I am feeling and what I have been doing to myself emotionally. Alas, it also makes me upset. I better not listen to it too often although it's such a beautiful song.
Antestor's Betrayed is another song I can really relate to but elaborating on that may be too much info or just not necessary anyway.

Worst Spring Break Ever/Painful Counselling

So, I figure I'll start with the negative stuff first.
It's been about two weeks since my spring break and I had a feeling I wouldn't have a very good time. Mainly because I wouldn't have a semi-regular school schedule to distract me from my depressive state. And I was right. Since it's been a while I can't remember the exact details but I basically did a whole lot of nothing. I still had to come in for monitoring at the print studio which was good, I think I did a little bit of homework. And I got to meet up with two of my friends from cegep that I used to hang out with all the time but haven't seen in months. I was really looking forward to hang out with them again but to my extreme disappointment I didn't really enjoy myself. Although I was happy to see them, it just didn't feel the same as before. I couldn't really connect to them, it felt like they were in a separate world and I was just looking through a window or something like that. I feel so trapped and separated from all my friends.

Then, due to my stupid negligence and bad mood, I got a killer flu/fever combination that literally forced me do more nothing for four days. I hadn't got such a bad cold in a long while! All I could really do was watch movies and sleep alot which I don't enjoy in large quantities. Just when I started feeling better it was back to school!

I also started counselling a week before spring break and it's been pretty hard. My counsellor basically started with asking me questions about the precise things I didn't want to think or talk about! This forced me to relive my worst memories plus she expressed concern over my love of metal music which is the only thing that makes me excited these days.
I guess it was/is so painful because I am forced to realize just how bad a state I'm in when I'd rather not think about it.
But last session wasn't so bad. My pastor came which was nice and most of the time was spent uncovering counterfeit truths and activities I used to believe in that actually worked against God and it was very interesting. I didn't realize how many lies I had to get through to where I am in my faith today. I used to be really into New Age concepts, I used to see a psychic regularly and meditate with her. I also thought for a while that Jesus wasn't the only way to salvation but one of many ways and I had a friend who was into Wicca and she definitely influenced me. More recently I also figure listening to satanic black metal is just not a very good idea! Whether they do it for attention or are sincere, the lyrics are so overtly anti-Christian and eventually is rather insulting to me. Anyways, it's not a genre I listen to that much plus Antestor is Christian and has the same sound but better so it's alot easier to give up black metal now.
So, I renounced all these things and officially confessed and brought them to Jesus. I already rejected all these things but it's good to make it very clear where I stand with God and really confess. Yay some progress!

Overdue

OK, I know I haven't written here in a while, it's very very bad of me! It's so hard to have regular habits...
But I have much to write about and not enough time right now. So, instead is a list of things I will write about soon I promise!
- More discoveries in Christian metal
- Worst spring break ever
- Painful counselling sessions
- A frustrating eureka

By the way, Antestor is now my ultimate favorite metal band ever!