recovering

I am so thankful first to God and then to myself. I'm so thankful that I can now wake up every morning and feel ok, that the day will be ok and that God will give me the energy to get through it. People take this for granted and go on autopilot. But after so many years of feeling like shit every morning, feeling as if every day might be my last because I can't take life anymore, I am so thankful that things are far more normal and even enjoyable now. I'm almost done my first semester in school since my crazy crisis, and I've been getting good marks and finding my classes very interesting. There were certainly some bumps in the road but I think the desert part of my journey is ending and I'm so thankful for that. I'm even thankful for the desert times, because they have made me what I am today. I know myself so much better now, and have become so much wiser about human nature and as a result I am closer to God than I ever have been before. It's the start of what I always wanted. To be fully dependent on God and His unconditional love for me which is the foundation of being an agent of miracles in a down-trodden world. And boy do I know what it's like to be down-trodden. Everyday is a miracle when I don't use drugs and I don't hurt myself, which is every day recently. With the right meds, techniques learned from therapy and God's providence, I am ok. Which is amazing considering how I was just a few months ago. Getting clean was the hardest thing I ever had to do but wow what a difference it makes. My BPD is much less severe and I am mostly functional again. I am now doing my best to take care of myself everyday and with God keeping me safe too, I can do what I have to do: go to class, do homework, keep up hygiene etc... and I'll never take that for granted. Any time I get a craving all I have to do is remember ending up in the hospital all the time, getting strapped down like in the movies, being on suicide watch, getting occasionally mistreated by professionals and suffering through the days. I never want to go back there again. The only bad thing I do now is smoke the occasional cigarette and I'll eventually cut that out too when I'm ready. I'm a walking miracle and I hope to help others eventually get on the right path too. I'm not sure I can write about what happened the most recent time I spent in the psychiatric ward and rehab yet but this is where I'm at today and I couldn't be more thankful.

Legalizing pot

Here's another letter I sent to my local newpaper since I know they probably won't publish it. It's important info for anyone weighing the pros and cons of pot.

Colorado and Washington state voted to legalize pot. Clearly it helps for some conditions causing nausea and reduced appetite and more but there is a dark side as well. It has been proven to cause anxiety, depression and psychosis in those predisposed. Also, there are no long-term effects on memory or learning in adult users but there definitely are negative effects on all these things for those who smoke heavily in their teens. I would also like to point out that marijuana today is very different from what it used to be for baby-boomers; growers have increased the psychoactive effects of marijuana to the point that it is much more potent than it used to be. It is not simply a harmless herb anymore. On principle I think if alcohol is legal, then marijuana should be too. It is still less dangerous than alcohol overall. But as a marijuana addict who had to go through hospitals and rehab to stop smoking up constantly and ruining my life, I'm worried about the negative consequences. Marijuana will become as ubiquitous as alcohol and that will definitely help create more addicts. Even now in Montreal where pot is already quite ubiquitous, I meet more and more people who have a problem with pot and it is interfering with their lives. Even my psychiatrist says she is seeing the same thing in her patients more and more. If any place makes it legal, they should ban it from anyone under 18 and increase spending on addiction treatment services with the tax money. Just the existence of Marijuana Anonymous groups proves that pot can take over your life just as badly as any other drug if you're predisposed to addiction. 

cats

This is exactly how I feel when the neighborhood super friendly happy cat Frank comes over to visit

Omen goodies

Ahh, stuff to drool over and wonder if they have women's sizes...

And more awesome stuff!

All from metalhelm.com

Got to get my butt over there.

RIP Stuart Langridge

I had to write to my local newspaper about this story because it's come up so many times in the news over the year and it's bothered me every time. Basically Langridge was a Canadian soldier, served in battle amd eventually developed mental health problems. Mainly PTSD, depression and addiction to drugs and alcohol. The military put him in a psychiatric hospital for just 30 days and then expected him to go back to work right away. Instead he killed himself. Now his parents are angry and calling inquiries into how the military handled his illnesses, saying they didn't do enough for him. That's definitely true. But the military insists all his problems come from using drugs and alcohol so it's not their responsibility. What?? That makes no sense, he deserved more treatment and therapy, no matter what caused it. They are insinuating that addiction isn't a 'real' mental illness like PTSD is. So here's what I wrote:
Re: "Soldier's suicide case extended" (Nov.3)
This case highlights the continuing stigma against mental illnesses, especially addiction. Why do the soldier's parents have to argue that he suffered from PTSD and the military insists that his problems come from alcohol and drug use? In reality, mental illnesses are inseparably intertwined with addiction when both are present in an individual. You can't say one or the other is more prevalent or important.  Often mental illness will leave one predisposed to addiction and then the ensuing drug and alcohol use make both illnesses worse. So why is it insinuated that PTSD deserves proper professional treatment, thus the military is to be blamed because they didn't provide enough of this but if it was just drug and alcohol use, it's not the military's problem? Addiction is also a mental illness which also deserves it's own professional treatment. It isn't simply a character defect or a lack of willpower, it is a bona fide disease of the brain. Just as eating highly saturated foods for years will eventually give you heart disease, years of chemically altering your brain and neural pathways will result in mental illness, specifically addiction and possibly more. So why don't we give the same respect we have for heart disease sufferers to those suffering from addiction? Both deserve a chance to live through treatment.
Shame on the military for not giving Langridge the proper time he needed to recover from serious mental illnesses and forcing him back to work after only 30 days in a psychiatric hospital. Sometimes it takes years of therapy to be functional again. My heart goes out to his family.

Omen pre-order now!

Antestor's Omen is out for pre-order now at www.nordicmission.net! Eeee! I hope it's easy to order and all. Wish it would be on amazon or something but I dunno about that.