my philosophical two cents

I may have come up with a sort of quote:
The meaning of life is in relationships.
You can't have meaning if you can't relate or compare anything to anything else. And this is because God is love, meaning He's all about relationships amongst ourselves, with our environment, between individuals and Him etc. And this is why most of us would eventually go nuts if we were completely isolated from everybody else too long. And this is why community is so important and why you can know alot about someone by observing their friends.
I guess having BPD means I'm not too good at these things sometimes because I relate and percieve in extremes. I can be so friendly and helpful but I can also be so selfish and judgmental. I can react too strongly to what someone might say to me. But anyhow, God can heal the most wretched in the world so I have hope in Him. Which reminds me; while I was having an awfully rough night the last time I was hospitalized, a melody cut through all the pain and dizziness. Out of nowhere I was hearing the melody of the song I Love You, Lord and it gave me something to hold on to. I kept humming it over and over in my head and the Lord gave me more resilience through it. I would have suffered alot more if it wasn't for that song popping into my head. Music can truly be powerful.
Here are the words:

I love You Lord
and I lift my voice
to worship You
O my soul, rejoice!
Take joy my King, in what You hear
may it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.

calmer days

The past month or so has been a tad more peaceful and I'm so thankful for that. I can see that I've gotten past the need for hospitalizations for at least the near future, praise God. My grandparents went back home and my brother is in Korea for the whole summer so its been pretty quiet. I try to keep myself a little busy with simple little errands here and there. I also have to take care of all the gardens and lawn-mowing so that's been a learning experience. It's a real quiet, suburban life I'm living, sort of, except when my bad decision-making partly due to my BPD and depression get in the way. Of course, this frustrates my dad and we've had another bad fight but I only moderately felt like running away and didn't act on it which is a good sign. I've reverted to smoking everyday but I stopped the cigarettes and I still don't do it as much as I used to. I unfortunately do like to have the occasional harder drug. And one extremely hot, humid day my friends and I went to a bar that had no air-conditioning. I hadn't seen them in a long time so I was in a partying mood and probably had one too many beers and by the time we left I was puking and became completely paralyzed. I ended up in a hospital overnight. I was so shocked. What I realize now is that it was partly because anti-psychotic drugs can make you more sensitive to heat and they were popping them into my mouth like candy at the psych ward. No wonder the hot days this summer seemed alot more unbearable than the years before. But also, I do stupid things sometimes. Like still having a crush on my ex who's legally criminally insane, schizophrenic, loves drugs and stealing from stores, has violent urges (thankfully he gets an injection once a month that helps with that) and pollutes and spits all the time. What the hell is wrong with me?! I can't seem to uncrush and I don't understand it at all. It's soooo frustrating! The only good things about him is that he's cute, goofily funny and likes to read. That's it. Anyway, all I can do is avoid him now that I finally got some stuff back that I lent him and another guy at the ward. His craziness never ceases to amaze me. Example:

Me: Why are you staring at those two guys walking by? (One had a shaved head)
Crazy One: I'm admiring the shape of their skulls.
Me: Huh? Why? What do you mean?
CO: I wish there was a way I could remove their brains and arteries and all the other stuff in their heads, take the skulls out and reconnect everything else back together and still be alive. And then clean, polish and keep the skulls for myself.
Me: That's what you were really thinking about just now?
CO: Yup.
Me: You're so crazy.
CO: Hmm, I've been getting that alot lately.

Anyhow, all this to say I'm not exactly living the perfect suburban life (not that I want to) but definitely most days are relatively peaceful. Just looking forward to going back to school and seeing friends. And playing with Frank, the best cat in the world.

Still working on the Old Times Cruelty tab but I've been slowed down by the heat and broken air-conditioning. I'm almost done the pretty introduction but it's taking me longer because it's two different parts so I've got two tracks going.


Isn't it so cool how her stripes turn into spots?

And this is why she's the awesomest cat ever. She'll enjoy a bellyrub even from a complete stranger like this person she only just met. So cute!!