nostalgic

Perhaps because of the similarities I seem to posess with my troubled 13 year old past self, I've started listening to one of my favorite bands of all time from my teens, silverchair. I've rediscovered their album Freak. It's so darn good right now. Especially Petrol & Chlorine and Roses. And Johns is such a good lyricist and songwriter, along with incredibly good-looking...


Daniel Johns of course in the middle, looking so good
“{On Daniel Johns} Two scoops of yum with a meow on top!”- Perez Hilton
Agreed!

about relationships...

Been working through the freedom from depression workbook and it says I have a dependent personality. Meaning my moods are too dependent on the actions of those around me. Which is odd because I've always seen myself as a sort of loner, always keeping my distance from groups of people and therefore dealing with myself independently. I've never felt I had real best friends, not that I've been hurt, just never really got that close to people who had the time to spend. But now that I think about it, I've always had someone to depend on until recently. In elementary school I had my group of popular friends until I purposely distanced myself from them, then in my teen years my mom became my best friend: we talked about everything together and she knew everything about me, even if I tried to hide anything. Then when she went off to Korea to get treatment, my guitar teacher took care of me, even to a creepy extent. And I took it for granted that he watched out for me so much and wanting me to use my musical abilities to a fuller extent, while I just saw a creepy old man telling me he loved me. I still don't know who he was exactly to me. Anyways, after my mom passed away, it was a succession of boyfriends for 5 years until last November, when I decided being so dependent on boyfriends was unhealthy so I permanently broke off contact with one of them and then fell into all this depression crap. I miss them all so much. I guess I have a dependent personality afterall. With friends who don't have the time (I don't blame them) and a dad who also doesn't have the time or energy or wherewithal (I blame him abit), I'm alone and failing. I wish I was strong and independent as I thought I was. Now I just regret everything and I'm starting to sound whiny again so I'll stop here.

2nd Christian tattoo

I got a second tattoo! Just above the first one, with the same artist since he's so awesome at shading. There's a gear, which represents me and I'm being tested and purified by fire from God which represents this hard time of my life I'm going through. When it's all done, I'll finally be ready to fit into God's plan like a cog in perfect clockwork.

It's my favorite shades of blue!

the back of it

finally a psychiatrist appt

About a week ago I finally saw a psychiatrist as part of some sort of youth program near my house. She was pretty nice. Perhaps a tad too sympathetic, at one point I ended up making her cry... But anyways, I am officially diagnosed as clinically depressed with anxiety attacks which would be the episodes I sometimes mention. She has prescribed me zoloft and rivatril. Haven't started taking them yet, mostly because I don't really want to stop drinking. Lately, it's been that and the occasional smoke that's been keeping me sane. Ah well, I've got to keep trying so I'll start them, eventually. I'm just so confused these days. Sometimes I feel like I'm totally fine and I don't need any help. I go about my daily life doing what I want to do. Other times I'm worried I'm a lazy, melodramatic spoiled brat. Or that I'm just like those troubled teen girls you always hear about or are acquainted with who are moody, depressed, may have an eating disorder, have too many boyfriends, cut themselves and of whom all you can think is "Oh boy, they're just trouble. They'll probably never be stable for long and end up killing themselves or continually live on the edge of death" It's just too easy to judge...
Oh yeah, she also says I need a good psychologist to really get better, which I totally agree with. I pray I'll get a really good one soon.

Dragonforce show

Wow Dragonforce was impressive! My main reason for going was to see if they could actually play as crazy fast as they do on their recordings and the result of my research is a resounding yes! It made for an entertaining concert and I enjoyed the crowd singing along to the cheesy chorus melodies and the battling between the guitarists. I only heard a handful of wrong notes amongst thousands. Something hilarious I noted was how the keyboardist looks almost exactly like Pickles from Metalocalypse with the receding hairline and leftover 80's fashion sense! Plus, the super cheesy use of an electric fan to increase mostly the singer's dramatic hair in the 'wind' haha




Vadim of Dragonforce and Pickles of Dethklok. They have the same facial structure and red hair.
Maybe it's just me who finds it funny...