New diagnosis

My psychologist went to a conference on BPD and told me that 53% of people with BPD also suffer from PTSD and he thinks I do too when it comes to my mom and moms in general. This explains a lot and I think he's right. That's why I have such a hard time when it comes to dates that have to do with my mom and mother's day. If I see anything emotional that has to do with moms I feel like I'm getting hit with a hammer and it saps my energy. If I have dreams with my mom, whether pleasant or nightmarish, it gets really hard to do anything the next day. It also explains why I haven't moved on from her death 9 years ago, I'm still traumatized from everything she did and her actual death. Geez, that adds up to 4 mental illnesses I have: BPD, PTSD, addiction and depression. At least two of those are a lot better now. It's been 11 months no street drugs and I generally don't feel very depressed anymore.

I forgive her..?

I meant to write about this a while ago. On the last night of my stay at the psych ward (the most recent stay), I got an important prayer answered. While feeling really crappy before I ended up in there the last time, I prayed to God desperately, please let me meet my mom somehow so that we can talk about what happened between us, then maybe I'll feel better. That's because I've been kicking myself ever since I realized I could have had my chance to have this talk when she told me before she died that she was sorry for being a bad mother. But my response was that she was the best mother ever. And I meant it because she was like a best friend or sister to me and I thought that was what a mother should be instead of a mother. I repressed everything she did to me when I was younger and thought it was all normal for mothers to do to their children. Plus, she was on her death bed, who wants to admit the person dying was a bad person sometimes?
Anyways, on that night I dreamt that I got to see my mom and I asked her, "Why did you treat me so badly when I was young? Why did you rage at me randomly and be nice other times again randomly? Why did you hate being my mom?"
And she said, "I'm sorry but I was going through a really hard time myself." Then we both said at the same time, "my psychologist thinks you/I had BPD too" then I woke up.
I've been trying hard to forgive my mom and I think it has been happening slowly and that dream helped a bit to keep that process going. I think I forgive her now. I know she wasn't purposely trying to hurt and confuse me, she did her best and didn't know any better and felt bad about it later on. Actually, she often got upset and said she was a bad mother but I didn't understand at the time and it only confused me. Now if only I can feel peace about it all and move on already.

May 4th

Funny note: I told someone at the MA meeting I go to about May 4th being hard for me since it's when my mom died and she said, well then may the fourth be with you. Haha, I love Star Wars so that a was a perfect line for me to hear!
Anyways, I went to Mt.Tremblant with some of my closest friends 3-5 May partly to commemorate my mom and it went really well. I thank God that we all had a really good time, good food and amazing weather. I was feeling awesome, no bad moods, no bad urges but now that I'm back home it's not as great. Yesterday I had a dream where my mom was piggy-backing me and there were thousands of shooting stars around us. It was a really nice dream but when I woke up, I got so upset because I miss her. I think it might have been the first dream in a really long time where me and my mom had fun together, perhaps it was the first time ever. And it just made me miss her ALOT. I cried alot, and then Frank came by right on cue, it really is like she knows when I'm sad and later that day she took a nap on my belly on the couch and it was sooooo cute. Worth the allergies after. Today is a bit better so far. I'm supposed to go paint with a friend which should be good, haven't painted in forever.