gone for 28 days

I'm off to rehab. I don't know if I'll go crazier or get better, probably the latter.

Old Times Cruelty tab finished!

Wow I finished alot faster than I thought I would have. I guess I just love the song so much I neglected to realize alot of the guitar parts are somewhat repetitive and there's no time-consuming crazy fast solo to tab either. I would say this song is pretty easy to play as far as metal songs go. There's just alot of tremolo picking as usual. I split the song into two guitar tracks and threw in a few piano notes in one of them in case you want to play the part but can't play piano. As always, if the links don't work, just let me know and I can reupload.
Enjoy Antestor's awesome songwriting!

gp5 file:
http://uploading.com/files/3cadbc9d/Old%2BTimes%2BCruelty.gp5/

pdf files:
track 1:
http://uploading.com/files/1b2c92c7/Old_Times_Cruelty_track1%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

track 2:
http://uploading.com/files/db4m6a9b/Old_Times_Cruelty_track2%2528acmjddotblogspotdotcom%2529.pdf/

Next up is Via Dolorosa. I still intend to tab everything on The Forsaken album so I'm just going down the track list. And I honestly don't know how long it will take since my life seems to be in constant upheaval but it will get done eventually.

little creative goals

Things I want to keep in mind and do:
-finish tab for Old Times Cruelty by Antestor (I'm done!)
-try to get some of my emotions out in more drawings (maybe some self-portraits which I hate doing but perhaps should do) and original bits of recorded music on piano, guitar and voice.
-start learning how to use beatcraft already
-experiment with oil paint again in the spring

Maybe creative endeavours will keep me more sane than the stupid pills psychiatrists prescribe.

musicians who sound borderline

Technically anyone can sound borderline. It just comprises strong, extreme emotions driven by immature perceptions. But sometimes when I listen to songs and the lyrics, I can't help but to think to myself that wow, this person must be borderline too. For example, Alexi Laiho from Children of Bodom and Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails. I've already written about Alexi but I've recently rediscovered my copy of NIN's The Fragile. I forgot just how good it is. I always liked it but it's even better than I remembered it! Actually, this could be because I'm in a similar mindframe to what might have been Reznor's when he wrote the album. It's a great mix of metal anguish and electronic/dance/industrial catchiness. Anyways, I really relate to most of the lyrics of Somewhat Damaged. Could almost sing some of it to my mom if she was around. Here are the parts I could say in my own voice honestly.

So impressed with all you do
Tried so hard to be like you
Flew too high and burnt the wing
Lost my faith in everything
Made the choice to go away
Drink the fountain of decay
Tear a hole exquisite red
Fuck the rest and stab it dead

Broken bruised forgotten sore
Too fucked up to care anymore
Poisoned to my rotten core
Too fucked up to care anymore

How could i ever think it's funny how everything that
Swore it wouldn't change is different now just like you
Would always say we'll make it through then my head fell apart
And where were you?

Actually, another even closer song in terms of lyrics and how I'm doing is The Big Come Down:

There is a game i play
Try to make myself okay
Try so hard to make the pieces all fit
Smash it apart
Just for the fuck of it

Bye bye oooh
Got to get back to the bottom
Bye bye oooh
The big come down isn't that what you wanted?
Bye bye oooh
Find a place with the failed and forgotten
Bye bye oooh
Isn't that really what you wanted now?

There is no place i can go there is no way i can hide
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside

There is a hate that burns within
The most desperate place i have ever been
Try to get back to where i'm from
The closer i get the worse it becomes
The closer i get the worse it becomes

There is no place i can go there is no place i can hide
It feels like it keeps coming from the inside

And I can most certainly sing Underneath it All to myself about myself.
Underneath it All:

All I do
I can still feel you

Numb all through
I can still feel you
Hear your call
Underneath it all
Kill my brain
Yet you still remain
Crucified
After all I've died
After all I've tried
You are still inside

All I do
I can still feel you

You remain
I am stained

still around somehow

I take back what I said in my last October post. Still get crazy shitty panic attack-esque episodes. Just a lot harder to get them when stoned. And that's how I've been surviving. Praying everyday and smoking up starting at 5am sometimes. Which I have recently discovered is the best time ever to take walks. It's still dark enough to see stars and shooting stars sometimes show up and you can watch the sky change colours as the sun comes up. Also, I get to gawk at people's yards and houses and hardly anyone is awake to gawk back. I've definitely become more paranoid. I just don't want people judging me. I'm afraid people can recognize me as the blue-haired girl who goes ridiculously nuts in the ER. I'm afraid people can see my pain and how immature and disordered my mind is these days. I can see how foolish and self-destructive my actions can be, and yet I cannot stop them. I've been cursed with an intelligence that can see the consequences of my impulsivity but has no control over it. What the hell happened to me to end up like this?
Speaking of ERs, I am not voluntarily going to step foot in one ever again for any psychiatric/psychological reasons whatsoever. And I will say good-bye to my relatively useless psychiatrist who I see barely once a month if that. All those psychiatrists are too busy to really give you their proper attention. All they do is keep prescribing more and more pills as if that solves everything. Meanwhile those pills cost money and side effects render what little benefits I got from them worthless. Especially Seroquel. That crap should only be taken if you have serious psychotic episodes. It is NOT a good anti-depressant, zombifies you and causes crazy weight gain and diabetes. I couldn't fit into some of my more snug dresses (incl. a Betsy Johnson dress!) anymore because of it. Thankfully that's not a problem anymore since I've stopped taking them along with some amphetamine use which always helps for that sort of thing.
I'm just trying to get through the days, waiting to see when I will get into in-patient rehab. I wasn't sure I needed it but if they can show me better ways to deal with my emotions then I figure I should try. And yes, I have become rather addicted. I can't believe it. I always kind of looked down on people like that. It just seemed foolish to keep doing something you know is ruining your life. Now I've learned that things are just not that obvious or as simple as that. I really thought I could get away with the benefits of drug use, mainly elevated mood. But I didn't count on them screwing up your brain chemicals and even structure. And so although each day is a bit easier to get through, I've still added another layer of problems on top of my borderline issues. Great. Something incredibly shocking that has not helped any of this, is the fact that one of my good friends who had ADHD that I wrote about here a couple times has passed away just before his 31st birthday on November 2nd 2010. Possibly from taking too much Seroquel with alcohol actually (he was a severe alcoholic). Can't write about it too much here because it's just so shocking and tragic and saddening and painful but we just attended a funeral and memorial service that I felt paid tribute to him very well. I just feel so bad for his parents and older sister.

Dear friend, I sincerely pray that you are at peace now, no longer suffering and destined for God's presence. I just wish I didn't have to say bye so soon. Why did you have to go and do this to us your friends and family?! I told you I wouldn't know what to do now

Presumptuous

I dared too much
The audacity to claim spiritual maturity
I pleaded to perceive the truth
Open my eyes
to the nature of things
And with thundering purity
The rug has been pulled from under me
I sought to penetrate life's greatest mysteries
but discovered the biggest mystery has been myself all along
What the hell is going on?
The truth has brought nothing but nightmares
blurred and numb
The mirror reveals a monster and the more I examine
the more horrifying it gets
Existence may be the death of me,
for I don't know how much more my heart root can take
while appearances deceive everyone around me
A frustratingly alluring facade to the world
involuntarily created to survive
My own lies had become my truth
Was blind but now I see
So why am I still a wretch?

drawn out

I don't really get crazy panicky, lightly psychotic episodes anymore. Instead it's like I'm permanently in a quieter, toned-down version with little energy... I feel like I'm tottering on the edge of sanity forever. Each day I'm not sure I'll make it to the next but I'm also not sure how long I can take this. On a totally different, super awesome note, I beat my gameboy brother's minesweeper record on expert! 194 seconds! I know, this means I've been playing it waaay too much but it's keeping me more sane for now

despair/thankfulness

That's how I'm feeling right now. Boy, my last few entries have been pretty ridiculously emotional but you know, that's just what's always buzzing around my head. Everything's so damn intense! I got kicked out of the crisis center today because I still had joints when I went home on visits and continued self-harming behaviours. I'm just clinging on to what little endurance I have left until I see some lady from my dad's church who heals people and said God sent her to Montreal to heal someone so she wants to see if that's me. I don't know what to expect. I certainly do believe in miracles so we'll see. But apparently her english is pretty bad... Well anyway I don't know what else to do, got not much else to lose to keep trying. Or else it's off to the hospital again, and believe me, you do NOT want to be sober in a Quebec hospital ER. On a much more positive note, I am still reading the Bible everyday myself and certainly do feel closer to God than I have in many years.

light in the dark

Even though I'm going through my own personal hell right now (definitely am being spiritually, emotionally and psychologically attacked by demons or what have you) I can see signs that God really is in control of everything and helping me through each day, each hour. I ended up in the ER again, this time an accumulation of drugs over the past month or so plus a little medication with alcohol is what did it. They let me recover, didn't know what to with me and so sent me to the crisis center where I met a fellow Christian who insisted on reading the Bible together and that was really good. I didn't have the strength to read it myself. Now I'm trying to read by myself everyday and claim God's strength as my own since I choose to trust in Him. Then when I went home for just an hour or so to pick up some stuff the other day, it just so happened that 2 Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door. They have been visiting me a few times now but it was really crazy how they happened to show up right when I was home. As fellow Christians they encouraged me and have been wonderfully non-judgmental despite my self-destructive actions. My brother has also been insisting that he is hearing from God that He will heal me soon. And so I wait. But I am so worn out still. I'm pretty much under partial suicide watch at the center.
Another personal revelation: Everything I hate the most in other people (inconsistency, hypocrisy, judgmental, not self-aware, resistant to change, fearful of new things etc) are what I am except even worse than the people I saw them in in the first place! In other words, I've been learning alot about myself these past 2 years and that's an understatement. Basically it's been a horrific journey of self-discovery where I'm finally starting to see who I really am and I'm everything I hate. All this time I have been believing lies about myself and had no idea. I looked down on people who were obviously in denial about themselves but it turns out I was the one who was most in denial! And it's horrifying for me to realize this. To see myself as I really am: so weak, foolish, so fearful of change and abandonment, undependable, addicted... All my life I pleaded with the Lord to change me quicker into His likeness but I now see I can't even handle a glacial pace and I can hardly believe it. The audacity I had to believe I was spiritually advanced!
So, here's yet another poignant song I've been listening to:

Why Do I Lie?
by Luscious Jackson

would love to be better
I would love to be free
I would love to be perfect
when you look at me
but instead I’m still crying
yes instead I’m still lying
sad to say I’m still trying
not to be me
when I see all the weakness
that I turned into sickness
I still think I can slide
just fine on the ice
it's not easy to be honest
sometimes I’m just astonished
how hard it can be to be true

why do I lie?
is it just to get by
if I give up my lines
will I die?
if fortunes are favoured
then I am in labour
and I’m trying so hard
to leave lying behind

I don't want to be hazy
I don't think that I’m crazy
but I’ve had some moments
where I am not sure
and if you can forgive me
for just being human
then I will try harder
to keep my words pure

I could be on the border
it could be a disorder
honestly I think
that I can come clean
and all of my stories might even be boring
if I can tell you
what they all mean

total burnout

Haven't written here in a while because I'm going through some strange, calm, desperate personal hell which is driving me nuts. So nuts that my rational thinking is totally shot. I can't do school, or help out around the house much. Every waking moment is a stupid monumental struggle to get through. It's been 2 months of this slowly escalating as I tried to stop it by doing things like watch movies, walk in forest with friend, play piano/guitar, listen to favorite music but as those things work less and less I get more and more desperate to escape the ridiculous criticizing chatter in my head so I do more desperate things. Like be high all the time, start drinking everyday etc. Now even those things aren't really helping, so I turn to directly hurting myself for relief to see my blood and feel pain that's more pleasurable than what's torturing me in my head. I can't bear reality with a twisted state of mind like this for all that long till I just get totally worn out, burnt out. And then more and more thoughts of dying come to mind all the time. Is this what being attacked by the devil is? or maybe I'm simply a sinful fool and this is just how it's supposed to be for me. I know God doesn't put us through anything we cannot handle with His help but even with His help I'm getting to the end of my rope. My dad too. If I end up in the hospital again I'm fairly sure he'll kick me out of the house and cut me off because he's just too stressed out by me and I don't blame him. I'M stressed out by me! What do I do? Where do I go? Sometimes I get the feeling God wants me to sit and do nothing. Just wait on Him. But that could be completely false. Anyhow, I can't take it anymore. It has become too much to care about anything. I still trust and have faith in God but this is getting too much for me.

I am too weak God. How many times do I have to hit rock bottom?! I'm trying to be patient and I know You will heal me but I've got nothing left. I just want a time-out from life for a little while. A break, a real time of rest and then I can keep trying to get better. Rest. Rest! Just give me a little rest! I know I don't deserve it but... help! I don't know where to turn anymore. What do You expect of me anyways? I'm just getting worse while people try to help, get frustrated and abandon me! I'm not sure I have many friends anymore and you know my nightmare is everyone abandoning me. I can't even talk to my psychologist one-on-one anymore since I'm in his therapy group so it feels like he's abandoning me too and with my pastor on vacation for 4 weeks in Korea I am left without the two people I trusted the most! Of course this happens right when I need them! I thought You were helping me through them! If only I could talk to my mom. But she commited the ultimate abandonment; dying! Now, for the rest of my waking life I'll never get to see her again, sort things out or receive her advice. She fucked me up, abandoned me on this crazy planet and now I'm so lost. Why did You have to take her away?! Couldn't You have waited a couple more years or something?? What good am I to You like this?? I'm in so much emotional pain, so self-centred, depressed, angry, sad, tired, useless, whiny, pathetic, lonely, addicted that there's no way I can love and care for others. I feel like a depressive black hole where Your many gifts and blessings just get sucked up and go to waste. Surely it is best for everybody if You just take me away right now. Or just make me disappear. I can rest in nothingness.
And I know I will find all of this ridiculously stupid if I read it over. Does my foolishness never end??!

Been listening to Towards Dead End over and over again by Children of Bodom. I just love the guitar parts and really, the song in it's entirety. Turns out the lyrics (that I could barely make out by listening anyway) describe how I'm feeling quite well. I think Alexi Laiho might have BPD himself or had/has borderline tendencies. But he ain't too good at writing in English sometimes...

Towards Dead End:
No flickering light at the end of the path
Confront repressions of the past
Fear... Prevail... Insanity... Obey!
Draw back in silence to dwell in anxiety
No matter where I am, I'm alone
My dreams are shattered into thousand running tears
The tears keep dripping down, down,down, down from my veins
I'm walking towards dead end and I'm walking all alone
Two steps behind insanity
There's no starlight guiding my way through this downward death row
Soon will be the time I have to go...
Little by little the end is drawing near
Another night and so little blood to spare(Ya can hurt me... but ya can't possess me ´Y know...)
Kill me, hurt me, fuck me, rape me, you won't have me!
Draw back in silence to dwell in anxiety
No matter where I am, I'm alone
I'm crying out loud the tears of blood I bleed
so fuck the world, I'll go now, I don't care. (Who cares?)
I'm walking towards dead end, I'm walking all alone
Two steps ago I passed insanity
There's no starlight guiding my way through this downward death row
So now is the time I have to go

slipped again

It looks like my life is slowly falling apart in front of my eyes. I know it sounds so melodramatic but that's how I truly see my reality right now. The emotional pain, depression and anxiety make everyday an epic struggle to get through. I'm only writing this so I'm too occupied to do something stupid to myself again. But I don't know how much longer I can endure this. It's gotten really bad now for about 2 weeks and each day is absolute torture. I just want relief from from the awfully negative thoughts in my head. They don't even let me sleep much anymore because they've gotten faster and more intense. Needless to say, it's gotten too hard to go to school, cook for my dad and brother and generally help out around the house. I keep slipping and feeling worse so now I'm mostly in a drug induced haze. And of course this is all driving my dad nuts because on top of everything, our cook has quit and we can't find someone else to replace her. He can't stand seeing me sitting around doing nothing and not going to school or helping him. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm lazy and don't even think of him. He said he's considering kicking me out and leaving me on welfare. I feel so bad and guilty, I'm burning him out like crazy but what can I do? He doesn't believe I'm really suffering much because he doesn't understand how someone can be mentally ill to the point of disability. And you know, maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just using this all to justify sitting around and letting other people do shit for me. Maybe I really am not trying hard enough to take responsibility for my life and become independent is all I'm trying to avoid. Which makes me feel even more guilty if it's true. This all just confirms what my mom always said to me when I was little: I'm lazy, disorganized, slow at everything and generally useless and a burden on her because she has to take care of me instead of pursue her dream career. Clearly, I am only a burden to those closest to me and honestly it's difficult for me not to think that people really would be better off if I just disappeared or ran away or something stupid like that. And I know this all sounds so childish and immature and whiny and self-pitying and ridiculously irrational but I don't know how to make it stop. I feel like I've already tried so hard to get this far and I've got nothing left. I've tried everything to escape these stupid thought patterns. I don't know what to do now. Meanwhile my dad keeps demanding to know what I want to do and that he doesn't care anymore about what we'll eat, we can starve because he can't deal with home and work life at the same time anymore. And it breaks my heart to see how much he has aged from stress from me. And at the same time I get angry with him for not understanding me at all. And I'm most of all so frustrated with myself. Doesn't it make sense to put myself in a peaceful coma or something? Is that just incredibly selfish of me? Is there no escape from my faults?? I'm just so useless to everyone right now, including God which hurts the most.
I'm really feeling the song Tuna Fish By Emiliana Torrini now...

Psalm 77

Spiritually speaking I haven't been doing very well. I kinda went into 'I'm taking a break for now' mode since I'm finally more stable and better able to relax. I felt like I needed a break from trying to improve and so I've gotten closer to my ex again and I've been taking drugs more than I said I would. But then suddenly I felt compelled to crack open my Bible the other day and I turned to Psalm 77 and it was like it was written just for me. It's just incredible to feel the Spirit speak to you and that hadn't happened to me for a while so it felt like a rush of relief. The psalmist's voice is my voice too. I've cried out to God and suffered mentally and emotionally just like he did. But then he decides to remember God's miraculous deeds of old and meditate on all His works and he ends up praising the Lord by meditating on how He guided His people to freedom from slavery in Egypt. And so, this is what I must do as well. Faith is truly needed in order to be freed from the past. You have to believe in God's all-powerful love. And I think I do and don't at the same time which is very stressful. I know I'm gonna go to heaven at some point in the future but I also tend to forget about God's omnipotence and mercy, or I'll see only one characteristic or the other. It's sooo frustrating. God's character is comprised of dichotomies: merciful and punitive, forgiving yet perfectly holy and cannot stand sin, patient yet urgently calls to our hearts, so sublime yet personal for every individual etc... And all of that drives me nuts. Because of my extreme perceptions, or 'splitting', from BPD it's super-hard to see all those dichotomies in God at the same time. I usually keep flipping from one to the other; God will seem so painfully holy and punitive for a while, and then He'll seem so merciful and even tolerant of sin. And this affects my thoughts and actions as well so I'm just stressfully confused most of the time. Intellectually I know that God is both holy and unconditionally loving through Christ but emotionally and in my heart I can only see one side or the other. What's the result? Self-sabotage. I do what I don't want to do and I don't do what I want to do. Ugh. This is why I need that DBT group I guess. And why I think the borderline personality has one of the hardest times walking with the Lord out of all the personalities. Or maybe I'm just trying to give myself excuses...

back to school

I forget if I mentioned it here but I would love to have my own goth clothing store downtown. And instead of the usual upside down pentagram on the wall I'll have some sort of noticeable Christian symbol! I picture it being part of a community that's eclectic and tolerant and a place for God's love to shine to disposessed youth. But who knows, maybe God has other plans for me. In any case I've just got to keep trying at this thing called life so I'm now in fashion marketing at a college downtown. So far it's pretty awesome. Interesting classes and knowledgeable teachers. But the same troubles I had in my last year at Concordia are still with me. I sometimes get so anxious in the mornings I can't get my butt to school. The other day I ended up picking my fingers till some bled so I just barely managed to get to class late. Whatever. The DBT group is gonna start soon so that should help. It's a therapy group specifically for people with BPD and it's co-led by my psychologist. I really do need help with my extreme perceptions because they're mostly responsible for my extreme behaviour.
Having a school schedule again is stressing me out and I still need to smoke up afterwards everyday but at least there's the classes which are extremely interesting.

my philosophical two cents

I may have come up with a sort of quote:
The meaning of life is in relationships.
You can't have meaning if you can't relate or compare anything to anything else. And this is because God is love, meaning He's all about relationships amongst ourselves, with our environment, between individuals and Him etc. And this is why most of us would eventually go nuts if we were completely isolated from everybody else too long. And this is why community is so important and why you can know alot about someone by observing their friends.
I guess having BPD means I'm not too good at these things sometimes because I relate and percieve in extremes. I can be so friendly and helpful but I can also be so selfish and judgmental. I can react too strongly to what someone might say to me. But anyhow, God can heal the most wretched in the world so I have hope in Him. Which reminds me; while I was having an awfully rough night the last time I was hospitalized, a melody cut through all the pain and dizziness. Out of nowhere I was hearing the melody of the song I Love You, Lord and it gave me something to hold on to. I kept humming it over and over in my head and the Lord gave me more resilience through it. I would have suffered alot more if it wasn't for that song popping into my head. Music can truly be powerful.
Here are the words:

I love You Lord
and I lift my voice
to worship You
O my soul, rejoice!
Take joy my King, in what You hear
may it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.

calmer days

The past month or so has been a tad more peaceful and I'm so thankful for that. I can see that I've gotten past the need for hospitalizations for at least the near future, praise God. My grandparents went back home and my brother is in Korea for the whole summer so its been pretty quiet. I try to keep myself a little busy with simple little errands here and there. I also have to take care of all the gardens and lawn-mowing so that's been a learning experience. It's a real quiet, suburban life I'm living, sort of, except when my bad decision-making partly due to my BPD and depression get in the way. Of course, this frustrates my dad and we've had another bad fight but I only moderately felt like running away and didn't act on it which is a good sign. I've reverted to smoking everyday but I stopped the cigarettes and I still don't do it as much as I used to. I unfortunately do like to have the occasional harder drug. And one extremely hot, humid day my friends and I went to a bar that had no air-conditioning. I hadn't seen them in a long time so I was in a partying mood and probably had one too many beers and by the time we left I was puking and became completely paralyzed. I ended up in a hospital overnight. I was so shocked. What I realize now is that it was partly because anti-psychotic drugs can make you more sensitive to heat and they were popping them into my mouth like candy at the psych ward. No wonder the hot days this summer seemed alot more unbearable than the years before. But also, I do stupid things sometimes. Like still having a crush on my ex who's legally criminally insane, schizophrenic, loves drugs and stealing from stores, has violent urges (thankfully he gets an injection once a month that helps with that) and pollutes and spits all the time. What the hell is wrong with me?! I can't seem to uncrush and I don't understand it at all. It's soooo frustrating! The only good things about him is that he's cute, goofily funny and likes to read. That's it. Anyway, all I can do is avoid him now that I finally got some stuff back that I lent him and another guy at the ward. His craziness never ceases to amaze me. Example:

Me: Why are you staring at those two guys walking by? (One had a shaved head)
Crazy One: I'm admiring the shape of their skulls.
Me: Huh? Why? What do you mean?
CO: I wish there was a way I could remove their brains and arteries and all the other stuff in their heads, take the skulls out and reconnect everything else back together and still be alive. And then clean, polish and keep the skulls for myself.
Me: That's what you were really thinking about just now?
CO: Yup.
Me: You're so crazy.
CO: Hmm, I've been getting that alot lately.

Anyhow, all this to say I'm not exactly living the perfect suburban life (not that I want to) but definitely most days are relatively peaceful. Just looking forward to going back to school and seeing friends. And playing with Frank, the best cat in the world.

Still working on the Old Times Cruelty tab but I've been slowed down by the heat and broken air-conditioning. I'm almost done the pretty introduction but it's taking me longer because it's two different parts so I've got two tracks going.


Isn't it so cool how her stripes turn into spots?

And this is why she's the awesomest cat ever. She'll enjoy a bellyrub even from a complete stranger like this person she only just met. So cute!!

still working on tabs

Just a note:
I'm still working on the tab for Old Times Cruelty by Antestor and the goal is to eventually tab the whole album.

out of the hospital x3

Haven't written here in a little while because I ended up in the hospital for a week yet again. It seemed to be the only place where my racing thoughts could stop. At home I was getting more and more down, so I smoked more and more until I was stoned all the time. I couldn't do anything since it destroyed any motivation I had which was really unhelpful in the end. I was living a slow, foggy nightmare where I would be constantly horrified of my faults and mistakes and of my grandparents dying and people leaving me. When I had yet another episode in the ER, instead of strapping me down completely, a really awesome nurse just stayed with me and held my hand the whole time until the meds eventually kicked in and I fell asleep. I made more friends and saw the regulars again but that place will make you crazy if you aren't already. We're all thrown together; schizophrenics, bipolars, anxious people, depressed people, drug users who went psychotic, personality disorders etc. It's impossible to relax there because there's either people screaming, talking to the radio or TV, saying things that make little or no sense or completely changing their behavior unexpectedly and doing odd things. I'm glad I never have to stay there too long.
After I got out I got into an argument with my dad and nearly ran away to a convent. I was afraid I might have to go back to the hospital but thankfully my pastor straightened me out and made with me a schedule to follow and I've been better ever since. I smoke way less now, I'm looking for a part-time job and I'm going back to school in the fall to study fashion merchandising.
One of my friends that I met in the psych ward the first time I was there seems to be doing progressively worse. He's using multiple doctors to get painkillers like Oxycontin which he doesn't need and he's abusing them all. I'm afraid he might die any day now, especially since he hasn't been answering his phone lately. Oh Lord, please save him! Give him the strength and faith needed to change.

Dying's part of life

I know this is true. And yet I can't help but be traumatized by it. And everytime I conclude I will not be able to see a certain friend again, it feels the same. Like I just murdered them because of course, the world revolves around me as one who suffers from BPD. Losing so many friends at once with no explanation from them, the bird dying, and now my grandmother is apparently dying. My grandpa said this ever so matter-of-factly 6 days ago. I've been enduring awful pain and panic since then and I can hold out only because I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow. I thought I was doing better. I really was trying. I've been able to hold on this long but I've been battered by all these emotionally wrenching events, and so soon after I got out of the hospital. I really don't want to go back. I don't know what to do... And then there are moments where I feel like there isn't really anything wrong. I'm actually ok and I just think I'm not so I can be lazy. Anyway, all of this sounds so silly and stupid. I've got to just move on. Why can't I just move on? I've got to relax. Why can't I just relax and give myself a break? I need to make the racing thoughts stop soon.

better, worse, ninjas and stigmas

I am having a pretty hard time. Alot of little things are bugging me and building up. It's just so frustrating that this is happening so soon after I got out of the hospital. It's only been 2 weeks but it feels like 2 months. I have to try harder to ask for help when I can't take it anymore instead of immediately doing something stupid. I can't even bring myself to write about what's troubling me the most because it's so upsetting at the moment. For now, the green stuff makes everything more bearable. I feel stupid even writing this much.

On a more interesting note, I have heard from friends that an aquaintance from the hospital who is very charming and fun to talk to has fallen into a schizophrenic episode. He believes ninjas are after him and bugged his place. He would stalk his girlfriend to make sure she didn't get attacked and spread salt and water all over his walls to keep them out. He's always armed with knives. He'll probably end up hospitalized again soon. It's hilarious and so sad at the same time. He'll never be able to consistently function in society even though he's otherwise intelligent and friendly.

Sometimes I see mental health articles in the newspaper and it's often about depression and how there shouldn't be any stigma surrounding mental illnesses in general. That's just wishful thinking. When you have a mental illness it means something's wrong in your brain and mind so of course you feel weaker and stupider than the average, healthy person. The simple fact is that it feels shameful to have a mental illness. When I tell some people that I have BPD and clinical depression I am admitting my worst flaws. I am admitting I have thoughts and actions that are the polar opposite to what I really want; that I'm lazy and sometimes cannot control myself or my thoughts to extreme levels.

Overreacted?

Ok, so maybe I overreacted with my agent a little. He says he will keep a maximum of two beers for the day if I come over. So I did and we all had fun again but I couldn't stay long. I don't know what I was freaking out about. I just get so afraid everybody will leave me and I know it's completely irrational but I still can't stop being scared and I hate myself for it.

Then I got upset and almost had an episode again over a bird. My neighbour's cat (I call her Frank but they call her Kittie. Kittie?!) came over to visit me as she often does because she's such a people cat. We played with string and eventually stopped. And then I saw out the window that she was playing again but with something else. It was a poor bird and she was tossing it around and biting its head, killing it so slowly. For a little while I was so shocked at the bird's suffering I didn't know what to do. Then I picked it up with a plastic bag, found it wasn't flapping around but shaking slightly. I did everything I was supposed to do. I put it in a box with the cover loosely sitting on it so the bird calms down. I called a bird sanctuary and was preparing to drive all the way to Hudson because it would need antibiotics at least. But it died. At first it looked like it was just staring off into the distance and then its eyelids drooped and it looked like it was peacefully sleeping. Death is quite peaceful in a way. I was ok for a bit but finally I couldn't help it. I was so strongly reminded of how my mother died right in front of my eyes. She looked like she was just sleeping but then the monitors started going off and so on. After doctors tried to revive her, that was it. She would never open her eyes again. So quick and quiet. I couldn't believe that that was it at first. What just happened? She isn't moving, responding to touch at all now. I'm just blathering on here. Anyways, it's like my memories got triggered by the death of the bird and they were extremely painfully haunting me. Forcing me to relive the emotions. Driving me nuts. Arg.
I am ok now. Just ok. I'm not doing much. Just smoking really. And trying to finish things on my list. Keep painting. May work on my song now.

less friends

I've suddenly had to cut off a bunch of friendships, mostly the ones made in the hospital. I thought I could help them but in the end they were dragging me down with their own insane drama. Making my drama worse. I hate it when I have to do that. On a side note, schizophrenia really sucks. And, everyone has big issues in a psych ward even if they deny it or seem normal. So, I think that's 3 friends I lost at once. One of them is my agent. Turns out he gets violently out of control when drunk and he's been drinking more and more. I never want to see him again. Not safe. I got through the beginning of May, horribly, but got through it so this week has been better and I'll get through the end of May too. I still do lunches and drive my brother everyday and I finished another painting. The rest of the time I've been goofing off and smoking and checking the weather website everyday. I've just got to somehow relax more. For some reason it's really hard to do, sometimes I'm unconsciously stressed but think I'm not.

shitty tab links

Ok I realized that my upload links don't work after a certain while so if you have come here for the tabs and the links don't work then just write what you want in a comment or something and I can reupload it.

back home again x2

I ended up in the psych ward again and just got out yesterday after a week and a half. I'm disappointed in myself and I had to be completely strapped down again but at least I feel better now. It's like I have to hit rock bottom to be jarred out of crappy thinking patterns that every once in a while seem to possess me. I know my mind is lying to me but I still can't help believing it because it feels truthful. I made a new friend and met up again with two girls I had been visiting. One of them is really not doing well, the place is driving her more nuts, so I pray for her.
It's just that the beginning of May is really not good for me since that's when my mother died and also there's Mother's Day. And, as I wrote before, I was using weed to slow down the progressively negative thoughts building up in my head but eventually I got too low to handle myself which coincided with the past crappy week.
But now I'm doing better. Not amazingly but I do have projects I want to work on which is good:
- read the Bible regularly as my pastor dictates in terms of how much and when
- I need to get ready for the art sale by putting together a website for my work and print out business cards...
- continue working on the song I'm writing
- continue making my dad and brother's lunches and driving my bro to the station
- practice some guitar technique
- walk to the cemetery and back twice a week
- visit the girls at the ward with guitar once a week
- paint more paintings
- eventually continue tabbing Antestor

Oh boy, I guess I'll see how it goes with all these things to do. I'm terrible at being consistent with anything but I've got to try.

long time no see

My life is some sort of messed up drama movie. So I haven't really been keeping things up regularly. But these days I'm feeling a bit better so here I am. Here's a quick summary of the past few months:

I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder at the psychiatric ward in October along with depression. They got me a regular psychiatrist and psychologist who knows my mind better than I do. I made very interesting friends there and even had a schizophrenic criminally insane boyfriend for a little while which caused some of my friends great worry along with my dabbling with drugs (I only stick to natural stuff now). Then because of my personality disorder I freaked out and thought everyone's frustrated at me and will abandon me and I only cause pain to those around me and I stupidly overdosed again which got me in the psychiatric ward again in February but only for a week. I may have had the worst episode ever while I was there and I had to be strapped down and injected. But I got better quickly after that. Ever since then I've just been struggling day by day to stay stable. Trying to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself and just not care too much about anything. Got good days and not so good days. I've been spending lots of time with friends including a group I met at the ward. One of them is my art agent (he gets 5%, to be paid in weed) and he already got 5 of my paintings in a commercial gallery! It's a childhood dream come true! And I'm in an art sale in June! So that's been boosting my mood lately. Another friend is pretty much a general substance addict in denial but he likes to come to church with me every week. He has ADHD and boy does he suffer. Hopefully, my atheist agent will decide to come too despite his criminal tendencies. These are the people who really need to go to church afterall. Been playing with friends' cats alot too. I love cats. I started writing my own, simple folkish song and it's going really well. I like how it sounds so far. I still see my pastor once a week generally and I've definitely had moments where I really felt the Holy Spirit with us, talking to us through His Word and urging us to take hope in Christ's victory on the cross. So that's also been good for being more stable too. I still have self-destructive thoughts but I don't feel tempted to act on them very much. I'm not as nervous and I'm not picking at my fingers as much as last week. Oh yeah, I also started smoking while in the hospital. Ironic, but the scheduled smoking breaks really make you smoke since there's nothing else to do there. I'm not really a regular though, unless you count the joints too. It really helps in keeping me sane and out of the hospital but I don't want to depend on it for the rest of my life either.

I've learnt so much about myself, still am. I'm definitely borderline and I can see how my perceptions get distorted by my emotions and such. I am more weak and foolish than I ever thought but it's ok, I know God is taking care of me despite my flaws. I hate how BPD just seems to mean you're a crybaby and percieve everthing in extremes so I suck at being rational. On the other hand, it's nice to finally know what it is that's been driving me nuts. Sort of.