slipped again

It looks like my life is slowly falling apart in front of my eyes. I know it sounds so melodramatic but that's how I truly see my reality right now. The emotional pain, depression and anxiety make everyday an epic struggle to get through. I'm only writing this so I'm too occupied to do something stupid to myself again. But I don't know how much longer I can endure this. It's gotten really bad now for about 2 weeks and each day is absolute torture. I just want relief from from the awfully negative thoughts in my head. They don't even let me sleep much anymore because they've gotten faster and more intense. Needless to say, it's gotten too hard to go to school, cook for my dad and brother and generally help out around the house. I keep slipping and feeling worse so now I'm mostly in a drug induced haze. And of course this is all driving my dad nuts because on top of everything, our cook has quit and we can't find someone else to replace her. He can't stand seeing me sitting around doing nothing and not going to school or helping him. I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm lazy and don't even think of him. He said he's considering kicking me out and leaving me on welfare. I feel so bad and guilty, I'm burning him out like crazy but what can I do? He doesn't believe I'm really suffering much because he doesn't understand how someone can be mentally ill to the point of disability. And you know, maybe he's right. Maybe I'm just using this all to justify sitting around and letting other people do shit for me. Maybe I really am not trying hard enough to take responsibility for my life and become independent is all I'm trying to avoid. Which makes me feel even more guilty if it's true. This all just confirms what my mom always said to me when I was little: I'm lazy, disorganized, slow at everything and generally useless and a burden on her because she has to take care of me instead of pursue her dream career. Clearly, I am only a burden to those closest to me and honestly it's difficult for me not to think that people really would be better off if I just disappeared or ran away or something stupid like that. And I know this all sounds so childish and immature and whiny and self-pitying and ridiculously irrational but I don't know how to make it stop. I feel like I've already tried so hard to get this far and I've got nothing left. I've tried everything to escape these stupid thought patterns. I don't know what to do now. Meanwhile my dad keeps demanding to know what I want to do and that he doesn't care anymore about what we'll eat, we can starve because he can't deal with home and work life at the same time anymore. And it breaks my heart to see how much he has aged from stress from me. And at the same time I get angry with him for not understanding me at all. And I'm most of all so frustrated with myself. Doesn't it make sense to put myself in a peaceful coma or something? Is that just incredibly selfish of me? Is there no escape from my faults?? I'm just so useless to everyone right now, including God which hurts the most.
I'm really feeling the song Tuna Fish By Emiliana Torrini now...