total burnout

Haven't written here in a while because I'm going through some strange, calm, desperate personal hell which is driving me nuts. So nuts that my rational thinking is totally shot. I can't do school, or help out around the house much. Every waking moment is a stupid monumental struggle to get through. It's been 2 months of this slowly escalating as I tried to stop it by doing things like watch movies, walk in forest with friend, play piano/guitar, listen to favorite music but as those things work less and less I get more and more desperate to escape the ridiculous criticizing chatter in my head so I do more desperate things. Like be high all the time, start drinking everyday etc. Now even those things aren't really helping, so I turn to directly hurting myself for relief to see my blood and feel pain that's more pleasurable than what's torturing me in my head. I can't bear reality with a twisted state of mind like this for all that long till I just get totally worn out, burnt out. And then more and more thoughts of dying come to mind all the time. Is this what being attacked by the devil is? or maybe I'm simply a sinful fool and this is just how it's supposed to be for me. I know God doesn't put us through anything we cannot handle with His help but even with His help I'm getting to the end of my rope. My dad too. If I end up in the hospital again I'm fairly sure he'll kick me out of the house and cut me off because he's just too stressed out by me and I don't blame him. I'M stressed out by me! What do I do? Where do I go? Sometimes I get the feeling God wants me to sit and do nothing. Just wait on Him. But that could be completely false. Anyhow, I can't take it anymore. It has become too much to care about anything. I still trust and have faith in God but this is getting too much for me.

I am too weak God. How many times do I have to hit rock bottom?! I'm trying to be patient and I know You will heal me but I've got nothing left. I just want a time-out from life for a little while. A break, a real time of rest and then I can keep trying to get better. Rest. Rest! Just give me a little rest! I know I don't deserve it but... help! I don't know where to turn anymore. What do You expect of me anyways? I'm just getting worse while people try to help, get frustrated and abandon me! I'm not sure I have many friends anymore and you know my nightmare is everyone abandoning me. I can't even talk to my psychologist one-on-one anymore since I'm in his therapy group so it feels like he's abandoning me too and with my pastor on vacation for 4 weeks in Korea I am left without the two people I trusted the most! Of course this happens right when I need them! I thought You were helping me through them! If only I could talk to my mom. But she commited the ultimate abandonment; dying! Now, for the rest of my waking life I'll never get to see her again, sort things out or receive her advice. She fucked me up, abandoned me on this crazy planet and now I'm so lost. Why did You have to take her away?! Couldn't You have waited a couple more years or something?? What good am I to You like this?? I'm in so much emotional pain, so self-centred, depressed, angry, sad, tired, useless, whiny, pathetic, lonely, addicted that there's no way I can love and care for others. I feel like a depressive black hole where Your many gifts and blessings just get sucked up and go to waste. Surely it is best for everybody if You just take me away right now. Or just make me disappear. I can rest in nothingness.
And I know I will find all of this ridiculously stupid if I read it over. Does my foolishness never end??!

Been listening to Towards Dead End over and over again by Children of Bodom. I just love the guitar parts and really, the song in it's entirety. Turns out the lyrics (that I could barely make out by listening anyway) describe how I'm feeling quite well. I think Alexi Laiho might have BPD himself or had/has borderline tendencies. But he ain't too good at writing in English sometimes...

Towards Dead End:
No flickering light at the end of the path
Confront repressions of the past
Fear... Prevail... Insanity... Obey!
Draw back in silence to dwell in anxiety
No matter where I am, I'm alone
My dreams are shattered into thousand running tears
The tears keep dripping down, down,down, down from my veins
I'm walking towards dead end and I'm walking all alone
Two steps behind insanity
There's no starlight guiding my way through this downward death row
Soon will be the time I have to go...
Little by little the end is drawing near
Another night and so little blood to spare(Ya can hurt me... but ya can't possess me ´Y know...)
Kill me, hurt me, fuck me, rape me, you won't have me!
Draw back in silence to dwell in anxiety
No matter where I am, I'm alone
I'm crying out loud the tears of blood I bleed
so fuck the world, I'll go now, I don't care. (Who cares?)
I'm walking towards dead end, I'm walking all alone
Two steps ago I passed insanity
There's no starlight guiding my way through this downward death row
So now is the time I have to go