light in the dark

Even though I'm going through my own personal hell right now (definitely am being spiritually, emotionally and psychologically attacked by demons or what have you) I can see signs that God really is in control of everything and helping me through each day, each hour. I ended up in the ER again, this time an accumulation of drugs over the past month or so plus a little medication with alcohol is what did it. They let me recover, didn't know what to with me and so sent me to the crisis center where I met a fellow Christian who insisted on reading the Bible together and that was really good. I didn't have the strength to read it myself. Now I'm trying to read by myself everyday and claim God's strength as my own since I choose to trust in Him. Then when I went home for just an hour or so to pick up some stuff the other day, it just so happened that 2 Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door. They have been visiting me a few times now but it was really crazy how they happened to show up right when I was home. As fellow Christians they encouraged me and have been wonderfully non-judgmental despite my self-destructive actions. My brother has also been insisting that he is hearing from God that He will heal me soon. And so I wait. But I am so worn out still. I'm pretty much under partial suicide watch at the center.
Another personal revelation: Everything I hate the most in other people (inconsistency, hypocrisy, judgmental, not self-aware, resistant to change, fearful of new things etc) are what I am except even worse than the people I saw them in in the first place! In other words, I've been learning alot about myself these past 2 years and that's an understatement. Basically it's been a horrific journey of self-discovery where I'm finally starting to see who I really am and I'm everything I hate. All this time I have been believing lies about myself and had no idea. I looked down on people who were obviously in denial about themselves but it turns out I was the one who was most in denial! And it's horrifying for me to realize this. To see myself as I really am: so weak, foolish, so fearful of change and abandonment, undependable, addicted... All my life I pleaded with the Lord to change me quicker into His likeness but I now see I can't even handle a glacial pace and I can hardly believe it. The audacity I had to believe I was spiritually advanced!
So, here's yet another poignant song I've been listening to:

Why Do I Lie?
by Luscious Jackson

would love to be better
I would love to be free
I would love to be perfect
when you look at me
but instead I’m still crying
yes instead I’m still lying
sad to say I’m still trying
not to be me
when I see all the weakness
that I turned into sickness
I still think I can slide
just fine on the ice
it's not easy to be honest
sometimes I’m just astonished
how hard it can be to be true

why do I lie?
is it just to get by
if I give up my lines
will I die?
if fortunes are favoured
then I am in labour
and I’m trying so hard
to leave lying behind

I don't want to be hazy
I don't think that I’m crazy
but I’ve had some moments
where I am not sure
and if you can forgive me
for just being human
then I will try harder
to keep my words pure

I could be on the border
it could be a disorder
honestly I think
that I can come clean
and all of my stories might even be boring
if I can tell you
what they all mean