teetering yet firm

I think that's the best way to describe how I'm doing these days. I spend alot of time with my amazing bf who is doing well on his meds, (hardly any paranoid talking) I go to Marijuana Anonymous meetings and the occasional Narcotics Anonymous, I go to my group therapy once a week now with familiar faces from rehab and I now go to the printmaking studio that I am a member of and am relearning the lithography stone process again and I'm falling in love with it all over again. I have so many ideas for artwork/prints that I can't keep up. In a couple days I will start school in Psychology and I think I'm ready, we'll see. And I'm 80 days sober. These are all the good things. The not so good things are that my thoughts become mostly depressing when I'm alone and I'm constantly tempted to drug or drink again. Avoiding alcohol is the hardest since it's everywhere. I have to make sure wherever I go, people are not going to drink around me which can be tricky sometimes. My bf's family knows my problems as a result of my bf having to tell them on my behalf not to drink when I'm over for dinner. I can't really go to parties anymore except for a small amount where drinking won't happen anyways and I can't really eat at pubs or places that have prominent bars, even if they are restaurants first. Going to the corner store is difficult too since here in Quebec, beer can be sold in any one and in grocery stores. So I have to be constantly vigilant. Thankfully through God's grace I have the firm motivation to stay vigilant always but it's hard. I'll have thoughts where I miss drinking with friends or just with the nice weather. What's even harder is being vigilant against pot. Sometimes even though I'm being careful, I'll get a whiff of it in my face walking around downtown or even in my sleepy neighbourhood. The other day while waiting for a bus, I scanned the ground for any potential roaches I could pick up and smoke, even though I don't want to smoke it ever again. Even harder are the dreams where I get tempted and give in and they are so real, I'm really getting high in my dreams sometimes. And then there's the thoughts like, oh I could have just one puff, just for fun, or I can have just one line, I never did cocaine all that much... I told my bf and he said, remember when you did lines for 5 days in a row? You were constantly crying and delirious. Oh yeah, that was one of the worst times of my life. I remember going to my psychologist and just crying and crying and he said, "you're in such a bad state that I can't do anything for you." That helped me deal with those stupid 'I can have just a bit' thoughts.