wow meds are important

I feel so much restless energy it's driving me crazy and I feel emotionally inside out, everything is felt so intensely it hurts. Very much as I felt while going in and out of the psych ward over and over again. And I laughed and cried at the same time hysterically at absolutely nothing. I feel like jumping out of my own skin. And I can't concentrate on anything or go to school. All this because I forgot to take my meds last night. Seroquel really does work for me in the sense that it stabilizes me emotionally, though it makes it hard to wake up in the morning. Man I hate it when I forget to take it! Taking a half dose now and hopefully I'll get through the day.

oh yeah the walk

It went really well! Finally I raised 635$ and the walk itself was alot of fun! Alot of friends came along with me and we all had a good time for a good cause.

I was the speaker today!

Today was my first time being the speaker at the Marijuana Anonymous meeting today! I was so nervous the whole week I was asked to do it and during the whole time I spoke but I think it went well. I only had 20 minutes and honestly that is not enough time for my crazy story so I had to leave out alot of things. But I spoke a bit about my mom and how she treated me when I was young and how she had cancer for 10 years and then passed away. Then I talked about my first experience with weed and how I started to like it while with an ex who became a pothead. Then I mentioned the quarter life crisis where you know you are graduating from school and don't know what to do next and how that triggered my BPD to be even worse and then the nightmare of using so many drugs all the time constantly, then ending up in the psych ward, then using again and over and over again going back and forth between the two. And the trauma of being in a psych ward, losing your freedom and being constantly watched and being restrained on a bed so many times. Then realizing I needed to go to rehab and accepting that I am an addict and learning to deal with my emotions positively and taking care of myself instead of self-destructing. And finally practicing what I learned and getting better and going to school and having hope for the future as a psychologist to help people like myself. Knowing that God saved my life repeatedly and wants me to help and love others. Now I have to work on not being so scared of people. Can't be a psychologist and love others if I'm scared of them!

walk tomorrow!

I had a good day. I had it all to myself. Woke up late, had a shower, cut my nails, practised some singing and guitar, did a little homework, had small meals and pizza for dinner and watched a good movie with my roommates. And now pleasantly tipsy but not overboard. Today's been a good simple day. Tomorrow morning will be the walk for mental health. I thought of making a sign saying 'any illness deserves treatment, not judgment.' But I was too lazy today, and a bit afraid of possibly bringing attention to myself. Maybe next year. I raised 625$ for the cause of mental health yay!

Thanksgiving

Here in Canada Thanksgiving was this past weekend and overall I had a good time but with a few bumps along the way. For Friday night to Sunday me and my fiance went to his family's cottage in Mt.Tremblant which is a very pretty and mountainous area where skiing is popular in the winter and watching the leaves change colour is the other amazing thing to do there in the fall. It was a beautiful weekend and the food was amazing thanks to my fiance's mother's cooking skills. The only not so great thing was that I had a midterm on Tuesday on 44 different philosophers and their work which is nuts so I had to study alot of the time. Then we had Thanksgiving dinner again at my dad's house on Monday with his wife, her friend and friend's niece and my brother and his friend and my dad. I felt like it went well on the surface but there were weird moments that I picked up and some rather unpleasant moments too. First of all I do not like this friend of my step-mom's, she pissed me off alot the last couple times I saw her because she talked to me like she was a close friend (I only just met her) and therefore talked about my mom in very personal terms. It was very invasive and then she has the nerve to ask "you must miss your mom huh?" Who does that? So I was not happy to see her but her daughter just committed suicide and my parents wanted to comfort her. Her niece seemed nice on the surface but I could feel her doing that very korean thing where I could see in her eyes that she was sizing me up; "is she prettier than me? is she skinnier than me? better than me?" I could almost hear these words coming from her brain. And I don't like people judging and comparing me to others. Then she bragged about herself to my brother's friend and it seemed like she had a thing for him or just wanted to impress men. They also played their favourite music from the 70's in Korea and it is of course the same music my mom loved to listen to. It triggered my PTSD a bit with emotions coming up but I kept it together. Then on the way back home, my step-mom and friend and niece all started gossiping about a lady at church, saying her legs are 3 times as large as the niece's and that she's gotten even fatter in the past few months. I found this repulsive and hypocritical of them since I know at least my step-mom hates it when people gossip at church. Why does image and weight have to be so important to korean women? I guess it's not just korean women but it somehow seems to be a degree worse with them. I know people who are overweight and I would never put them down for it. Everybody's just different. And that's what korean people seem to have a hard time accepting. And of course it makes me want to lose weight before I ever go back to visit Korea. And to end it all my dad says goodbye by saying "you guys should exercise, you seem to be gaining weight". So, not the best Thanksgiving at least on that day.

Heaven and hell

I had a crazy, spiritually significant dream last night. I suddenly became a part of a group of people talking with a girl who died and came back to visit and talk about her experience. But I didn't know her or anybody else in the group so I decided to introduce myself and mentioned I'm in school. The girl said she's trying to get in to a sort of school but it's really hard to get in. I asked, what's it like being dead? She said, well, people randomly rape you and shit and pee on you and all sorts of terrible, perverted things. There's a way to escape but you have to find an access number to the school to get in, then when you graduate you can go somewhere else. It's really hard to get in because the access number is hard to find and everybody wants to find it. I was shocked, thought about it and then realized, she's in hell! I freaked out and said, you're in hell! You don't seem like a bad person, did you reject God or Jesus? The difference between heaven and hell is not the difference between pleasure and pain, it's being in God's presence or being without His presence. Please accept His love!
Then the scene changed completely and I knew I was in a group of people again, this time waiting for my friend who died from a drug overdose in real life to come back and tell us how he is. He showed up looking very well and chatted with us for a long time. I hate that I can't remember what he was saying, only that he looked calm and able to talk well which are two things he never could do when he was alive. Then I asked him the same question, what's it like being dead? feeling worried that he might be suffering like the girl. He said, it's been the best experience of my life. He looked so happy when he said this, and I knew he must live in heaven now. I was so happy to see him again and then I woke up.
I wonder what this dream meant. For sure my friend is in heaven now, I know this. But I wonder about the rest of the dream. Is hell really as she described? Is there an incredibly difficult way to get out of hell through a form of school? This would help to answer one of those theological dilemmas I've sometimes wondered about. If hell is the absence of God's presence, how does it exist? Everything needs God's touch to exist and He knows everything including what goes on in hell so doesn't that mean He does have a presence there? Well if there is a kind of school which is a way to get out of hell, then I guess that is God's presence in hell but clearly the people in hell do not have access to His presence generally speaking so they suffer and continue to sin against each other. Anyways, crazy dream huh?

So jealous (never saying jelly)

My brain has been obsessed with one thing mostly these days: being jealous of others. Constantly. It's really annoying. At first I just went along with it, totally believing myself. The most common one is, aw that girl is skinnier and/or prettier than me. Then there's others like, that person seems so much more sociable than me, more confident than me, seems smarter than me, more mentally stable than me, stronger than me, has more friends etc... And then there's facebook. It can get pretty bad with my newsfeed. Oh that person travels so much more than me, they already own a house and they're my age, they are so successful in the arts and I'm not, I hate that this person raised way more money than me for a cause, I hate how happy you look, I hate your awesome job and the negative thoughts go on and on. It was really bringing me down. Then I saw someone with stubs for legs on a wheelchair. And I realized how stupid all the negative chatter in my head is. Other people have it way worse and not just way better than me. And I have so much to be thankful for, I have been showered blesssings from the Lord. I know I am not ugly, I have all my limbs and I'm not overweight, I have friends, I am a strong person for getting through the things I've been through, I have good family who support me in many ways including financially, I'm sober and I'm able to do school etc... Now the trick is to get all these good things to sink in somehow so I stop being jealous. I know I have it better than alot of people and yet the lies about how I have it worse than others continue. I guess it's something that takes time to change. I think it has started to at least.

Montreal walks for mental health

Although I always feel like an outsider, I have decided to push myself to get more involved in community and join the Montreal walks for mental health. It's just such a good cause and I figure instead of always bitching about the mental health system sucking so much, I could also do something about it. So yeah it's gonna be a walk around the main downtown area of Montreal on October 20th at 11am and I'm raising donations for it. My goal is 500$ and I'm at 390$ so far! I like my anonymity so you can't donate directly through me but if you still want to help out, you can donate on the main website of the walk at http://mtlmarche.com/en/
I find doing this makes me feel pumped up with positive energy, it helps with my mental health and staying away from self-destructive urges. Yay!