my dear grandpa and the stupid psych ward again

I can't believe it. I ended up in the psych ward for something like the 12th time in the beginning of November. Why? Mostly because my grandfather on my dad's side suddenly passed away. We immediately went to New Brunswick which is where he lived with my grandma and aunt and uncle nearby. I got to have a really good time with a funny cousin of mine and my youngest cousin who really likes me. It was great but I also stole more tranquillizers from both my aunt and grandma. Not a good sign at all. Came home, knew I wasn't well so I tried to hang out with friends more and didn't go to classes. Still tried to participate in the lab. This resulted in a roller-coaster of emotions where I would feel good being with people and then crash later. It was completely exhausting. I fought with my fiance more and even spoke of breaking up. Apologized later knowing it's because my emotions are out of control. Started getting all kinds of urges to hurt and/or kill myself. Finally checked myself in to the nearest hospital. Can't remember the first week of hospitalization. Too many freak outs and ensuing over-medication. They added Prozac to my meds. Ended up strapped to a bed twice. Felt better after a week. Made a new friend. Got into a fight with another who was being annoying and brash anyway. Got discharged after a total of 2 weeks. Thought I could move on right away. Was sorely wrong. Here I am exactly a month later and I'm still not 100%. I haven't cooked a full meal since I got out. Barely shower. Low motivation for many things and low stamina for focus. But they have gotten better over the weeks. Just very slowly. I'm worried it will continue into next semester. Disappointed that I had to drop this semester completely with a medical discontinuation. But still enjoying the holidays. Doctor says I have residual depressive symptoms but is hopeful for school in the new year.

I'm a scholar of the arts and science faculty at my university

Which means I am in the top 1% of the psychology department. Crazy! The awards ceremony was yesterday. I can't believe it. I can't believe how good my marks are. I know my GPA is 4.15 out of 4.3 but I didn't really think about what that number means. And I don't know why it's been working out so well. I just do my best but I don't work excessively hard.

It feels funny to get such an award. All my life I've been told by teachers that I'm disorganized and not a very good student. I would always hand things in late or pull all-nighters and finish at the last possible second. But since I've been back at university for the second time, my organizational and disciplinary skills have drastically improved. Without me trying to make them better. In the past I tried so hard to improve them, I would read books about being organized and colour-code my schedules etc. Nothing worked. I can only say that God's grace has changed me and also years of therapy. I think because my personal issues are/have been worked on, the rest of me has improved too since I am able to access God's love without my issues being in the way.

I am also in shock because, up until pretty recently, I thought I was good for nothing and that nothing would ever get better. Thanks to the incredible stigma around being a drug addict (and mental illnesses in general), I thought my life was over and that I would never amount to anything. Just a useless lump of meat that constantly needs the help of chemicals just to get through the day. I could not picture a day where I would actually accomplish anything positive. And yet it happened. I am so thankful to my guiding power upstairs and family and friends and therapists and doctors. This is an incredible miracle.

Idea of marriage sinking in

I forgot if I mentioned here but I've been engaged for over a year now. Nothing fancy, we just talked about moving in together and decided we might as well get married too. I've now been to two weddings since that day and the last one (it was my baby-sitter's wedding) really brought things home for me. For a while I just saw it as a huge party with a focus on me and my SO (actually more me), having fun thinking about what it will be like, what dress I will wear etc... But seeing my old friend get married made me think a bit deeper. It means I will be with this person, if not the rest of my life then hopefully a very long time till one of us dies. Having BPD makes it hard to conceptualize and stick to commitments so this idea scares me and at the same time is desirable. I'm not very good at visualizing the future and sometimes I worry, will I ever get sick of him? But I've been told by a very wise person that true love is not a feeling, it is a choice. Choosing to commit. That sounds like you have to be a really strong person to truly love and I don't think I am strong at all. But God has been changing me like crazy so hopefully our love will become stronger as we age. Scared as I am, I can't picture myself with anyone else. I guess there isn't that much mystery around choosing your life partner. You just choose when you feel the time is right. And if for some reason it turns out to be a bad choice, I will have learned a lot. Win-win either way.

World Mental Health Day

Wow it's so great to see so much awareness on mental health issues on facebook trending. Our brains are definitely the final frontier of our bodies in terms of scientific understanding so maybe that's why mental health is lagging behind when it comes to health issues in general. Apparently the theme this year is schizophrenia. Seems very apt since my ex and current SO both have schizophrenia and my ex will not stop calling me. I want nothing to do with him though. I know what he's like. And it is not what most people with schizophrenia are like. I'm sure he also has conduct or anti-social personality disorder. He just doesn't give a fuck about anyone else. It's all about what he wants. And I'm not distorting the truth here as an ex. Plus his delusions always include strong impulses to be physically violent. He tried to kill his mom and ended up in a special jail for those with mental health problems. He would stare at my kitchen knives and put his hands around my neck once. Plus he is a serious drug addict. His favourite drugs are marijuana and crack. The voice message he left me recently was almost impossible to decipher, he was talking so fast.
In complete contrast, my SO is super sweet and would never hurt anyone. Even if he becomes ill again and has delusions he would never purposely hurt anyone. When he was unwell, he was mostly concerned with conspiracies and possible poisonous spiders. It was hard to convince him to take meds but they work. Unfortunately there are side-effects and he feels sometimes that he is not quite himself because of them. But I just remind him that if he stops taking them the psychosis will come back. He will be lost in his own world and I will not be able to reach him there. We would be separated. Meds are definitely not ideal but the main benefit is that they can help one remain part of society, able to be with friends and family and live and laugh together. It's a trade-off but relationships are what give meaning to life.

ghost from the past

My psychotically violent ex keeps calling me once in a while even though I never answer any more. I just can't have someone like that in my life in any way, shape or form. He was leaving messages like, I have a girlfriend, I'm sober but I'm bored. Let's hang out. Eventually as I didn't answer, he would mostly hang up or be like, please call me back at this number. As the months passed he would still call me! It's been since February when I last saw him and he just left me yet another message. I could barely make out what he was saying he was talking so fast. He started with just words: crack, single, pissed off. Let's hang out and have a few joints or drinks if you want. Call me at this number... And I couldn't even if I wanted to because he said the numbers so fast, no one can make it out. I've never heard him so high on crack before. I feel bad for him that he relapsed but also scared. Crack is not good for someone who already normally has violent, unpredictable tendencies. I had to call my dad and warn him to keep everything locked just in case he shows up. Luckily he doesn't know where I live but he still knows where my dad lives and I told my dad just to call the cops if he shows up. And then of course I had a dream where I was smoking up. I think I may have to change my number...

the research lab

So I thought I would have a bit of a break before the rats come in in mid-October. I was so wrong. I've been working my butt off training. I went to classes, lab meetings and mostly shadowing and helping another girl with her experiment. Luckily she is very nice and so is the grad student I'm supposed to help. But man, she asks for a lot of help. Sometimes I get worried that it is all too much for me plus my two courses but a church friend prayed for me and I felt better. Yes I am scared but God is great and if He wants me to do this, He will provide all that I need to do it. This can be hard to remember when I'm burned out at the end of the day (like right now) but I must trust Him. If I can't do that, I can't trust anyone at all.

Mental Illness Awareness Week

I've been so busy that I hardly had time to pause. Hence the lack of posts. I haven't been this busy in 10 years. I guess it's another stepping stone up from the complete dysfunction I used to have only a couple years ago. So it's another time for mental health issues awareness. I'll relate what I've been going through on the subject.

This should be an obvious fact for both sufferers and their loved ones that having a mental illness will affect how productive you can be. And yet, it can be so hard to keep in mind. For severe depression you're really not going to get much done at all. For anxiety, stress, personality disorders it will be that sometimes you can't function in certain situations or on certain days. If you have bipolar and are in a manic phase, you'll get a whole ton of stuff done in the blink of an eye sometimes. For ADHD your productivity levels will fluctuate a lot. All this to say, if someone has a mental illness don't compare them with the same measuring stick that you would use for the average person. What am I trying to say? First let me make sure that I don't sound like I am saying that all people with mental illnesses are deficient. Like I said, some can be more productive than the average person and all kinds of varying degrees of productivity are seen in different people. But it sure does throw a wrench into your life plans especially since a lot of mental illnesses come out during early adulthood.

My life plan was to graduate with a fine arts degree and become a full-time working artist. That meant that I would freelance a lot and I knew that. But that takes quite the amount of productive self-discipline which became one of the many things that mental illness stole from me. In fact, I barely was able to graduate since I became very suicidal in my last year of university and instead of being a working artist, I fell into a hellish abyss of dysfunction. I was completely unproductive for quite a few years. You know what made it worse? Expecting the same from myself as I always did, even before I got sick. It drove me crazy to think about how I was not achieving my goals and how I was wasting time while everyone else my age were getting careers started etc...

For a long time I couldn't let go of my original life plan and it didn't help that my dad thought the same thing. We both put extra pressure on me that made my illnesses worse. I saw myself as a failure and hated myself more. But through therapy I began to see that using the same measuring stick I used before is unrealistic. I lowered my expectations with difficulty but it really helped me achieve more than I would have if I didn't. If I was able to get out of bed that day and go grocery shopping, that was a great achievement. If I did the cooking for my dad and brother that day, I learned to be proud of that. If I was able to put off taking drugs until after therapy I was impressed with myself. This sounds kinda sad but it actually gave me a new starting point that I could work with for future growth. With less pressure on me to achieve, I was freer to work on myself and eventually go back to school with a new life plan. And now I'm on track, older than almost everyone in my classes but on track with a plan that has taken me step by step back into functionality and productivity. I'm even better at school now than ever in my life and I know God will keep guiding me into a grace-giving career as a psychologist. It's funny, in my dysfunction, I found my function.

first lab meeting tomorrow

This worries me at the same time as exciting me. It'll be cool to see how a psychological lab works but at the same time I will be meeting the people I will work with for the first time. I am stuck with them, no matter how their attitudes and friendliness levels are. I never feel I fit into a group. I'm so used to being the outsider that I don't talk to anyone at school except for professors. I even have trouble at church sometimes. The only place right now that I feel totally comfortable and accepted is MA. Sigh, time to go out of my comfort zones yet again. But I know this is what God wants so He will make things ok no matter what happens. I am not doing all this for my own glory, only for God's. As I've stated before, I personally would rather check out from life but I live for Him, not myself. And that has led to some amazing things so far that I would not have dreamed of before! I'm sure the miraculous process will continue as I obey!

psychopathology

I thought I would really like this class. It's all about mental illnesses, how they start, how they are treated and defined etc... Right now I'm in the chapter about possible causes and it's driving me up the wall. It is interesting but because I have multiple mental illnesses, I see my life in the book's pages. And it brings up memories of the painful past mixed with eurekas into why I have the problems I have. My prof warned the class that we would see ourselves in the diagnoses and not to freak out because most of us will not have those actual mental health problems. What about when you do? Again, I think I'm just so sensitive that it's triggering my PTSD a bit and encouraging my mind to over-analyse itself. I used to do that a lot when I was depressed but managed to stop it later with God's help. The book is awakening that horrible over-thinking habit and I really don't like that. Along with the not-so-nice comment on facebook, I was feeling shitty.

The last thing I wanted to do was go to a worship night but my friend convinced me to go and it was amazing. Very energetic and catchy. People dancing and jumping up and down kinda thing. Not normally my style but it's nice to experience the energy once in a while. There was also prayer time and that's when I brought all the crap I was thinking about to the Lord. I prayed, "I met you in a vision that was so meaningful and loving and yet I still have some serious problems. Life has gotten so much better in the last couple of years and yet I still get suicidal at the same time every year. What do I do about this? I'm so sick of the psych ward." And I heard His voice in my heart, "You have seen only a tiny fraction of the transformation you are going through. If you need to be in the hospital again next time, that's ok. It will not go on forever." And I was moved to tears. As always, He is right. I am sick of the hospital but I can't rush my inner healing. If I need to go there again, then I simply will go there again. I am going to be transformed beyond my wildest dreams. I will be able to do things I never thought I could do, which is already happening. I won't need the hospital forever. What hope this brings! I'm so used to thinking that bad things last forever and feeling hopeless because of that thinking. Ironically, feeling more at peace about possibly being in the hospital again makes me feel that I won't need to.

Officially gonna volunteer at a research lab!

Yay! I'm going to help a grad student conduct her experiment on rats and alcohol! The rats come in October 21st and before that I have to do some training and go to some lab meetings. Once the experiment starts I will be very busy. Hopefully not too busy. I must come in 3 times a week for about 3 hours each time plus some lab meetings. Oh God please give me the strength and commitment to be a good volunteer! I also pray that the grad student will be nice. You know oh Lord how much I'm afraid of people. Please let us have a pleasant relationship.

On a related note, I am not a fan of animal testing but I accept it as necessary for science. It's not ideal but then there's a lot in this world that is not ideal and I'm not going to single out animal testing as more evil than other things our society allows. At least it's a step up from horrific human testing that has happened in the past. I had a sort of friend attack me on facebook for volunteering at a lab with rats (she's vegetarian and all that). I understand the sentiment but I have my already stated opinion on the matter and I really don't need negativity from someone I don't know that well and who is being overly dogmatic.
And of course it makes my day worse. Just a stupid comment on facebook. I hate how sensitive I am sometimes.

World Suicide Prevention Day

As I think about and read about suicide, I notice there is some animosity between people who have attempted suicide or just empathize with those that have and the surviving family members or those who empathize with them.One side knows the pain of feeling suicidal, the other says there's no excuse for causing that much pain and grief on those around you. I wish this were not so. Do you get angry at someone who is unable to function because they have cancer? Or diabetes? Suicide is usually a symptom of mental illness and the brain is no exception to dysfunction. If someone is dying of cancer, would you expect them to stay alive for the sake of family and friends? Mental illness is complex and so is its relationship with self-will. The very organ you need to consider family and friends and getting help is the one that is not working properly in mental illness. Some people manage to think straight and get help, some don't and there are a lot of factors involved. I hope to research this question in the future. What differentiates someone who survives mental illness from those that don't?

There are already some obvious factors but I would like to understand in greater detail. One of them is stigma. Stigma is something we can all work on. We must not shame or guilt someone who is suicidal or who died by suicide. I know a lot of people end up asking themselves how they didn't see it coming and what they could have done differently to avoid or stop it in a family member or friend. This is a natural reaction but ultimately not very helpful. Would you ask yourself the same questions if someone died of cancer? Sometimes we catch diseases early enough to intervene with professional help, sometimes we can't. Let's not treat suicide as a character defect or something selfish any more but as a symptom of a serious disease that requires professional help.

school and stuff

My outfit troubles ended well and the wedding was very fancy and pretty. And I didn't get drunk! Just pleasantly tipsy. I enjoyed the rest of my summer and now school has started. I decided it was time to volunteer at a research lab at school to get research experience for grad school. I was so nervous I couldn't email any profs for a bit but finally I emailed two who I thought had interesting research and they both wrote back saying they are accepting volunteers! They both work with rats and drugs of addiction. I tried one but it didn't work out. I was about to be part of the lab when I realized he deals with heroin and cocaine in the lab. I figured it would be in liquid form so that wouldn't bother me but I asked and I would have had to deal with them in powder form! That would have been horrible. I'm sure I would eventually cave and steal from him. So I told him I am a recovering drug addict and he kindly said good luck finding another lab to volunteer at. So I talked to the second prof who only deals with alcohol and rats and she still hasn't gotten back to me about if I am accepted or not. Sigh, I hate waiting.

At least I don't have to wait any more for my loans and bursaries! I have money now! Of course, I went on a bit of a spending spree on boots and two dresses. Yeah, that's another addiction but it's better than snorting cocaine everyday. We all have our addictions, at least one. When I was using, I never went shopping, now that I don't have that any more I go shopping sometimes and smoke a couple cigarettes a day. That's not too bad.

and now a stupid bag

I just realized I don't have an appropriate bag for the wedding sigh. I like shopping normally but I'm shopped out. To continue on my last post, my future mother-in-law made me feel better today. I told her how much trouble I went through for the dress and she hugged me and said 'I'm sorry our family is so conservative'. I still have trouble trusting anyone to be a mother figure to me but she is getting close. I guess one of my biggest fears is that the people I like or love will run out of patience with me. So, I'm afraid every time I have trouble that she will lose patience and reject and/or hurt me. But you know, people are allowed to get frustrated so I've got to deal with being so sensitive... Some days it is just plain exhausting to have BPD.

stupid dress

I love weddings. For selfish reasons mostly. To me it's an excuse to dress up, party, dance, eat and drink for a happy occasion. We're going to one this Saturday so I bought a nice black dress weeks ago. Then my future mother-in-law took my fiance shopping and bought him a 500$ suit (it's his cousin's wedding). And I thought 'crap, my dress was 50$. Maybe it's not fancy enough'. I wasn't sure what to do so I figured I'd do what my fiance would do. Ask her. I sent her a photo and asked if it was fancy enough. She said it was fancy enough for sure but too sexy. Both families of the bride and groom are very conservative she said. In my opinion my dress was not too sexy at all but I wanted to accommodate her opinion so I went out and found another dress. I brought it home and realized there was a hole in it. I had to go back to the dress store again and they gave me another dress that was exactly the same. But then later I saw it had two holes! By this time I was drained from shopping and very upset and angry. Why am I going through so much trouble for one person's opinion?? My step-mom said this is life, the older you get the less freedom you have. Great. And the store doesn't do refunds, only exchange. It's my favourite dress store. ARG! I begged my step-mom to come with me the next day to the store to help me find another one since she studied fashion. We managed to find another nice dress that has so far not developed holes. I even dreamed last night that I found holes in it. Now, you may wonder, why all the stress? It's just a dress and this little story has a happy ending. Well I'm stressed because of my relationship with my future mother-in-law. I've been trying to be closer to her, maybe even depend on her more as if she was my own mom. I find her very understanding generally. But she does have a temper sometimes and she's kind of a perfectionist I guess. So part of me really likes her and the other part of me is very scared of her. But I definitely want to have a good relationship with her. And this whole dress thing is messing up everything in my head that has to do with her. I want to let her know that I went through a lot of trouble to obey her wishes but I'm afraid she will be harsh and say something like just deal with it. It's just a dress. My BPD is telling me that of course but I am still afraid. And of course this all goes back to my mom who was very harsh to the point of scarring me but still cared about me and then died. I just don't know how to deal with moms any more if I even ever did. Now I am not sure I should ever trust someone enough to depend on as a mom. I feel it is just too dangerous of an endeavour.

'Genie, you're free' - Rachel Evan Wood

Wow, a lot of people have been writing about mental illness now because of Robin Williams. And I feel I must join the party. Firstly, I'm happy to see so much awareness happening and articles talking about the fact that suicide is not cowardly etc... but I'm also sad that it takes a high profile death from mental illness for there to be more awareness about something so common and powerful. I personally know 4 people who died from mental illness and they are just as worthy to be aware of.
Secondly, I am simply just sad that he killed himself. I've written here before about being in the same mindset yet here I am after 7 suicide attempts, still alive and actually doing pretty well now. I know very well the suffering involved to hurt or try to kill yourself so what is the difference between me and him? What is that factor that kept me alive and let him die? I am certainly not more worthy than anyone else. I am sad that he will no longer light up people's faces except in recordings. I am sad for his family and friends.
Thirdly, I am scared. After being completely sober for 20 years, he went on a bender with alcohol and cocaine, went to rehab recently and then killed himself. As a recovering addict, this scares me A LOT. I have only 2 years of partial sobriety (I still drink on occasion but don't do any street drugs), I am in the middle of step 5 out of 12 from AA, I am nowhere near 20 years of sobriety. Many people, including recovering addicts, wish to think that after a certain amount of clean time you are 'cured'. You don't have to worry any more about relapsing. But clearly this is very false. This man had 20 years of sobriety and yet still relapsed. That reminds me that I have to be constantly vigilant and constantly work on staying mentally healthy and spiritually strong. The consequence of letting my guard down can take my life. What a harsh reality but true of any chronic illness. His death scares me by making me wonder if I will ever feel too comfortable in the future, let my guard down, relapse and then die of overdose or suicide...

PTSD dream (or being haunted by the past)

I had an awful dream last night. I dreamt I woke up in the psych ward with no memory of how I got there. I also remembered that I had an awful dream in the dream where I saw my mom die again or something like that so I was really distressed in my dream. Yeah, that sounds confusing but I hope that's clear enough. Anyway, I started talking to some of the people in the ward and it became clear that I really didn't feel well. A doctor said he was tired and didn't want to deal with me so they injected me with a tranquillizer. But it wasn't working. I was sitting on the floor and rocking back and forth and just feeling awful. I don't know how to describe it. I guess it's kinda like all emotions at maximum exploding inside and all you can do is feel highly anxious from all the energy that can't get out except in rocking and generally behaving crazy. It's one of the worst feelings I have ever had. I've had it in real life and it's just as bad in dream life too. I can't remember the details exactly of what happened next but I know it was not pleasant. I woke up feeling like I was actually hospitalized. I hate that feeling. I guess I've had so many traumatic experiences that they pop up every once in a while in my dreams and haunt me in my present. Does that mean I still haven't processed it all? Especially my experiences in the psych ward? I wish I could be completely free from the past already. But then I guess that would mean I don't have PTSD any more. I think I should read up on how PTSD is generally treated. It seems to be bothering me more than my other mental illnesses...

I had the talk

No no not THE talk, just talking to my future mother-in-law about her cancer. Of course I cried and of course my psychologist was right. She felt very touched that I cared so much and said she would love to do things together. I mentioned I can cook for her when she gets her treatments and that it would be nice to visit my mom since I haven't been in something like 4 years and she said she would love to go with me and we can visit her mom too. My psychologist brought up the interesting idea that I should spend more time with her. I find this interesting because I can do things with her that I wish I could still do with my mom. Like shopping, going out for a meal or enjoying the summer on a terrace, just chatting, actually I can't think of much right now. That's weird. I guess, just living and being together. So, instead of always being sad that I don't have a mom anymore, I should be spending time with the mom I will have. But I guess I am also afraid of spending more time with her. I am afraid that the quote 'familiarity breeds contempt' will come true and we will get sick of each other and hate each other or something. I know this is kind of irrational but it is still a possibility and I really don't want that to happen. Also, I am just not used to having a mom any more. I'm not used to someone telling me what to do and watching out for me and telling me I need to be less lazy etc... I am afraid of all that too. Sigh. Being borderline personality really puts me between a rock and a hard place sometimes. What's with me and sayings today? I rarely ever used them and here they are twice today.

happy bday to me!

I had a crazy bday party that started at a fancy italian resto, then to a fancy lounge with 15$ drinks, then to a club that has 2$ beers and shots. I don't remember how many drinks I had but yeah, it was fun and I got to dance a lot which was awesome. People kind of cycled in and out throughout the night, about 16 people total so that was nice too. I just like hanging out with people on my bday so that really worked out. Then I had a nice dinner at a really good grill place with my dad and step-mom yesterday, then I had dinner with my fiance's parents and his brother baked me a cake today. It was so nice! I really feel loved and that's something I have not felt for most of my life. I am so thankful to the Lord everyday for so many loved ones. It was not always this way and I can see that support really is important for mental health. For so long I felt so alone but not anymore. I pray that everyone can feel this way at least once in their lives.

I am officially the poorest I've ever been

I have 40$ to my name. Eek! I'm so used to living off my dad's money that this is a very new experience for me. I grew up in a middle class suburb and my dad gave me money for whatever I wanted. That may have contributed to me being impulsive but maybe I would have been this way anyway. The point is, I never had to worry about money or even budget for myself. Even when I was using, my dad made it easy for me to spend his money on drugs. I've been living on loans and bursaries since we moved out and they give me a lot less in the summer, I guess because they figure I can work. But I can't. I'm still not well enough for that. So it's been tight. I'll get more money soon but it won't be that much.
Well, at least I know now how it feels to be poor. It's pretty shitty but maybe not as bad as I thought. Still pretty bad. It's quite the stressor. I have to remember that God always provides or else I will go crazy worrying about how we are to afford living.

too many goals again...

So yeah, my psychologist thinks I made too many goals for myself this summer... I think he's right. Just quitting cigs is enough on its own! Geez it's hard! I've changed my goal to just cut down to one and a half cigs a day. I really need to, it makes me shake, shortens my lung capacity for singing etc. I still am cutting down on one of my meds with approval from my psychiatrist so that's going well. As for weight loss, I am just cutting down a bit my portion sizes. I am doing my best not to go to extremes with that one. The last thing I need is an eating disorder and I know I have the risk factors for it. So really, the only thing I'm gonna work hard on is to finish my 4th and 5th steps of the 12 step program for addictions. I guess I should also make an appointment with a dentist but I really don't want to...

cancer...

I have been mentally well these days and I'm so thankful for it, but there is one major thing that I realized is bothering me underneath the daily activities. I went to see my psychologist and I couldn't stop crying over the fact that my future mother-in-law has bladder cancer. She just got surgery for the second time for it. I can't help but be reminded of my own mother's breast cancer and how it just kept coming back again and again until it took her from me. I'm so afraid that it will happen again to an amazing woman who has accepted me with all my problems, even when I was using. She's always so kind and practical and understanding. My psychologist recommended that I do something together with her or do something for her. Maybe we can go visit my mom together sometime or I could cook her dinner. Maybe go shopping together... but I don't know if I can explain to her why I want to do these things. I'm afraid I will start crying and she'd be worried for me. My psychologist says that's not a bad thing, it could bring us closer together but I still don't want that to happen...just thinking about talking to her is making me tear up arg.

S-a again!

So a crazy for sure God inspired thing happened. My friend from church whom I was with when we met S-a actually ran into her when she was out for a run! She didn't show up on Sunday because she lost the paper we wrote the info on. My friend wrote it again for her so hopefully she will show up some Sunday. Awesome Lord!

S-a

I don't know if that's how you spell her name. She just decided to randomly talk to me and a friend from church a couple days ago on a bar terrace and I could tell she was not all there. I just wasn't sure what drug it was from. She found us to be nice enough and started talking about herself, her life in Vancouver, how it fell to pieces, how she wanted a new start on the East Coast and how her family disowned her and she also got brutally raped at some point and now has PTSD from it... She sounded like a very broken person who could not accept herself and could find acceptance nowhere. My friend went out on a limb and mentioned that we go to church and that she would be welcome to come and she brightened up and talked about how she read the Bible and would love to believe. I shared with her a bit, we showed each other our scars from self-harm, told her I used to be an addict and asked if she had a problem with alcohol since she was drinking a can which was not from the bar and felt bad about it. She said yes, she's an alcoholic and tried getting psychiatric help but got nowhere. I told her to get some rest, here's our numbers and the church address and see you Sunday!
I really hope we see her Sunday.
EDIT: figured I shouldn't actually write her real name here.

oops June passed by...

The trip was amazing! We went to themed restos in Japan like Alice in Wonderland which was awesome, did some gothic lolita shopping in a whole mall floor of cool stuff, got to see a temple festival, in Korea we did loads of shopping, saw beautiful palaces, went to incredible restos, pretty bars, cosmetics, buddhist temple etc and saw my mom's side of the family which went quite well. There were only 2 comments about how I gained weight and one surprise visit from my aunt in Toronto who always says negative things about me to my face. Other than that, it was super nice to see my kind aunt who was closest to my mom and my other aunt and her husband who chatted with us a bunch. What was really funny was to see my grandpa test my fiance's tolerance for alcohol with sake because he is basically an alcoholic, even at 94. It was so great to see him, though I fear that may have been the last time I'll see him. He gave us so much money for the trip it was crazy. And he approves of my fiance which is what we came for. I miss him already.

Jetlag was pretty bad when we came back but after a week or so things are back to normal. We've been enjoying Montreal in the summer which I recommend to anyone. So many events and festivals. We went to the jazzfest a couple times, saw the fireworks competition which is still ongoing, hung out with friends on terraces and I got tickets to the best film festival ever, Fantasia.

This summer is also a summer of cutting back on meds, food and cigarettes. I have a schedule for the cigs which will see me smoke-free in a month. I know if I stop right away I'll get intense cravings for cocaine so I have to be careful. I'm also reducing Remeron, an anti-depressant that causes a lot of weight gain. Hopefully I don't need it. I'll see how my mood fares. I'm still on other meds that make me ok. And I just want to have smaller portions of food so that I lose a bit of weight. Nothing crazy or stupid.

I also want to progress in the 12 steps of recovery at MA. I am now on step 4 which is making an intense moral inventory of myself. I have to write down who I resent and why, what/who I fear and why and how that affects me now and then a list of sexual partners who I may have used or have used me. Then I need to list people that I have harmed or used. The point is to see the patterns of thinking and behaviour that are not good for me and to be freed from them by sharing the list with my sponsor and taking action in the other steps based on the list. If I accomplish some of the steps and the above things, I'll consider this a good summer!

off to Korea and Japan!

I feel stressed from the significant days that have passed but also excited about this trip with good friends. It's a weird mix. Which resulted in horrible dreams last night, feeling really emotionally unwell and feeling like I had to go to the hospital and wanting to use drugs in my dream. Ugh. Today's our last day to get ready eek. Of course I also dreamt that I was packing and then forgot stuff. I really hope that doesn't actually happen. Well anyway, the purpose of this trip is for my fiance to meet my grandpa. It really sucks that it's too late to see my grandma. I think it's starting to hit me now that I will never see her again. It's quite a shock. But hopefully we will have some good times. See you again in June!

oh mother's day

every year you come to torment me. everybody on facebook and even at church must go on about how great their moms are. well, i have someone to at least buy a present for, my future mother-in-law. it was great to see how much she liked it. but it isn't enough. i'm still upset and the day is already in the past. it was yesterday. so wtf? honestly, no words describe how i feel. it's a horrible mix of frustration, anger, grief, loss etc. arg, i hate you mother's day.

Semester's over!

Wow, I didn't think I'd make it at one point. But here I am and I just finished my last final yesterday! And I finished it in one and a half hours when it's a three hour exam! I feel pretty confident that I got a good mark. And I got an A in the other course. Amazing considering I missed so much school while in the hospital. But now it's like, what do I do with myself? I have no studying to do! Well actually, I need to get ready and plan for a trip to Korea and Japan which is coming up really soon. I can't wait to experience Asia with good friends without relatives that worry if I'll get lost or not. I don't need to be babied. I just get lost easily but that's not a big deal.

May 4th

It's a wonderful coincidence that the day my mother died is also Star Wars day. I love Star Wars. But alas, it doesn't help much with the grief. It also didn't help that my SO was away for his sister's wedding and it was the day before my last final. I became overcome with grief and cried a lot. Till I got sick of it. Thankfully I did study a lot before that. I just miss her so much. Which is normal. But then there's the slightly abnormal stuff: I feel like I lost the one perfect person in my life who I want to be an exact replica of. I guess the part of me that got brainwashed by my mom when I was little is still there somewhere, still making my mom into some god-like person who always pointed out my faults and how much better she was than me. So I always hated myself and wished I could be just like her, witty, on-the-ball, fast, sociable, classy-looking etc... Everything I was not. So, some part of me misses that too, someone to tell me what to do and how to be. I feel like I lost an essential part of myself when she died.

And now it's been 10 years and I can't believe it. It's been so long but the pain is still fresh. I ran into a girl with a large tattoo that said "time heals nothing" at a St. Patrick's parade once and I told her I agree. Still agree. I don't know if that's because, as my doctor put it, I have pathological grief or what. At least I don't hate her anymore for what she did to me when I was little. I know she was unwell herself. I just wish so much that she could be here with me, watch me grow up into an adult, see my new place, meet my fiance, give her opinion on my life choices, come to my eventual wedding, be proud that I am no longer an active addict, laugh and cry with me. But instead here I am crying by myself.

It was hard doing my final this morning. I had puffy eyes which I think scared my professor when she came to check in on me. She was like "do you have any questions?" and already started stepping away when I looked up and she saw my face. But I think I did well anyway. Although I am in pain, I can take comfort that my mom is with the Lord now, Jesus personally came to me and told me so in that dream I wrote about a while ago. I truly appreciate that Lord.

oh all I had to do was pray

It took nearly three weeks of using dreams for me to think, wait, I should pray for peace for my dreams. DUH. As soon as I asked the Lord to bless my dreams the drug imagery stopped. It's been 2 nights now without any drug using or chasing in my dreams. Hallelujah! I also promised myself that I would read over/meditate on Hebrews 13:5-6 everyday. Of course I have broken this promise but I am still trying to think of it as often as I can. It goes like this:

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with all that you have, because the Lord has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

I find the first part really relevant to how I feel I look. I get covetous so easily when I see a woman prettier than me. I'm also very bothered by the fact that I just keep gaining weight, probably because of psychiatric meds. I'm trying to cut down on calories but I don't want that to take over my life and I'm sick of never feeling pretty enough. I want to be content with the way God made me look. But it's so hard to do. Especially as a Korean woman who has to look perfect and skinny all the time. The stuff that God says in the passage is relevant to me staying sane in the face of my PTSD. Next February I DO NOT want to be in the hospital AGAIN. Some deep part of me needs to accept that God is always with me, will never reject me and is my helper. If I truly feel these truths then logically I shouldn't have another meltdown. I hope.

what the heck is going on inside my head

Sometimes it is a mystery what is going on inside my head. It's been like 3 weeks of using dreams every single night. I prayed about it and last night was the first night in a while that I didn't have a using dream. Instead it was a nightmare where I had to kill people or be killed. I am concerned, because it must be a sign that things are not all that well up there. I also have been yelling at my SO a few times which I usually never do. I also seem more sensitive than usual. If something upsets my plans, I get more upset than normal. I thought it must be stress from school but now that I think about it, my dreams and reactions to life right now was not like this when I was at my most stressed just before being in the hospital. So what the heck? Why do I feel more on edge and tempted to get high? Yes, school must be a part of it but I don't think it explains everything. Maybe it's because I found out a while ago that my grandmother in Korea passed away. But I was never that close to her and she died peacefully at an old age. Perhaps I feel connected to her still because she was the only one with me when we saw my mom pass away. Which leads me to the question, am I also feeling stressed because May is coming up (the month that my mom died)? Last year, I organized a trip to Mt.Tremblant with friends and I was ok. No urges to hurt myself. So, I shouldn't be that upset this year no? It better not get worse. I have school work to do and my last final is on May 5th, the day after my mom died. Sigh.

school school school

I hate how life throws things at you all at once. Soon after getting out of the hospital, I caught a cold, had tons of school to catch up on and then my roommate says she got bedbugs. It was chaos here for a bit. I missed more school, our apartment got turned upside down because of the bedbugs and getting an exterminator to come and I'm still catching up in school. For a while I just wanted to give up and lie in bed forever. But that's all passed now mostly. I think we are bedbug free now, I've just been studying a lot. We got to hang out with friends for a bit too which was nice. I got to see my friend who just got out of the hospital for anorexia and she looks so much healthier which was really nice to see. Another friend celebrated officially becoming a woman after surgery and that was fun too. We went to a gay club and man it gets crazy in there. I almost feel too old to be in a place like that. Most of the people must've been high too. Now I have a midterm to do in a week, then a research paper and then a final exam. Then I'll be done this crazy semester! It's been so hard to catch up, I have hard courses this semester. I made sure next year I won't have it as bad in terms of courses but you never really know.
I guess the end of semester stress is getting to me though, I've had countless using dreams over the last two weeks and it's starting to drive me nuts. I haven't been able to go to church, small group or MA for a long time so maybe that's why. We're gonna go to the MA meeting this saturday for sure. I'm getting too tempted by my dreams. They mostly involve cocaine and marijuana. I have to keep telling myself that giving in and taking them will not help my situation at all and will only make it a lot worse. But there's that part of my brain that just doesn't seem to understand that, even after almost 2 years of abstinence. I can't believe how difficult addiction can be!

prayer from the ward

Hello God,
Thank you for keeping me safe. And giving me the motivation to read Your Word today. I pray I never forget about You completely, never turn away. Thank you for a High Priest that knows and has experienced the level of temptation I go through with my self-destructive desires. And thank You so much for an amazing group of fellow Christians at church who have officially made me feel a lot less lonely than I ever felt. I am so grateful. And thank You for an ever-loving SO who comes to visit everyday, I almost feel like I don't appreciate him enough. I guess I'm so used to him being around. May I not under-appreciate him Lord. I am also grateful for my family and my SO's family. They are so warm, especially my SO's mom. Wow. I have a lot of problems but also so much to be thankful for. I guess that equals a rich life.

More thoughts from psych ward

I had another dream with my mom. I bought a coffee for myself at a Tim's and she yelled at me for doing that. Something about wasting money which makes no sense and I was mad at her back. She wouldn't let it go. Hopefully I'll get to smoke soon. I got my clothes back and took a shower. Odd graffiti in the bathroom: Dr. ----- + me = 187. I changed rooms last night. My crazy roommate stole my last cookie. Caught her in the act. So mad she went through my stuff. Yelled at her. Read an article in the newspaper that made me cry. About a woman who got cancer and how her daughter reacted. I'm scared I could get cancer and leave young children behind too. The sitter thing will end today probably too. Trying to get a pass for Friday which is my music night to commemorate my mom. But I might not be ready. Sigh, such conflicting desires. But I feel ok so far. I'm still fragile but much better. I don't have urges to hurt myself. Just passing thoughts. Like running into traffic or overdosing on meds.

New tattoo!

I got it done by the best tattoo artist in Montreal. She was really nice. These are my mom's favorite flowers and mine.

Stories from the ward

Here are some of my thoughts while locked up in the mental hospital:
Feb.17th 14'
Yesterday was the first day I started to feel better. Before that, I was overwhelmed by destructive thoughts and acting on them. Mostly punching myself and running into walls. I also tried to cut my throat. I ended up completely tied down to a bed twice. I also have a custodian that follows me around everywhere and watches me constantly, even when sleeping. I have no privileges to go outside. One of my custodians was a really nice Cambodian girl, very pretty and strong and we became good friends. I want to find her on facebook.

Yesterday about 20 people from church visited me and brought me the same flowers as in my new tattoo and it was wonderful. They prayed for me and talked about the music night for my mom's bday and I felt so loved. I honestly don't feel as alone anymore. They were all so thoughtful. Then my fiance's parents came to visit and that was really nice too. His mom brought me a giant chocolate cookie heart that she always makes for Valentine's Day. Plus I have the cookies his brother made me. No wonder I'm gaining weight. Oh yeah, and then I taught origami in the evening which was fun too.

I had nightmares last night. I bought mounds of cocaine from a friend in MA which turned into crack. I was at a bar where a huge fight with flying glass happened, the guy who reminds me of Chris Tucker (he got discharged a while ago) was yelling and being threatening at Daddy's house and there was lots of kittens then I was shoe shopping with an old friend who turned into my roommate and there were awesome boots but there were only her size and not mine. So weird and disturbing. And I was trying to get a radio to work while my mom watched. What a dream. So I had a rough morning but I just asked for extra meds, tried sleeping, failed, had my nails done by a friend in the ward, chatted, did some drawing and finally it's almost 5. I got to talk to the doctor and she gave me cigarette privileges and my clothes finally tomorrow. The artsy orderly told me I should draw Harry Potter or Circuit of Heaven.

I'm back and free!

Oh what a relief and yet a shock to be back home, away from the crazy ward. Just got discharged today. Doing much better than before when I got to the ward. It was so bad that I was put on 24/7 suicide watch with a custodian following me around everywhere for a week and occasionally having to hold me down or have me fully restrained to a bed because I wouldn't stop hurting myself. And now I'm on more meds too. Oh well, the important thing is that I got through it all in one piece and had a nice doctor who took me seriously and let me take my time to get better. I still feel a bit fragile but it's much better than before. I'll post some stories from my stay when I have the time. Thank you Lord I'm safe now!

to the hospital

that's it. i'm done. this is my last ditch effort to take care of myself instead of self-destructing and then going to the hospital. i'm pre-emptively going to the hospital before i do something to myself. i really hope i am taken seriously unlike in the past. i am so drained and depressed that i can't do anything productive. even typing is hard. i really don't want to go but it doesn't look like i have much choice. please pray that i would be treated fairly and gently. i'm so fragile right now. all my thoughts are so destructive...

ok I have right to complain now

It's still not as bad as when I wasn't clean but wow the same old patterns of thought keep attacking me and honestly I've run out of energy to fight them. So guess what. I give up. I give up trying to fight them. Anything I do from now on until this hellish period is over is just God's strength in me. That's all. I'm not wasting my own paltry energy in a losing battle. Maybe this attitude will change things paradoxically for the better but I'm not sure. Whatever happens for sure though, I always cherish my faith in Jesus. I've been through so much, Jesus has carried me so many times through the desert that I will never lose faith in Him no matter what.

down

I don't feel like doing anything. Bad destructive thoughts keep going through my head. I really miss being high on  magic mushrooms. I want to grow them again. ARG. I played some praise music and read a bit of the Bible and that helped a bit but not as much as I thought it would. That's not a good sign. So I plan to have a music night with friends on my mom's bday. I hope that helps. That means I have to keep it together beforehand. Well, all I can do is my best...

Why do I even complain? just look at my older posts before last July

Geez was I ever suffering and in a bad place before I got clean! I just looked at some of my older posts, especially around the time I went to the hospital and then directly to rehab. I was doing so horribly that total strangers online were offering to help! And of course I was too paranoid to accept any. Wow, so dramatic! I guess that makes it more interesting to read and funny in parts. You know, being high while doing or getting ready for anything including therapy. Lol. What's not so funny is remembering how I smoked up in a church bathroom and left the window open in the middle of a Canadian winter so the smell would dissipate. Woah, just writing about it I can smell the weed now. And doing lines in a church bathroom and seeing it as totally normal. I totally disrespected God and brought my own idol to His house. I could understand if I was not even Christian (it would just be rude to the congregation) but I was and am. I am truly sorry Lord. These days, being stressed out from PTSD, I sometimes miss the occasional toke, or shroom or line but yes I must remember how horrible it got. I never want to go there again. I know I will have hard days but nothing like that as long as I stay away from street drugs. And yet there is that stupid struggle in my head... I can't believe how strong addiction can be!

at least school is good

I got 95% on my first exam in Fundamentals of Behavioural Neurobiology! Top of the class! Also, my group for the other class is a nice group of people. I'm not sure they are as serious as me though. I've had to edit some of their work so far but it wasn't much work for me to do so it's ok. We are using my idea of studying breath awareness and it's effect on memory. Should be interesting.

Suicide prevention week

So it's suicide prevention week here in Quebec and boy do we need it. Apparently 3 people die of suicide everyday here. That's just crazy. I hope this number is wrong. I've heard it's worse here than in the rest of Canada but I wonder why. I know that the Native population are really struggling with suicides so I guess that's one factor. I'm sure their high addiction rates don't help. What a sad story. They were grossly mistreated by whites in the past century and now their children and children's children are paying for it. To a much lesser extent I can understand that. My grandmother has a very strong personality that demands perfection and is not very motherly so my mom suffered as a child. She inherited some of those qualities too and made me suffer as a child as well. She didn't know how to be a mom and hated it. I guess that's what it means when the Old Testament talks of generations being punished for the sins of the ancestors and also being blessed for generations for faith. Good and bad things always get passed down.
Anyways, I've been rather up and down myself. The old compulsive let's just hurt and/or kill ourselves thoughts have been resurfacing. But I've been ok. They're not so strong that I can't reason myself out of them. But I have been getting a lot of irritating dreams. By themselves they're no big deal but after awhile of having them, I get dragged down. I woke up depressed so I couldn't go to school. I really tried but I just couldn't get out the door. I woke up believing that my dad is dead and my mom is alive. Ugh, just thinking about it stresses me out. That's all I'm saying for now.

and the ups and downs have started

I'm leery of group projects but I am very interested in research methods and how to carry out scientific studies. So I'm mostly excited. Also, my fundamentals of behavioural neurobiology class looks really interesting too. Both classes are a lot of work but so interesting at the same time. Hopefully I won't fall behind. School is so much better two courses at a time. I've had a good weekend doing some DDR at my dad's place for exercise, cooking and marinating korean bulgogi perfectly last night and enjoying a deluxe bison burger with my fiance at one of our favorite pubs and having Bible study on Thursday with nice people I can be open with. What has been not so nice are my freaking dreams. I am getting annoyed by them. First I dreamt that I was with my mom and I hugged her but too tight so she told me to stop. Then I had 5 dreams in a row in one night about getting and using mounds of cocaine. I couldn't function the rest of the day. Then last night I dreamt that me and my fiance were trying to buy speed and ecstasy in Korea (which I'm pretty sure would be nearly impossible) and for some reason it's supposed to be cheaper there and that's why we tried. And all night was about trying to score pills and buying a cell phone. What bothered me most was the mentality I had in my dream that just having pills is ok and won't ruin my life like other drugs did. I woke up wondering if that was true for a bit until logic kicked in and said NO. But now I have to keep telling my stupid brain that NO, it's not ok to have any drugs other than alcohol once in a while. It's tiring. It's like there's a kid inside my head that just doesn't take no for an answer very easily and they're throwing a tantrum: "I want my drugs NOW!!". I hope I'll be able to study with all that going on... Hmm, that would make a funny drawing...

semester started

So school has started again this week and I realized why I made myself a bit of a crazy schedule. My profs seem amazing. At least so far. I'm pretty excited about it. But also wary. You know how it is with me and February/May. My PTSD gets so triggered at these times so I decided to tell my profs right away that I might run into trouble and that I'm registered with the disabilities office. They were both incredibly understanding. Which was very reassuring. I was worried about telling them but they both appreciated it. But just the act of mentioning it in vague terms has made me more emotionally unstable, I feel drained and almost cried when out of curiosity one of them asked me for more details. I only said my PTSD gets triggered at those times and if I said anything more I think I would have fallen apart right in front of his eyes. I can only see that in retrospect though. I only seem to realize after the fact that I am emotionally affected. Oh well, I will just do my best, that's all I can do. Still, I feel very nervous about the group project we will have to do in research methods. I hate group projects. So many things can go wrong.

The hilarity and serious value of Christian metal bands

I figured I should listen to more metal that I haven't heard before so I've been going through youtube and wiki lists of Christian metal bands and while watching some videos, I realized, the whole idea of a Christian metal band is quite hilarious in one sense, and important on the other. Hilarious because metal in itself is so over the top, with its darkness and brutal sound and cookie monster vocals, it just becomes funny. I really hope no metal band takes itself too seriously. Personally, all the theatrics of it all makes metal for fun though of course you can have more serious messages if you want but there will always be a funny element to it all. That's part of why I like metal and dressing goth and such. It's nice to poke fun at yourself sometimes, knowing you have a dark part in your heart but also making fun of the melodramatic-ness of it. Mix all that with the seriousness of being Christian and you get a really ironic I don't know what to call it. I think it's a good mix though because a lot of Christians need to lighten up a bit. Which also leads me to the value of Christian metal. Some Christians still think rock is the child of the devil and that kind of logic condemns art in general. Nearly anything can be used for God's glory and/or for Satan's desires. Music is one of these things. Just because it looks and sounds dark doesn't mean it's evil duh. Same thing for people in general. Christian metal is a great outlet for metalheads like me who get sick of hearing about raping saints in the music we happen to enjoy stylistically (see Dimmu Borgir) and it can get us to laugh and vent our emotions in a positive way and it can carry the Good News to those who would've never heard it otherwise. I am quite sure that Jesus appreciates Christian metal!

Haha! A picture of unblack metal band Frost Like Ashes just for amusement. Their music is not too bad either.