It took nearly three weeks of using dreams for me to think, wait, I should pray for peace for my dreams. DUH. As soon as I asked the Lord to bless my dreams the drug imagery stopped. It's been 2 nights now without any drug using or chasing in my dreams. Hallelujah! I also promised myself that I would read over/meditate on Hebrews 13:5-6 everyday. Of course I have broken this promise but I am still trying to think of it as often as I can. It goes like this:
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with all that you have, because the Lord has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
I find the first part really relevant to how I feel I look. I get covetous so easily when I see a woman prettier than me. I'm also very bothered by the fact that I just keep gaining weight, probably because of psychiatric meds. I'm trying to cut down on calories but I don't want that to take over my life and I'm sick of never feeling pretty enough. I want to be content with the way God made me look. But it's so hard to do. Especially as a Korean woman who has to look perfect and skinny all the time. The stuff that God says in the passage is relevant to me staying sane in the face of my PTSD. Next February I DO NOT want to be in the hospital AGAIN. Some deep part of me needs to accept that God is always with me, will never reject me and is my helper. If I truly feel these truths then logically I shouldn't have another meltdown. I hope.
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