oh all I had to do was pray

It took nearly three weeks of using dreams for me to think, wait, I should pray for peace for my dreams. DUH. As soon as I asked the Lord to bless my dreams the drug imagery stopped. It's been 2 nights now without any drug using or chasing in my dreams. Hallelujah! I also promised myself that I would read over/meditate on Hebrews 13:5-6 everyday. Of course I have broken this promise but I am still trying to think of it as often as I can. It goes like this:

Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with all that you have, because the Lord has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"

I find the first part really relevant to how I feel I look. I get covetous so easily when I see a woman prettier than me. I'm also very bothered by the fact that I just keep gaining weight, probably because of psychiatric meds. I'm trying to cut down on calories but I don't want that to take over my life and I'm sick of never feeling pretty enough. I want to be content with the way God made me look. But it's so hard to do. Especially as a Korean woman who has to look perfect and skinny all the time. The stuff that God says in the passage is relevant to me staying sane in the face of my PTSD. Next February I DO NOT want to be in the hospital AGAIN. Some deep part of me needs to accept that God is always with me, will never reject me and is my helper. If I truly feel these truths then logically I shouldn't have another meltdown. I hope.

what the heck is going on inside my head

Sometimes it is a mystery what is going on inside my head. It's been like 3 weeks of using dreams every single night. I prayed about it and last night was the first night in a while that I didn't have a using dream. Instead it was a nightmare where I had to kill people or be killed. I am concerned, because it must be a sign that things are not all that well up there. I also have been yelling at my SO a few times which I usually never do. I also seem more sensitive than usual. If something upsets my plans, I get more upset than normal. I thought it must be stress from school but now that I think about it, my dreams and reactions to life right now was not like this when I was at my most stressed just before being in the hospital. So what the heck? Why do I feel more on edge and tempted to get high? Yes, school must be a part of it but I don't think it explains everything. Maybe it's because I found out a while ago that my grandmother in Korea passed away. But I was never that close to her and she died peacefully at an old age. Perhaps I feel connected to her still because she was the only one with me when we saw my mom pass away. Which leads me to the question, am I also feeling stressed because May is coming up (the month that my mom died)? Last year, I organized a trip to Mt.Tremblant with friends and I was ok. No urges to hurt myself. So, I shouldn't be that upset this year no? It better not get worse. I have school work to do and my last final is on May 5th, the day after my mom died. Sigh.

school school school

I hate how life throws things at you all at once. Soon after getting out of the hospital, I caught a cold, had tons of school to catch up on and then my roommate says she got bedbugs. It was chaos here for a bit. I missed more school, our apartment got turned upside down because of the bedbugs and getting an exterminator to come and I'm still catching up in school. For a while I just wanted to give up and lie in bed forever. But that's all passed now mostly. I think we are bedbug free now, I've just been studying a lot. We got to hang out with friends for a bit too which was nice. I got to see my friend who just got out of the hospital for anorexia and she looks so much healthier which was really nice to see. Another friend celebrated officially becoming a woman after surgery and that was fun too. We went to a gay club and man it gets crazy in there. I almost feel too old to be in a place like that. Most of the people must've been high too. Now I have a midterm to do in a week, then a research paper and then a final exam. Then I'll be done this crazy semester! It's been so hard to catch up, I have hard courses this semester. I made sure next year I won't have it as bad in terms of courses but you never really know.
I guess the end of semester stress is getting to me though, I've had countless using dreams over the last two weeks and it's starting to drive me nuts. I haven't been able to go to church, small group or MA for a long time so maybe that's why. We're gonna go to the MA meeting this saturday for sure. I'm getting too tempted by my dreams. They mostly involve cocaine and marijuana. I have to keep telling myself that giving in and taking them will not help my situation at all and will only make it a lot worse. But there's that part of my brain that just doesn't seem to understand that, even after almost 2 years of abstinence. I can't believe how difficult addiction can be!