As I Die is the latest tab I'll work on

As I Die will be tabbed by me starting when I get back from New Brunswick! Yes, that song must be tabbed soon!

holidays

I loooove Christmas lights so I'm really enjoying them in my postcard worthy suburban neighborhood. A cousin from Korea was enchanted by them one year and described my neighborhood as a perfect set from Hollywood. Yeah I still live in my childhood neighborhood at 25. But it's because I've only had 2 years to deal with big trauma in my life. I know I'll be a productive individual on my own someday soonish with the help of God and therapy. I know God has plans for me. I have enough belief that I'm less suicidal now. I just get overwhelmed sometimes instead of being constantly clinically depressed. I think I'm done all my Christmas shopping now. It felt like alot even though I shopped for only 3 people. I got my lovable nut a sweater and an edition of popular mechanics. His next project is to build a satellite. I hope it's not all just crazy mumbo-jumbo but I'm not sure... I got my dad lots of clothing since he hates to shop and without my mom his wardrobe is getting really worn out. Poor stressed out dad who has to support us still... And I got bath stuff for our family friend who cooks for us and whom I consider like a second mother. I hope my dad is warming up to her more, I wish they would get together. Oh crap I forgot a card for her, I knew I forgot something...
Anyways it looks like I'll be having a good time, with my nutcase's family tomorrow for a family dinner and then the next day it will be my dad's b-day and Christmas at a family friends' place. Yay weight gain!
Oh by the way, some good news is that my ever-watchful and sympathetic and patient and Godly brother says good on me for holding back and not consuming too much though it is everyday... We'll be going to New Brunswick for a few days so I can get more sober then and really cut down for real as we visit family.

falling?

I'm spending more and more time being buzzed. Finding it hard to keep doing things like pray and volunteer and paint or play music... these are bad signs I guess. But I'm getting worn out and finding it harder and harder to stop myself from falling into the same damned trap again. Help me God help me. I'm trying but it's not enough, why is it never enough...

special person

Ok so this is why I haven't been writing as much recently, I've met someone I call my lovable nutcase. We have so much fun together and he's extremely intelligent, a computer whiz, an amazing drummer, an incredibly sweet person, so honest, has stunning long wavy hair, good looks, passionate and suffers from schizophrenia. We've both fallen hard and fast but at the same time we haven't been exactly good for each other it seems. I thought, ah I finally found someone to lose myself with but lost we did get. He's now in the midst of a psychotic episode at the Douglas mental hospital and I've started smoking everyday and finding it hard to cut back. I don't know what will happen. For now I just visit him almost everyday, sometimes chat with his family who also come to visit. He has such elaborate stories in his head that he just can't discount as too crazy to be real. It's like his far-reaching intelligence and imagination are in overdrive and the ability to tell dreams from reality is malfunctioning. He believes he's caught up in conspiracies with the CIA and that people are out to get him and have stolen some of his organs and that he has other selves who can time travel etc... He's definitely out there. He was with me when he got suddenly worse, and when he insisted I should leave while he tried to catch a 'poisonous spider' he started crying when I was about to leave. I said, "why are you crying?" and he said "Because this is probably the last time we'll ever see each other since I'm gonna die. Whatever happens it's important that you know that I think you're an amazing person and I'll always remember the good times we had." My reaction (in my head) "AWWWWWwwww!" Wow he really thinks he's gonna die and I'm that important to him?? So this is the story that prompted my brother to say I have a lovable nutcase. Now he's safely at the hospital but he still worries that he will die soon. Hopefully the new meds will help.

alone in the evening

I tried to avoid it by making plans with people but they didn't work out so here I am completely alone for several hours this evening and it sucks. I sang and played music which was good, then I tried to paint but felt too anxious so that wasn't so good. Evenings alone are really hard for me. I prayed to God for comfort and guidance and took a short nap, meditating on His love at the same time. All these things helped a bit but I still feel full of fear and worry that I'm not living properly, that I might be getting worse and that all my positive efforts are doomed to fail. Am I taking care of everything that I'm supposed to take care of? Am I forgetting something? Meanwhile, the person who usually calls me everyday and prays for me has suddenly stopped and I don't know why. I haven't seen L in forever so I don't know how she's doing either and my hope in spiritual healing has been deeply shaken because the pastor I trust for it has recently found out she has thyroid cancer. Of course this triggers emotions in me relating to my mom's lethal cancer and so I just want to avoid her so how can I be healed through her? Also, I've been smoking up more and more but I will throw myself back in rehab if I start waking and baking. Also, I've been spending alot of time with a special person who makes me forget to eat and take my meds regularly which has affected me too. I guess the problem is I am too full of too many concerns. Lord take them away from me, help me to trust You more and more with everything. And don't let me just run away to a pleasurable bliss from my concerns either. I don't want to live my life just running away all the time. Well of course part of me does but I know that would just be such a tragic waste. I just hope I'm not falling into depression again or something like that.

new therapy group

Exactly when I finished the 3 month DBT program at the Royal Vic my old psychologist has started a stabilization therapy group which is mostly about goals for people with BPD. He thought I should be in it so I went to the first one this morning. It was ok I guess. You could tell who was managing better and who wasn't. The one guy in the group seems to be doing the worst. He's suicidal, in the psych ward currently and hears things when his anxiety is too high. But he's in group and talking about himself freely so that's a good sign. There's one or two who are polite but don't seem as open with themselves. They will probably not get much from the group unless they open up more. I feel like a veteran of group therapy now. I did alot in rehab, some more out-patient drug treatment groups, the DBT and now this one. Well the great thing is that they really do help. They don't solve everything but they give you help, support and tools to deal with life. Seeing as I didn't get much of that when I grew up, I want and need it to learn how to live without driving myself crazy.
But I guess talking in group opened up the deeper parts of my heart because when I got home I took a nap and had an intense dream. I dreamed someone had lost someone close to them, like a parent or other family member and decided to do something in their memory. I can't remember what it was they did to commemorate the person but I do remember feeling guilty and saying, "I wish I did something so nice for my mom's memory." In real life I have felt this way and thought of walking in her memory at one of those cancer walks or something but could never bring myself to do it. And my dream demonstrated why this is so because as soon as I started thinking of her memory I felt a sudden and huge rage. My mind was seeing me at a tombstone for her, swearing at it and full of bitter anger and outrage. When I woke up I was surprised there was so much anger in me and wonder if it's real and been bottled up forever, only seeping out now.