alone in the evening

I tried to avoid it by making plans with people but they didn't work out so here I am completely alone for several hours this evening and it sucks. I sang and played music which was good, then I tried to paint but felt too anxious so that wasn't so good. Evenings alone are really hard for me. I prayed to God for comfort and guidance and took a short nap, meditating on His love at the same time. All these things helped a bit but I still feel full of fear and worry that I'm not living properly, that I might be getting worse and that all my positive efforts are doomed to fail. Am I taking care of everything that I'm supposed to take care of? Am I forgetting something? Meanwhile, the person who usually calls me everyday and prays for me has suddenly stopped and I don't know why. I haven't seen L in forever so I don't know how she's doing either and my hope in spiritual healing has been deeply shaken because the pastor I trust for it has recently found out she has thyroid cancer. Of course this triggers emotions in me relating to my mom's lethal cancer and so I just want to avoid her so how can I be healed through her? Also, I've been smoking up more and more but I will throw myself back in rehab if I start waking and baking. Also, I've been spending alot of time with a special person who makes me forget to eat and take my meds regularly which has affected me too. I guess the problem is I am too full of too many concerns. Lord take them away from me, help me to trust You more and more with everything. And don't let me just run away to a pleasurable bliss from my concerns either. I don't want to live my life just running away all the time. Well of course part of me does but I know that would just be such a tragic waste. I just hope I'm not falling into depression again or something like that.