Merry Christmas everyone!

And happy holidays! We barely got our outdoor lights and Christmas tree up in time as usual. The holidays have been mostly good to me. We threw a surprise birthday party for the close family friend who I like to consider a second mom. She was sooo happy and said it felt like she was in a dream. Success! It feels so good to make other people happy. It was also a friend's birthday party at a bar and she loved the present from me. Success again! But, me and my bf overdrank and had to wait hours at my car to sober up to drive. Got home at 5am yikes. I really have to be careful about this drinking thing. It seems the more people are around me, the more I feel like drinking. A friend says maybe it's social anxiety but I was surrounded by good friends that I'm not anxious around. I think it's whether there's a party atmosphere or not. It's like a trigger to have more and get drunk as a result. I'm going to my bf's family Christmas party and there will be 50 people there so I'm gonna do my best to be careful. I'm definitely gonna be anxious being around that many people I barely know. Another thing that added to my holiday cheer is that I got an A+ in biology!
And of course, the most important thing that has given me inner joy is God incarnated on earth to save me from myself. This Christmas I'm more thankful than ever before and I get tears of joy thinking about how Jesus used everything I went through to set me free from addiction. Free from the worst slavery I thought was possible for me. I really feel like a prisoner finally set free. I could fall into the same trap again but I really hope not. I've been in hospitals now enough to last a lifetime.

deeper into the Relationship

Today I finally took time apart to spend with God in prayer and listening to Him in meditation and it was soo good as usual. I haven't been doing this in a while and I'm not sure why except maybe simple forgetfulness and laziness. I still felt close to Him but I wasn't putting in the time to properly be with Him with no distractions. I was able to pray a little bit at a time all throughout the day, mainly being thankful but that was it. It's still important to stay connected to God throughout the day but you need both constant awareness of Him and time set apart with Him alone. And after years of avoiding reading the Bible by myself, I find I am seeing the Word with new eyes. I avoided it so much because in my dark times and the shitty mindset I was in, I could read nothing but condemnation in the Bible. Any time I opened it up, all I saw was God's intolerant holiness, I could see no love and only felt more discouraged and down on myself afterwards. Now I see so much more, especially God's providence and incredible love. Yes He is perfection and holy, untouchable. Yet He stoops down to love us and care for us in our daily lives and in every moment we exist. This huge contrast still blows my mind and it's hard to picture someone who is both perfectly holy and loving but I trust God's nature now. He created me for a reason and I live for Him now. If I could have my way and He didn't care about anybody or didn't exist, I would gladly take my life. I'm too sensitive for this harsh world but apparently He'll use that too for His glory one day. Certainly being sensitive will help me to help others in the future.

recovering

I am so thankful first to God and then to myself. I'm so thankful that I can now wake up every morning and feel ok, that the day will be ok and that God will give me the energy to get through it. People take this for granted and go on autopilot. But after so many years of feeling like shit every morning, feeling as if every day might be my last because I can't take life anymore, I am so thankful that things are far more normal and even enjoyable now. I'm almost done my first semester in school since my crazy crisis, and I've been getting good marks and finding my classes very interesting. There were certainly some bumps in the road but I think the desert part of my journey is ending and I'm so thankful for that. I'm even thankful for the desert times, because they have made me what I am today. I know myself so much better now, and have become so much wiser about human nature and as a result I am closer to God than I ever have been before. It's the start of what I always wanted. To be fully dependent on God and His unconditional love for me which is the foundation of being an agent of miracles in a down-trodden world. And boy do I know what it's like to be down-trodden. Everyday is a miracle when I don't use drugs and I don't hurt myself, which is every day recently. With the right meds, techniques learned from therapy and God's providence, I am ok. Which is amazing considering how I was just a few months ago. Getting clean was the hardest thing I ever had to do but wow what a difference it makes. My BPD is much less severe and I am mostly functional again. I am now doing my best to take care of myself everyday and with God keeping me safe too, I can do what I have to do: go to class, do homework, keep up hygiene etc... and I'll never take that for granted. Any time I get a craving all I have to do is remember ending up in the hospital all the time, getting strapped down like in the movies, being on suicide watch, getting occasionally mistreated by professionals and suffering through the days. I never want to go back there again. The only bad thing I do now is smoke the occasional cigarette and I'll eventually cut that out too when I'm ready. I'm a walking miracle and I hope to help others eventually get on the right path too. I'm not sure I can write about what happened the most recent time I spent in the psychiatric ward and rehab yet but this is where I'm at today and I couldn't be more thankful.

Legalizing pot

Here's another letter I sent to my local newpaper since I know they probably won't publish it. It's important info for anyone weighing the pros and cons of pot.

Colorado and Washington state voted to legalize pot. Clearly it helps for some conditions causing nausea and reduced appetite and more but there is a dark side as well. It has been proven to cause anxiety, depression and psychosis in those predisposed. Also, there are no long-term effects on memory or learning in adult users but there definitely are negative effects on all these things for those who smoke heavily in their teens. I would also like to point out that marijuana today is very different from what it used to be for baby-boomers; growers have increased the psychoactive effects of marijuana to the point that it is much more potent than it used to be. It is not simply a harmless herb anymore. On principle I think if alcohol is legal, then marijuana should be too. It is still less dangerous than alcohol overall. But as a marijuana addict who had to go through hospitals and rehab to stop smoking up constantly and ruining my life, I'm worried about the negative consequences. Marijuana will become as ubiquitous as alcohol and that will definitely help create more addicts. Even now in Montreal where pot is already quite ubiquitous, I meet more and more people who have a problem with pot and it is interfering with their lives. Even my psychiatrist says she is seeing the same thing in her patients more and more. If any place makes it legal, they should ban it from anyone under 18 and increase spending on addiction treatment services with the tax money. Just the existence of Marijuana Anonymous groups proves that pot can take over your life just as badly as any other drug if you're predisposed to addiction. 

cats

This is exactly how I feel when the neighborhood super friendly happy cat Frank comes over to visit

Omen goodies

Ahh, stuff to drool over and wonder if they have women's sizes...

And more awesome stuff!

All from metalhelm.com

Got to get my butt over there.

RIP Stuart Langridge

I had to write to my local newspaper about this story because it's come up so many times in the news over the year and it's bothered me every time. Basically Langridge was a Canadian soldier, served in battle amd eventually developed mental health problems. Mainly PTSD, depression and addiction to drugs and alcohol. The military put him in a psychiatric hospital for just 30 days and then expected him to go back to work right away. Instead he killed himself. Now his parents are angry and calling inquiries into how the military handled his illnesses, saying they didn't do enough for him. That's definitely true. But the military insists all his problems come from using drugs and alcohol so it's not their responsibility. What?? That makes no sense, he deserved more treatment and therapy, no matter what caused it. They are insinuating that addiction isn't a 'real' mental illness like PTSD is. So here's what I wrote:
Re: "Soldier's suicide case extended" (Nov.3)
This case highlights the continuing stigma against mental illnesses, especially addiction. Why do the soldier's parents have to argue that he suffered from PTSD and the military insists that his problems come from alcohol and drug use? In reality, mental illnesses are inseparably intertwined with addiction when both are present in an individual. You can't say one or the other is more prevalent or important.  Often mental illness will leave one predisposed to addiction and then the ensuing drug and alcohol use make both illnesses worse. So why is it insinuated that PTSD deserves proper professional treatment, thus the military is to be blamed because they didn't provide enough of this but if it was just drug and alcohol use, it's not the military's problem? Addiction is also a mental illness which also deserves it's own professional treatment. It isn't simply a character defect or a lack of willpower, it is a bona fide disease of the brain. Just as eating highly saturated foods for years will eventually give you heart disease, years of chemically altering your brain and neural pathways will result in mental illness, specifically addiction and possibly more. So why don't we give the same respect we have for heart disease sufferers to those suffering from addiction? Both deserve a chance to live through treatment.
Shame on the military for not giving Langridge the proper time he needed to recover from serious mental illnesses and forcing him back to work after only 30 days in a psychiatric hospital. Sometimes it takes years of therapy to be functional again. My heart goes out to his family.

Omen pre-order now!

Antestor's Omen is out for pre-order now at www.nordicmission.net! Eeee! I hope it's easy to order and all. Wish it would be on amazon or something but I dunno about that.

A little more info on Omen from Antestor

So if you didn't know already, Antestor has been posting teasers from their album on their facebook page and they just posted the last one. They also said the album doesn't have a release date yet but it will be available through Bombworks records and Nordic Mission. I hope they make it easy to buy because none of their other albums are and it's frustrating!

so clearly I'm tired

I overreacted to facebook because I'm still burnt out and tired from yesterday. I did too much in one day considering how much I'm recovering from. I saw my psychologist in the morning, saw my pastor, then saw a friend and did some shopping, then went to Bible study group in the evening and didn't get to my bf's place till midnight. Then I had group therapy this morning and I couldn't make it I was so tired, and I didn't go to the studio either like I had planned. So I'm pretty unhappy about how I wasted the most beautiful day of the season so far here in Montreal.

Fucking facebook

I'm gonna sound pretty petty and insecure now but I've got BPD OK? I fucking hate the home section on facebook! There's friends getting good jobs or going to crazy places, having more of a life than I've had in years. Then there's the friends that say they're friends but talk to you only for bit and then don't write back or respond to your calls anymore but they're chillin' on facebook and having dinners and partying together without you. Then there's all the activity of friends that have stopped talking to you entirely and never want to have anything to do with you ever again. Well sooorry for getting ill and becoming such a fucking burden. Then there's those who post about tragic things happening to them and they get so much support and empathy from so many friends and I've been in and out of hospitals for 3 years and almost died 5 times. Can anyone still empathize and give a crap? Apparently that's too much or something or I'm just not popular enough for people to at least care on vain facebook. Really the solution is to stop going on the home page at all. But even if I do, all this crap will still be happening behind my back!! I know this all sounds like self-pitying drivel, and it is. I'm immature, petty and want attention, if only because I've been so unwell in the past. Happy now?

if only I lived in Europe/Halloween

Even if only to see Antestor and several metalfests! Arg! Instead I'm across the ocean. So apparently Antestor are gonna play in the Netherlands Nov.3rd and then Germany in Blast of Eternity Nov.10th. I need to find out more about this Blast of Eternity thing. Looks like a Christian metal fest?? I dunno, I'll find out and post more later. Could be good for finding new bands to listen to.

I know I'm not really supposed to but I figure small amounts of Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir are ok to ring in the Halloween season which is my favorite holiday. Unfortunately I'm used to getting smashed and crazy high every Halloween at costume parties, so being sober now I was getting depressed about no more partying. I managed to speak up at my Marijuana Anonymous meeting about it and they said there's a sober Halloween party this weekend organized by Narcotics Anonymous. Wow that will be a different experience! So I'll be a pirate and my bf will be Jesus. He really looks like the stereotypical Jesus with his long hair down. Hopefully a friend or two of mine can come along too though I'm not sure who would willingly forgo intoxication if they're not addicts on Halloween weekend. Want to know what happened last year at Halloween? I went to a high school friend's party at his appartment, met some new people, including my future bf, drank and smoked up so much that I had to go to the bathroom to snort some lines of blow to counteract everything I took because the room was spinning so fast, but I took too much of everything and didn't have enough blow to counteract it all so when someone opened the door to the bathroom, I was leaning on it and fell to the floor because I couldn't stand on my own. I got dragged to a couch where I thought I was gonna die it felt so horrible to be too drunk and high at the same time. I kept calling for an ambulance but nobody could hear me over the music. Eventually I felt better then partied some more and chatted with my future bf again. Crazy, I never want to be that intoxicated ever again. Then, on actual Halloween day, I went trick-or-treating with a friend. Her costume covered her face and I look really young for my age so we got away with being way too old to trick-or-treat but before we went out, we smoked up, took magic mushrooms and I had a few lines of blow. The decorations of the houses looked really pretty then! But yikes, it was always overkill for me. I can't believe how many drugs I would mix on a daily basis.

RIP Amanda Todd

Her story was so sad it brought me down terribly for days. First it was shocking to see just how horrible and even more hurtful cyberbullying can be. When I was 12, it just wasn't possible for someone to get a video of a girl's breasts and threaten her with it and find out all her friends and family and send it to them all. God that is just devastating, especially since girls get routinely bullied in real life high schools for seeming slutty or being 'whores' and sleeping around. Why guys don't get the same treatment is proof of how stupid a reason it is to be abused. She got beaten by crowds of people at school, changed cities but it followed her everywhere since her breasts were posted on facebook. But then to hear of how she fell into major depression, anxiety disorder, substance abuse and cutting herself along with 2 suicide attempts, no 15 year old should have to deal with such heavy psychological problems. I suffered the same disorders but they started when I was 23, and still it was devastating and I nearly died several times, so no wonder she did finally die from suicide just a couple weeks ago. But it didn't have to happen. I think the internet is desensitizing people in how they treat others. Bullying is getting worse as a result so it's got to be treated differently now. Even on her memorial facebook page people still insult her, calling her an attention whore and such. These people are ignorant biggots. They're the same people who think self-harming is just for the attention, and call cutters emo whores. Well have I got news for you people. It's a way to deal with overwhelming psychological pain, and even if it is for the attention, how is that something to make fun of? If someone is drowning in the sea and they call for help, would you still laugh at them and call them attention whores? Self-harm comes from suffering serious mental health problems, you don't laugh at someone suffering from a heart attack because of heart disease do you? So how about similar respect for mental illnesses?

New Antestor album!!!

They announced it on facebook, their new album is coming out really soon and it's called Omen!! They also released a teaser of some of the songs but it's so short it's hard to tell really how it will be like. I'm just excited they're still making new albums and will try to buy it asap!
About Antestor tabs, as I've just mentioned I've been really busy with just life, so it'll be a while till I release any new tabs. Meanwhile, enjoy the ones I've got and if the links don't work, tell me. I'm too lazy for now to see for myself.

suddenly so busy!

Haven't written here for a while precisely because of the title. It's quite the shock to my system. I went from doing absolutely nothing but getting drugs or getting high to going to school 3 times a week, going to church, group therapy once a week, individual therapy once a week, seeing my pastor one on one, going to the printmaking studio at least once a week, Marijuana Anonymous every Monday, seeing the occasional friend or the bf and keeping up with homework. Whew it is starting to wear me down. I know most people do way more than all those things but I'm still very fragile after all I've been through. I thought I would feel better after the midterms were done with, afterall I got 87% in intro to psychology and 91% in biology. But I still feel run down. I did some deep breathing for 15 minutes today to try to get some relaxation relief and prayed to God twice today but still, they only helped a bit. But I have the car today so I'll still push myself to go to Bible study group where I've met alot of nice people. I only met them once though and I wonder if they can handle the heavy duty crap I've been through... It's so hard now to meet new people. I've lost so many friends because I was in crisis for so long and they either didn't know what to do or how to help or felt disgust at my drug usage and self-harming behaviours. I've been abandoned by alot of people I thought were true friends. Now I'm still bitter and angry but I guess that's just human nature for you. When someone suddenly needs more than you're comfortable with, you leave. Now I'm cautious to the point of paranoia when I meet new people.
Anyways, life is still better than what it was before rehab and the hospital and all that. I just hope I can keep it all up.

teetering yet firm

I think that's the best way to describe how I'm doing these days. I spend alot of time with my amazing bf who is doing well on his meds, (hardly any paranoid talking) I go to Marijuana Anonymous meetings and the occasional Narcotics Anonymous, I go to my group therapy once a week now with familiar faces from rehab and I now go to the printmaking studio that I am a member of and am relearning the lithography stone process again and I'm falling in love with it all over again. I have so many ideas for artwork/prints that I can't keep up. In a couple days I will start school in Psychology and I think I'm ready, we'll see. And I'm 80 days sober. These are all the good things. The not so good things are that my thoughts become mostly depressing when I'm alone and I'm constantly tempted to drug or drink again. Avoiding alcohol is the hardest since it's everywhere. I have to make sure wherever I go, people are not going to drink around me which can be tricky sometimes. My bf's family knows my problems as a result of my bf having to tell them on my behalf not to drink when I'm over for dinner. I can't really go to parties anymore except for a small amount where drinking won't happen anyways and I can't really eat at pubs or places that have prominent bars, even if they are restaurants first. Going to the corner store is difficult too since here in Quebec, beer can be sold in any one and in grocery stores. So I have to be constantly vigilant. Thankfully through God's grace I have the firm motivation to stay vigilant always but it's hard. I'll have thoughts where I miss drinking with friends or just with the nice weather. What's even harder is being vigilant against pot. Sometimes even though I'm being careful, I'll get a whiff of it in my face walking around downtown or even in my sleepy neighbourhood. The other day while waiting for a bus, I scanned the ground for any potential roaches I could pick up and smoke, even though I don't want to smoke it ever again. Even harder are the dreams where I get tempted and give in and they are so real, I'm really getting high in my dreams sometimes. And then there's the thoughts like, oh I could have just one puff, just for fun, or I can have just one line, I never did cocaine all that much... I told my bf and he said, remember when you did lines for 5 days in a row? You were constantly crying and delirious. Oh yeah, that was one of the worst times of my life. I remember going to my psychologist and just crying and crying and he said, "you're in such a bad state that I can't do anything for you." That helped me deal with those stupid 'I can have just a bit' thoughts.

back from total hell

hey long time no type!
I've just been through and still am going through a journey and a half. My last post was pretty depressing, why? Because I was very suicidal and got even worse afterwards, to the point that I tried to find a good bridge to jump off of. It's a very long story but basically I ended up at the Douglas mental hospital who sent me back to my local hospital psychiatric ward where I stayed locked up for a month with people who drove me up the wall and then I went straight to rehab (the same one I went to before) for 28 days and got out July 10th. So now that's 48 days of sobriety, the longest I've been clean in almost 4 years. It's a constant struggle to stay clean but I still have help in the form of twice weekly group therapy, an addiction therapist and my regular psychologist. Plus my ever supportive bf who stopped smoking up with me and a few friends. Life is still a crazy rollercoaster but so far I've been able to handle it better than before. I'm doing my best to avoid all self-destructive behaviours, including cutting, burning, banging my head, overdosing on meds and all drugs and alcohol. I only have the occasional puff of my bf's cigarettes. I'll elaborate more on what happened to me, as I feel more and more stable which could take a while.
Meanwhile, I'm registered in psychology at Concordia University in biology, math and intro to psych. I also got accepted into a printmaking studio downtown so I will hopefully start soon making litho prints and mezzotints. I realized in rehab that I missed that art form alot. I also sing and play guitar with my bf who plays djembe and that helps us both feel good too.

Drop into hell

Today is just another day, or so it should be in my head but instead it is doomsday for my psyche. The official day my mom died. I'm so torn between intensely missing her because my identity depended on her to an unhealthy degree and being terrified of her because I can still hear her criticizing, imperious voice/ghost and being incredibly angry at what she did to me over the years. So all of these crazy intensely negative emotions fuel my addictions more so now I'm tripping out to music while high on weed and shrooms. Later I'll have some lines and a drink or two and certainly more weed. Yes I know they will all make me worse but it's so I avoid acting on the voice in my head, the part of me brainwashed by my mom's words when I was little that just wants to destroy me. I had a fantasy that became a serious plan, to take all the prescription pills I have and some Tylenol, have a few drinks and show up to my psychologist appointment and tell him what I did at the end of the session. So fucking stupid but part of me is trying to force the rest of me to do it and it's winning out except for the fact that my brother called my old pastor and a church friend so they are both coming for dinner tonight which is really nice of them so I'm trying harder to be in one piece by the end of the day so they don't come all the way out to my house for nothing. After that though, I don't know how I will keep fighting my stupid self. Meanwhile, all the drugs are making my reality so dark and painful because they make me super-sensitive to everything, every single experience is overwhelming. Even the affection from my bf is overwhelming now, I have to tell him to dial it down which is really something because I'm normally the passionate one. Simple tasks and errands/chores are also overwhelmingly stressful now. Also too paranoid about people I don't know or don't know very well so that adds more stress. Just walking in public is a huge deal because I just want to hide from everyone. Asking for help is hard too because if they do, it feels like my situation is worse than I want to believe so it's good my brother did that for me for today at least. Oh great, the poster of the solar system is coming to life like animated 3D right in front of my eyes and I have to go see my psychologist in an hour.

tried and failed

Yes of course my use has been increasing slowly so I figured I should try to at least cut down a bit on the smoking up. I cut down a third of a joint for a week no problem. Cut down another third and still ok. But by the next week I started drinking and snorting more, resulting in a 5 day binge that has left my brain completely drained of any feel-good chemicals. I feel like shit. And I know it's not going to stop because I still can't stop using. Every puff is digging deeper into the feel-like-shit hole and every drink and line are just even bigger and deeper scoops. I can't help but feel that I am fucked. There's only so much abuse the brain and mind can take and I'm just getting more and more unstable. I really don't know what to do anymore. Going through therapy, ending up in hospital and going to rehab were still not enough before. I feel like I need so much more help than the health system can give me and what my friends and family can give me. So I'm left all alone in my head, fighting for my life everyday. But that's not true, I'm not truly alone, God is with me always, I asked for it so I know He is there. He has to be there though I don't often feel it, otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago. I'm still going to get assessed by the centre that runs the rehab and see what happens. Needless to say, in this state I can't do much like tabbing or playing music or anything productive really... including blogging. Next post might be another week or month.

warrior princess

God gave me a vision of what is truly my identity. Something very close to Zena but as a spiritual warrior princess! God is my Father through Christ so I am a princess as He is the King but He also equipped us with the Bible as a spiritual double-edged sword and armour and so on. If only this could replace the endless black hole I instead feel inside me.

They've turned against me

They were my absolute best friends. It was amazingly comforting to know that I could call on them any time, from almost anywhere and they would be right there for me. When I found life too harsh and unforgiving, I always could count on them to make me forget and laugh again. When I found it too hard to ask anyone for help or simple company, I knew I could easily find myself in their enjoyable and entertaining presence. Actually, we were more than friends. They gave me so much pleasure in increasingly dark days that I slowly started to spend all my time with them. And just when I found them to be more important to my life than the air I breathed, they turned against me. It was the worst betrayal done completely behind my back and while they blinded me to reality they took all my problems and multiplied them into insurmountable mountains. They've darkened my world to the point where I can only despair in hopelessness. And yet, I'm still so dependent on their company. I've learned to let them manage my life and I don't know how to live without them. But the more time I spend with them, the more I suffer their abuse on my psyche and body. I have to somehow have the strength to say good-bye and permanently. I have to love life enough to choose a harder but better way of life. I have to have faith that things will get better with help and without them. I have to love myself to treat myself better and love others.

the terrible birthday

I haven't written about it until now since I think I'm doing better than when I was going through it. And just thinking about it triggered me for a while. Now it's not as bad. I barely got through my mom's birthday this past February 21st and I still ended up in the hospital a few weeks later but more accidentally than because of an episode. It was so incredibly hard and painful though. And how to explain it? Well, first of all, I simply miss her so much. But my memories of her also pain me because I can't believe everything she put me through. And her words still haunt me, forming its own voice in my head which tells me to destroy myself because that's all I'm good for. And so I feel possessed by a malevolent ghost of my mom that gets stronger whenever I'm reminded of her. I shouldn't write much more or else I'll revive it within me. The only way I was able not to act on the destructive urges was to depend on my amazing bf who spent a whole week with me, watching me all day. My mind hatched all kinds of plans to get more pills and just take everything to be in a coma but the combo of being with my bf and my own willpower and God's strength for it kept me safe. I didn't have any severe episodes that made me completely lose it. Truly it's a blessing and sign that I'm doing better than last year. My only lingering problem is the continuing feeling that my mom lives inside me, and only her bad characteristics.

how DBT and stabilization therapy went

I noticed that I talked about starting these two therapy groups but I never followed up on them here. DBT was from September to December and stabilization therapy (which was led by my psychologist) was from December? to February. DBT should be taught in all schools in simplified form to grade schoolers. It is about how to manage your thoughts and feelings and interact with people in a way that makes life easier for everyone. It's very practical. The main thing they kept repeating was to distract, soothe yourself and be mindful any time something triggered intensely negative emotions. The key is to let yourself calm down with a neutral, distracting activity, then soothe yourself like taking a hot bath and keep your mind in the present, not ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. If you can actually master that in practice, then you have solved one of the main sources of suffering for people with BPD or intense emotions. Then they also cover how to interact with people without getting into conflicts or too much tension. So it's amazing wisdom, but hard to put into practice. But they say practice makes perfect, so I'm going to rewrite my notes and try to use them.

Then I did stabilization therapy where you simply think about what your goals are in life and they talk about ways to get there. They also talk about how to understand what your emotions are telling you and advise you on whatever life situations you are in. It wasn't as helpful as DBT but still good. I figured out I want to go into psychology there I think.

fellow judgers

Hmm, I think I have noticed a disturbing trend I call 'judging fellows'. It occurs in this sort of situation mostly: someone has a problem, someone else who had a similar problem feels they can give advice on how to solve it but they also can get impatient, harsh and judgmental of the first person. Isn't that weird? You'd think that the person who had similar experiences would be the most sympathetic and supportive of the person with the problem but I've noticed that they can often be the opposite. A good example is the girl at my church who said she used to be addicted to drugs and would help me by calling me and praying for me everyday for my addiction. But as the weeks went by and I still didn't quit, she stopped calling me and later told me that I wasn't doing enough for myself to warrant her help. She was frustrated with me for not trying 'hard enough' by completely quitting. Well in fact, I've been doing alot more than just smoking up all the time and I've been regularly going to therapy which is a strong sign of someone doing something to help themselves! But to her that wasn't enough. I'm sure it's because she was able to quit everything pretty quickly and without any professional help and so she expected that it would be as simple for me. But addiction is different for everyone and there are varying degrees of severity. The more psychological issues you have, the harder it is to quit and believe me, I have more than the average person. I was so shocked and hurt when she told me how she felt. I thought she would be understanding but she in fact judged me through her own experience and thus had little patience for me and my struggles.
Another example is a few comments on reddit r/leaves which I have just discovered is just for people quitting weed or thinking about it which is awesome. One post talked about someone struggling to quit because they self-medicate for depression. One comment said that his problems are self-inflicted and that you need to get out and enjoy life and everyone else suffers too but they get over it and you should stop self-pitying and do stuff. The poster wrote back basically saying that that's what people say when they don't know what depression is like and it's offensive to him. I agree. It's hurtful and harsh and impatient of him because of the tone. It's mostly truthful but doesn't need to be written so angrily. The commenter wrote even more harsh words back with pretty much the same message as before but said they suffered from depression all their life. I was shocked. And thought about this fellow judging phenomenon. They said it took them years but they figured out how to be well and now they suddenly have no patience for others in the same boat but further behind.
So I guess this is a word of warning for myself and whomever. Just because someone went through something similar to your issues, doesn't mean they will be kind and understanding of them. They can just as easily have no patience and judge you as one who never had big issues because it wasn't as hard for them as it might be for you. No one goes through the same mental illnesses with the same experiences. It's harder on some than others and being harsh on people already suffering and vulnerable is just a recipe for disaster either way. For some people, quitting pot is not that hard. You just stop, maybe have a hard time sleeping for a few days, feel kinda funny but you get over it. It's just not the same way for me. I get dreams about using drugs and craving them, I feel alot of anxiety, sometimes to the point of panic attack episodes where I see and hear things that aren't there, I become self-destructive and have to fight powerful urges to cut and hurt myself, my emotions become even more unbalanced than they usually are with my BPD so everything becomes a big deal and everything I experience hurts more so I overreact to everything. Basically, I go crazy without weed. But it will drive me crazy if I don't stop soon. I can't believe what a trap I'm in. And nobody can tell me my experience is otherwise! I am struggling and that's the simple truth and it's my right to express it and need extra help for it.

scary sounding metro

Our metro system was built in the 60's so it's developed certain quirks over the decades. Sometimes those quirks are downright scary. Like how recently one of the cars became detached while it was traveling between stations and passengers had to walk in tunnels to get out. Or just annoying, like when the cars are traveling fast and start to shake up and down alot since the tires are slightly bent out of shape so all your fat is jiggling around. It is particularly unfortunate for large-chested women. Well, this time I was just taking the metro after volunteering with adults who mostly have cerebral palsy and it started making a loud rattling noise. I thought, this is it. Something's wrong with the metro and we're all gonna die. And then I thought, well, I can die a happy person because I know I helped and loved people today. And I felt totally at peace for a while. Then the metro rolled away and everything was fine of course. Yet I felt like I learned something there. Felt a glimpse of my future and the key to happiness.

something silly

I just realized my bf's eyes are very similar to Tom Cruise's. No wonder I find him hot! Yeah I'm feeling like an 8 right now...

friend burnout

A few friends have told me about similar experiences with me recently. From my side all I see is, good friend tries to help me since they know my mental health got really bad. And then after a while, good friend gets too busy to hang out and eventually disappears. And then sometimes they come back to me and say sorry. Why sorry? They admitted to me that they really wanted to help me but couldn't figure out how, got frustrated and burnt out and decided to stay away for their own mental health. I was afraid that might happen and now it's happened with at least 3 of my good friends. It adds to my irrational fear that my illnesses and problems can be contagious if I get to know someone too closely. I'm always afraid that I'm a source of negative vibes for people around me. I guess it's understandable though. My experiences over the last three years have been traumatizing and of course, what you go through, your loved ones also partly go through as well. And believe me, anyone would have a hard time dealing with what I've had to deal with these past few years. But, withdrawing without saying anything to me just triggers my BPD more because I hate it when I perceive that someone is abandoning me. So I get upset, repress it and my mind automatically pretends you are dead to me. So, really if you are burning out trying to help me and solve my problems, tell me. And remember that I am not someone you need to somehow fix. My burdens are unfortunately, mine alone. The best way you can help someone in psychological distress is to just be there once in a while and simply listen when I need to express myself. Nothing more is necessary from friends of people going through hard times. You can do extra if you want but don't think you have to come up with solutions. The source of my suffering is complex and requires extensive professional treatment, something friends can't provide anyways. But friends have an important part of anyone's life, I still appreciate hanging out with friends, just having fun together helps.

misconceptions of mental illness

I have to admit a silly new habit that I find embarrassing: reading celebrity gossip. I used to look down on people who cared about celebrities and like so many other things I looked down on people for, I turn out to be the same as them. But probably for different reasons, well actually not really that much. It started with reading about Bobbi Kristina, Whitney Houston's daughter. As Houston's death got covered everywhere in the media, they started talking about the daughter's life, especially since she has similar problems as her mom and was in the hospital several times since the death. And I noticed that her life was similar to mine. I was 18 when my mom died, I was young but had to care for an ill mother emotionally like she did with Whitney's addictions, both our moms treated us more like friends, both of us have addiction issues too and have been in the hospital for emotional breakdowns. So now I'm interested to see how she handles it all, as if she's a friend with similar problems and we're both looking for solutions as we live our daily lives. Which translates into going to TMZ and trashy sites like it. Sigh. And what has that led to? Hearing about more celebrities with allegedly similar problems to mine. So I read about them too and empathize, even if it's not entirely accurate of the celebrity because of course, who really knows how they're doing. There's Demi Moore out of rehab for drugs and anorexia, Owen Wilson and his addictions and now there's Tila Tequila deciding to go to rehab after trying to kill herself all week and ending up in a hospital. The comments for this item caught my attention. Of course there was lots of flaming that I just try to ignore since they're of no value but there were a few more thoughtful comments. These comments revealed a lot of prejudice and misconceptions of mental disorders and mental illness in general.

-"Let her kill herself. Everyone is entitled to the choice of living or dying. If this troll wants to kill herself, let her."

Ok this is more like flaming but to some people it may look like a reasonable statement, especially if they are suicidal themselves. But it is not a true statement. Suicidal thoughts are a symptom of a psychiatric or psychological problem. There is no truly good reason to want to die aside from the debatable situation of being terminally ill.

-"New book idea suicide for dummies"

This is a popular thought that people have when they hear about someone trying to kill themselves repeatedly and is similar to the comment below. Both question, 'is the person really trying to die or what?' Instead of this judgemental questioning, you should be focusing on why someone would feel so badly that they would want to die or seriously injure themselves at all and repeatedly.

-"I agree this poor girl has some serious issues that need to be dealt with but also pretty sure she is an attention hog. I seem to remember a self video she did where she cut herself up or something. So with that said not sure what her intentions where/are."

Again questioning, 'did she really want to die?' and this person adds, 'or for attention?' But truly, what does it matter in the end? It's besides the point. The real point is that here is an individual who is possibly hurting herself for attention or really wants to die. Either way she needs professional medical level treatment for her psychological disorders and addictions (which is also classified as mental illness). Hurting yourself for attention is the behaviour of someone afflicted and suffering, not simply spoiled or badly behaving on purpose or manipulating as this comment suggests:

-"She is literally killing herself for attention and it seems to be working."

Even if she is manipulating for attention through trying to kill herself, does that sound like the behaviour of someone sane? They definitely have extreme thought patterns whatever the intentions, and that requires professional intervention and not condescending judgement from others!

-it's just a cry for help

Ok so I added this one but only because I hear a lot of this comment too when attempted suicide is brought up. If you were overboard in stormy seas, wouldn't you cry for help? Whatever the situation, even if it is a cry for help, then it's a sign that something's very wrong and the person needs help! If they're hurting themselves to cry for help, then they need psychiatric and/or psychological help and not condescending judgement!

-"even her website says she has "multiple personality disorder" ala "Cybil". She's not gonna last long."

At least this commenter acknowledges she suffers from an actual disorder that affects behaviour. But they see all the disorders and figure she's as good as dead. Yes some people unfortunately suffer from several disorders, substance abuse often comes along with a few personality disorders and bi-polar and schizophrenia and more. Yes that means they are at higher risk of early tragic deaths but most manage to live out their daily lives functionally with professional help. Stop all the harsh condemnation and judging of people who have mental illnesses!

applied for school once again

Last time I went back to school was a year and a half ago but I was trying too much all at once, and to top it all off I didn't think I had an addiction problem at all. So I ended up going crazy with stress and lasted about a month or so. Since then I've gone to rehab and two group therapies, one of them being the incredibly wise DBT. And my dad's been bugging me about my future plans and getting on with it. And I've been getting the idea of Art Therapy but it's a scary Master's program and also such a narrow field of therapy. I figured, if I really want to help people, it would be better to be a certified psychologist, which means a PhD here in Quebec. So, I prayed about it, I think got the go-ahead, and applied for the specialization in psychology bachelor's program for the fall semester. The thing my psychologist has been bugging me forever just to look into and I suddenly completely applied finally! I didn't get to talk to him about it yet but I know for sure I can't continue classes under the same conditions as before ie, I can't be smoking as much as I do. I wouldn't remember enough. I have to consider the option of rehab once again. ugh.

the tables turned!

This made my past week rather dramatic. I planned to hang out with my friend who I met in the psych ward and catch up since I hadn't seen her in half a year. It was also important to do so because she was in the psych ward again since October and wasn't doing so well. The day came and she texted me to ask if a friend of hers could join us. I hesitated but tried to do the right thing and be inclusive and said ok but it didn't send because of a weak signal so I thought maybe I should cancel it and say I just want to see only her. But then the signal came back and it sent and my bro suggested it could be God saying just relax and go see them both. He ended up being right, I don't know what would have happened if I said no. Anyways, so I go pick up my friend from the hospital and drive to the friend's friend's house. We go to my friend's appartment and on the way we introduced ourselves and talked about our experiences at the hospital a bit. She told me she has BPD, bipolar disorder and psychosis. Whew, that's quite alot of labels we agreed. I told her I had BPD and ended up in the psych ward a few times but they won't take me in there anymore. She said she'd been there before but it didn't help. When we got to the apartment I caught up with my friend a bit and then her friend said, " I feel kinda sick". We asked if she was ok and she said, "I took 16 Tylenols. But whatever, it's not a big deal. Let's watch TV." We just froze for a bit and looked at each other... And so I had to use every trick and reason in the book to get her to go to the hospital because she did not want to go at all. I said I'll just call the crisis center, they can tell us what to do. They gave me the Poison Control center and they said her liver could get damaged and by onset of symptoms it could be too late so I said, "you could really regret losing your liver when you feel better which is strongly possible." She said her mom would kill her, and if she went to the hospital they would lock her up in the psych ward which she dreaded. I said, "What would you do if it was me or her in your situation? Would you just do nothing knowing we overdosed on something?" She said, "Yes. Because it's your right to do what you want with yourself. It's my right to do what I want!" I said "When you hurt yourself you're not just hurting yourself but also the people around you. I know it feels like nothing helps but the only place to get the right help is at the hospital so either come with us or I'll have to call 911 and they'll take you by ambulance." I braced for an emotional lash-out if she was severely borderline but she only got angry a bit. She stalled for time and finally I said, "I'm calling 911." She said, "OK stop being so dramatic! Geez!" And I lost a bit of patience and said, "who's the one being dramatic, taking 16 Tylenols!" Eep, not my best moment and somehow I got away with it because she didn't get angrier at me and let us drive her to the hospital and take her to the ER. My friend said she was so glad I was there and got her friend to go to the ER, she didn't know what to do herself. I was glad to help but I was traumatized by the experience. First of all, I felt so much stress and worry over the girl and how she would be doing, even though I just met her. And most of all, I felt so bad for causing all the stress and pain I was feeling on those around me, over and over again in the past. I felt quite a bit of distress over this relative stranger. Imagine how bad it must be for those close to me, like family and close friends, who had to drive me to hospitals, visit me in ERs and ICUs 7 times in the past 3 years. I can't believe how bad it is, it's not so far from how bad it is to be the one being suicidal. I feel so sorry and yet, with my mom's b-day coming up, the idea keeps getting entertained in my head once more as a way to deal with the seemingly never-ending pain. What a hypocrite I would be, to see the friend's friend in the ER because I'm there for the same thing...

another reason to stop

I guess it's kinda obvious but this is another realization to add to the one where I realized every moment is a gift from God so you shouldn't try to avoid reality. Another reason to stay sober is because it affects everyone who interacts with you. They can't really reach or communicate to the real you and miss you. Well it's the same with God and you. When you pray while inebriated and have a hard time finding sober time with God, He also is hurt and misses you and just wants you to be you and take responsibility by co-labouring in His perfect plan for you instead of always sitting out.

a frustrating question answered

Sometimes when I'm high I actually get revelations, nuggets of wisdom for my current situations. This was one of those times. I was talking about my issues with my bf when I thought about how my intense emotions affect me, especially my mind and brain. And I immediately answered the question: why have I always had bad long-term memory and why do I remember and focus more on my negative memories than positive ones? This has frustrated me to no end all my life. Even when I was little, I felt like a goldfish. Always forgetting things, being disorganized, not keeping track of things. My elementary teachers thought I wasn't very smart and couldn't go to an enriched high school program. But I actually learned to use my good short-term memory to squeeze info last-minute and get good grades by the skin of my teeth. I have a bachelor's with distinction. But anyways, wow, I just realized, I must have been suffering psychological impairment from trauma with my mom abusing me and then getting cancer when I was 9. That's why I couldn't stay on top of things in school, why I couldn't speak up and ask questions, why I'd fall behind in my homework and couldn't focus for long. But my short-term memory saved my ass enough for me to pass ok.
Anyways, I became known to be somewhat ditzy by the time I got to high school, mostly forgetful. More recently, since my 3 year decent into hell, I noticed my mind just seems to stick to negative events more than positive ones. I figure this could be a symptom of clinical depression but I realized it can also be because they carry such intensity as emotionally traumatic events, that they burn into my memory more. It's the aspect of BPD that is similar to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I just remember details of traumatic events more than neutral or positive ones. So I guess the challenge is to fight the compulsion to focus on the source of pain and focus on the Ultimate Source of love.

a glimpse of freedom

Maybe it's because I'm high and tipsy, but this picture came alive to me. I could really picture myself there, feeling the sun's rays, breathing in the fresh mountain air, enjoying the intense blue of the lake... and I figure being totally sober and free from everything, free in Christ, must feel similar. The invigorating feeling of God's love giving me life from inside like a breath of fresh air. Experiencing everything and feeling more alive than ever and standing amongst the conquered mountains in your life. I pray I will truly experience these things and trust that it will happen according to Your holy will.

bad church drama

Here's what's been going on on the spiritual side. In December the 17 year old girl who had been calling me every day and praying for me stopped doing so even though she said she would keep it up and got mad at herself every time she forgot previously. So I was hurt, felt abandoned and betrayed but tried to ignore it though it triggered my BPD abandonment issues. She and a 16 year old girl are both youth leaders at my church and were asked by the pastor to pray for me after Friday service and the 17 year old said she also took drugs, got sober with Christ and would help me more by calling every day and praying for me. I did find it strange that the pastor seemed to be putting me in the hands of teenagers but I decided to trust them, especially the 17 year old since she had similar experiences and was artistic too. But last month, I couldn't take it any more and decided to do the right thing and calmly explain how I felt to her since she had stopped calling me. I said I felt hurt that she didn't call anymore. What was her response? She said she told me I could call her too, but I didn't and that was a test to see if I would take the initiative to help myself but I didn't. She said I'm not committed to changing and am not doing anything to help myself so that's why she doesn't want to call me anymore. What a fucking slap in the face. You talk about giving God's unconditional love for healing and turn around and backhandedly force expectations on me as a requirement for the 'free' help. When you offered to call you didn't say the requirement was to give up drugs which is what I assume you expected and are upset you didn't get. Just because you kicked the drugs in one shot doesn't mean any other Christian struggling with similar issues is simply lazy and unwilling to change. How dare you judge and belittle my mental health issues, as if I could be cured in an instant if I just wanted it hard enough so clearly I don't to you. You are rejecting me for my problem which is lack of commitment and fear of change because of my BPD. That's like when the crisis centre kicked me out for cutting myself and smoking up at home. Those were the precise problems that landed me in the hospital that eventually sent me there in the first place. That's what I needed help with and they kicked me out because of them when they're supposed to help me with them! And you've done the same to me now. When she said those words she made me feel so bad about myself. I literally felt like a black hole that just sucks everyone's time and energy around me and no results or change come out of me. I'm a useless vacuum that doesn't deserve to live. So you can see how my last few Fridays and weeks were very hard on me. My first instinct was to leave the church completely but my brother insisted that maybe the pastor and other 2 youth leaders didn't think the same way so he confronted them for me and they were confused by what he told them the 17 year old said to me. So I told my therapy group everything and they said I should talk to the pastor about it. I was so scared but I did it and boy am I glad I did. I was questioning my hope in spiritual healing and she gave me reason once more to hope. She apologized profusely for me getting hurt and explained the girls were just to pray for me, not counsel me, they must have gotten overzealous. She then said she expects nothing from me, only that I try reading certain promises in the Bible to help me trust in the Lord since she said it's obvious I don't. Then I can smoke or do whatever I want in the day, so I put that in my schedule. The pastor's apology helped but I'm still mad at the 17 year old. I can't believe how badly she betrayed and judged me and threw me off so badly I'm ashamed how badly I've been feeling over her words. I'm still recovering from feeling like a black hole. It sounds kinda funny to feel that way but it's really not funny for me. It leads me to suicidal thoughts and actions if it lasts too long. That friggin' girl, I'm not sharing anything with her again. I pray that God gives me the ability and will to forgive her clueless ass. Hopefully venting this out here will help me feel better...

a new schedule

Because of BPD my emotions are very intense so they often interfere in my life in the form of not being able to stick to anything regularly. I can't keep good habits very well and I've tried my entire life to stick to all sorts of schedules I concocted in my youth and not a single one ever lasted very long. Well here I am giving it yet another innumerable shot because otherwise I'm going to waste all my time either high or in romantic bliss with my lovable nutcase who is doing pretty well now on new medication, hallelujah! Anyways, this schedule is making me sketch, hopefully paint and play more music and sing. And lets my dad know about when I go to church and volunteer. So far so good. And my lovable nutcase bf is helping me to do it too, and stick to my idea of staying away from powder for a month even through the bad days I've had recently. The volunteering is the one really positive thing going on other than the bf. At first I was unfamiliar with what needed to be done and scared shitless so I didn't help out that much. But now I can since I've spent more time there and it's been very rewarding with my friend's boss now thanking me for the help and getting thanks or just seeing satisfaction from the cerebral palsy clients at the activity centre. I go in the morning and finish at 3:30pm and for the day I can see myself as a normal person going to work. I can picture what it might be like to have my life on track once more. I really owe this friend who works there alot since it was her idea for me to volunteer there. She's someone I might be able to call a close and trustworthy friend, hard as that is for me to do.

so much Gift!

I was just thinking the other day, what was the most important thing I learned last year? It was from my first weekend out during rehab, it was Christmas last year and I had my first slip. I just couldn't resist the fact I still had enough to roll a tiny joint in my desk so I went out and smoked it and immediately God started talking to me and said, "Do you know why mind-altering drugs aren't good for you on a near-constant basis? Because every moment is a gift from Me." And this includes the hard times that I prefer to avoid with drugs because even those moments are good for you and shape your character. But it's been a hard lesson to learn and let sink in since I'm so used to just avoiding pain and life in general.

Today I finally sat down and had real one-on-one time with God which I haven't done in a while with the paradoxical craziness of the holidays. What finally gave me the push was the realization of the fact that I need His love to do anything positive and it was wonderful. It felt similar to being with my lovable nutcase in the sense that I was with Someone I really wanted to be with and He wanted to be with me too. I immediately felt warm and peaceful inside with a sensation of being re-energized inside. And I just got to enjoy His presence and chat with Him. He essentially told me to stop being about desires (especially desiring to do the right thing) and just receive His love. Giving love is about action but receiving it is only about staying still and opening up. And to be healthy (especially spiritually) you need to be able to do both. If you're bad at one of them, you're bad at the other as well. Even with the lovable nut I have a hard time accepting everything loving he says to me, like it's all too good to be true and I don't deserve it all. So no wonder I also have a hard time accepting God's even purer love. So basically God told me to continue working on my issues so that I can accept Him fully into my life. I tried to ask Him to do it for me but I see that it is my part of the co-labouring that I must bear or else He would be stepping on my freedoms if He did do it for me. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do or attempt but He has promised to be with me the whole way and always help.

back from kinda sober NB

Discounting the fact I drank a bit everyday, I survived a mostly clean 5 day family vacation. It was a huge fight in my head but I decided not to try to bring anything and really not smoke and see what it would be like and maybe I could continue it when I got back. Well, it went alright but some of it really felt like rehab and no, I couldn't continue it when I got back. Overall it was a relaxing and fun time with my relatives who have a similar sense of humour but the mornings were hard. First off, the nights would always bring using dreams where I'm trying to or am smoking or taking something. Then I would wake up craving whatever I was dreaming about and feel generally ill without it. I'd feel too much energy and anxiety and some nausea every morning. I also got body aches, some shakes and sluggishness. Psychologically I was anxious and depressed but as the day wore on it would get better since my mind would be distracted from myself. One thing it made me realize was how strongly my brain depends on the powder too now. Even when I got back and smoked, I still had using dreams about making lines until I really had some. Yikes. So now I'm trying to cut back on that and stick more to smoking only. Sigh, I can't believe how much this has become my thing or vice. Before, it used to be a bunch of things like cutting myself, shopping and buying stuff on ebay, always having boyfriends etc... but now it's all been conglomerated into just drugs. I don't cut anymore and I hardly went shopping for myself this year or last and I only just got a new boyfriend after being single for a while. I wonder if having a boyfriend whose condition means he can't smoke or use anything anymore will help me. Before, he was making things worse since he would smoke with me all the time but now he's on meds that don't mix well with any drugs so he only has cigarettes now and so far I am smoking a bit less than before.