the terrible birthday

I haven't written about it until now since I think I'm doing better than when I was going through it. And just thinking about it triggered me for a while. Now it's not as bad. I barely got through my mom's birthday this past February 21st and I still ended up in the hospital a few weeks later but more accidentally than because of an episode. It was so incredibly hard and painful though. And how to explain it? Well, first of all, I simply miss her so much. But my memories of her also pain me because I can't believe everything she put me through. And her words still haunt me, forming its own voice in my head which tells me to destroy myself because that's all I'm good for. And so I feel possessed by a malevolent ghost of my mom that gets stronger whenever I'm reminded of her. I shouldn't write much more or else I'll revive it within me. The only way I was able not to act on the destructive urges was to depend on my amazing bf who spent a whole week with me, watching me all day. My mind hatched all kinds of plans to get more pills and just take everything to be in a coma but the combo of being with my bf and my own willpower and God's strength for it kept me safe. I didn't have any severe episodes that made me completely lose it. Truly it's a blessing and sign that I'm doing better than last year. My only lingering problem is the continuing feeling that my mom lives inside me, and only her bad characteristics.