back home

Well I'm back now from the crisis center and overall it was good there. I made some awesome new friends and the staff helped me alot in terms of finding more resources for me. They're pushing to have me fast-tracked into a psychiatric program at the hospital near my house which is nice since it's kinda hard to wait to see a psychiatrist for another 1.5 months. It was neat to be surrounded with people who have different problems and don't judge each other. We could openly talk about our issues and easily joke around at the same time. One guy suffered from anxiety attacks because of overbearing parents, another is a recovering alcoholic who overdosed, two were homeless, one had post-traumatic stress disorder from abuse and another was bipolar. We had a huge age range, varied backgrounds and some were on welfare and others were millionaires. It was so great to be in such a varied mix, get along and see people get better or at least less consumed by their problems.
I'm happy to be back home since it's more comfortable but at the same time it's kinda bleh. I'm not sure what to do with myself. At least today anyway. Maybe that's part of the reason I lived away for a week. It was good to get more resources and people help me in that sense at the center but I think I'm still about the same internally speaking. Not much change in my broken mind and I'm still confused about my episodes and what to do about them for now. But I know God is following up on me and won't drop my case.

more metal shows

To brighten up my recent posts I should just mention what concerts I'm looking forward to attending:
1. Children of Bodom!!! Oh my gosh I am SUPER excited for this one. I can't believe they're coming back so soon and this time they're headlining which means alot more songs will be played! I can't wait to drool over Alexi's guitar riffs and good looks.

2. Dragonforce! I actually haven't heard all that many songs from them but their guitarists are pretty fast so I figure that's something worth seeing: if they can actually play that fast and crazily live.

3. Killswitch Engage and Protest the Hero! Killswitch Engage has a few songs that I like and they're Christian so it'll be my first time seeing a Christian metal band live which is cool. Plus I want to support my fellow Christian metalheads by going. Protest the Hero is a good band too. Their specific metal genre is not my favorite but I like the frenetic feel of their songs and their guitar parts.

I'll talk about these shows as they come up. They're definitely not happening anytime too soon but whatever, I'm still excited.

new living place

I'm off to live in some sort of crisis center for a week to figure out what my episodes are from I guess a psychological perspective. Geez, look what happens to me when my pastor goes on vacation! This could be a good change, might understand things alot better, or it could be very bad. Staying there might make my condition worse since it's exacerbated by me just thinking about it too much. But I'm really reaching the end of my rope in terms of trying to get myself help. It's near impossible to get appointments with professionals and it turns out because of where I live, I can't go to the Victoria hospital either. So really, I'm willing to try anything now but I'm also about ready to give up trying and just go more insane all by myself. I just don't care anymore, the desperation has worn me out.

Victoria hospital + randomness

It turns out the Royal Victoria hospital seems to have more mental health resources than the one in my area which I have concluded is crap in comparison. There was a very nice lady who talked about their programs and how they work and it all sounds so wonderful... but I have to wait forever like everybody else in Quebec. This frustrated me alot at first but I have come to terms with it better now. Really, I just have to stop trying to figure things out and continue to pray, read the Bible and depend on the Lord.
Meanwhile I have joined a Russian martial arts class downtown and it's pretty awesome so far. It makes me so sore and I'm covered in bruises but that's a good thing right? It's kinda intense when the instructor talks of the different ways the Russian military came up with to kill people without too much conscious effort.

And the Fantasia film festival is here! I just saw Must Love Death and it was quite good. It's amazing it's actually a final project of a film student from Germany because it was really well done. It was a hilarious mixture of romantic comedy and gory horror torture. A combination of the best of both worlds! It's so sweet and silly but then so bloody and sadistic at the same time and even has a happy ending. I'm excited to see the filmmaker's next project.

crazy psychiatrist!

So I tried to reschedule my appointment but I keep being deferred to someone else until I finally get to talk to the psychiatrist herself and it turns out she sounds grumpy and worn out. Very similar to another of her profession that I saw once long ago and he turned out to be crazier than me. Plus, she sounds like my Gr.9 economics teacher who was just terrible and stupid. All in all, there's no way in hell I'm going to talk to this lady again. Maybe my dad's right, maybe they're all a little loopy and need help themselves...

Rites of Death tab planned

I almost forgot my project to do more Antestor tabs! the next one will be Rites of Death. It's one of my favorites. It's one of the catchiest black metal songs which sort of sounds like an oxymoron somehow...

bad relapse

What an awful relapse I just had a couple days ago. I ended up in the hospital not even remembering what happened or how I got there. I am disappointed in myself. I got myself stuck in a bad downward spiral and then my mind just went out of control. It's so frustrating. And I missed my psychiatrist appointment so I have to reschedule. Now the same old worries float through my head. Maybe I'm just lazy and spoiled or maybe it's the opposite and I try too hard and should let God work in me more. I'm pretty sure the parental unit thinks it's the first option. I'm leaning more towards the second but that could just be my ego wishing it so. Anyways, I wasn't getting better for nothing. This time I know I better focus on God than my own wretched condition. Besides, through inner turmoil I seem to be better attuned to God's guidance in general. Perhaps all this will lead to more creative than destructive results.

Some outfits

Just thought I would post two of my favorite outfits to wear. They are exactly the sort of thing I would sell in my goth clothing store.

Sometimes I worry that I'm too vain with my passion for goth fashion but at the same time, it's an art in itself that I like to express myself through. Wow, that sounded cheesy!

My favorite boots and a top from Living Dead Souls

Posing with my friend's motorcycle in my leather, metal-braced corset