Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Wow time flies! I've been somewhat relaxing since my semester ended and I got an A in history of psychology and an A+ in stats! What's not so great is my fiance ended up in the hospital right up till Christmas Eve and we found out he has Crohn's disease. Now we have to get used to a new diet for him and some different cooking on my part. It's kinda hard for now. As usual my year has been dramatically eventful. Just in February I was in the psych ward thanks to PTSD from my mom, then managed to get A's anyways in school, then my dad got married in Jamaica to a woman I am starting to warm up to, then we moved out with my good friend closer to downtown and then the stuff I mentioned at the top. Whew, no wonder I get worn out so easily. I'd say it was good overall, mostly because I am still clean from street drugs and feeling mentally healthier than ever before. Some days I wonder now if the name of this blog still is relevant. I'll always be a Christian metalhead but perhaps my journey through the desert is nearly over, or maybe it never really ends but turns into pretty places here and there...

happy year and a half to me!

Well it was actually 5 days ago but whatever, a year and a half of no street drugs! Part of me is like WTF and the other is like well duh, everyday is normal clean now. I hardly think of using anymore, days and weeks can go by but they do come up every once in a while but I'm able to use the logical part of me and say that it's just not a good idea. I have come so far and I don't want to throw it all away for a moment of pleasure that I can get from other healthier ways anyhow. I also have way less using dreams but when I'm stressed like I was for all my final exams, I had a very vivid using dream involving mounds of cocaine and huge rocks of crack. I could actually feel the rush but I'm just glad it wasn't real, it shook me a bit emotionally but it's still not real. I guess those are some of the changes I have noticed over the year but there's also being alot more aware, able to care about and think about others, able to do schoolwork, able to take care of myself, able to do basically everything I couldn't before. It's pretty darn great. I'm actually living now, instead of just suffering all the time and wishing I was dead. I really feel like a prisoner set free and my effort along with God's guidance and love got me out. Ah relief! I can relax again and have true fun, not self-destructive 'fun'. Maybe there should be a word for that, for having fun at great cost and with bad consequences: to fundestruct. Yeah, I'm free from fundestructing all the time. And yes, I can be silly now without being high too. I hope in the future I'll also be free from my fear of other people and be silly with anybody...