drawn out

I don't really get crazy panicky, lightly psychotic episodes anymore. Instead it's like I'm permanently in a quieter, toned-down version with little energy... I feel like I'm tottering on the edge of sanity forever. Each day I'm not sure I'll make it to the next but I'm also not sure how long I can take this. On a totally different, super awesome note, I beat my gameboy brother's minesweeper record on expert! 194 seconds! I know, this means I've been playing it waaay too much but it's keeping me more sane for now

despair/thankfulness

That's how I'm feeling right now. Boy, my last few entries have been pretty ridiculously emotional but you know, that's just what's always buzzing around my head. Everything's so damn intense! I got kicked out of the crisis center today because I still had joints when I went home on visits and continued self-harming behaviours. I'm just clinging on to what little endurance I have left until I see some lady from my dad's church who heals people and said God sent her to Montreal to heal someone so she wants to see if that's me. I don't know what to expect. I certainly do believe in miracles so we'll see. But apparently her english is pretty bad... Well anyway I don't know what else to do, got not much else to lose to keep trying. Or else it's off to the hospital again, and believe me, you do NOT want to be sober in a Quebec hospital ER. On a much more positive note, I am still reading the Bible everyday myself and certainly do feel closer to God than I have in many years.

light in the dark

Even though I'm going through my own personal hell right now (definitely am being spiritually, emotionally and psychologically attacked by demons or what have you) I can see signs that God really is in control of everything and helping me through each day, each hour. I ended up in the ER again, this time an accumulation of drugs over the past month or so plus a little medication with alcohol is what did it. They let me recover, didn't know what to with me and so sent me to the crisis center where I met a fellow Christian who insisted on reading the Bible together and that was really good. I didn't have the strength to read it myself. Now I'm trying to read by myself everyday and claim God's strength as my own since I choose to trust in Him. Then when I went home for just an hour or so to pick up some stuff the other day, it just so happened that 2 Jehovah's Witnesses came to my door. They have been visiting me a few times now but it was really crazy how they happened to show up right when I was home. As fellow Christians they encouraged me and have been wonderfully non-judgmental despite my self-destructive actions. My brother has also been insisting that he is hearing from God that He will heal me soon. And so I wait. But I am so worn out still. I'm pretty much under partial suicide watch at the center.
Another personal revelation: Everything I hate the most in other people (inconsistency, hypocrisy, judgmental, not self-aware, resistant to change, fearful of new things etc) are what I am except even worse than the people I saw them in in the first place! In other words, I've been learning alot about myself these past 2 years and that's an understatement. Basically it's been a horrific journey of self-discovery where I'm finally starting to see who I really am and I'm everything I hate. All this time I have been believing lies about myself and had no idea. I looked down on people who were obviously in denial about themselves but it turns out I was the one who was most in denial! And it's horrifying for me to realize this. To see myself as I really am: so weak, foolish, so fearful of change and abandonment, undependable, addicted... All my life I pleaded with the Lord to change me quicker into His likeness but I now see I can't even handle a glacial pace and I can hardly believe it. The audacity I had to believe I was spiritually advanced!
So, here's yet another poignant song I've been listening to:

Why Do I Lie?
by Luscious Jackson

would love to be better
I would love to be free
I would love to be perfect
when you look at me
but instead I’m still crying
yes instead I’m still lying
sad to say I’m still trying
not to be me
when I see all the weakness
that I turned into sickness
I still think I can slide
just fine on the ice
it's not easy to be honest
sometimes I’m just astonished
how hard it can be to be true

why do I lie?
is it just to get by
if I give up my lines
will I die?
if fortunes are favoured
then I am in labour
and I’m trying so hard
to leave lying behind

I don't want to be hazy
I don't think that I’m crazy
but I’ve had some moments
where I am not sure
and if you can forgive me
for just being human
then I will try harder
to keep my words pure

I could be on the border
it could be a disorder
honestly I think
that I can come clean
and all of my stories might even be boring
if I can tell you
what they all mean

total burnout

Haven't written here in a while because I'm going through some strange, calm, desperate personal hell which is driving me nuts. So nuts that my rational thinking is totally shot. I can't do school, or help out around the house much. Every waking moment is a stupid monumental struggle to get through. It's been 2 months of this slowly escalating as I tried to stop it by doing things like watch movies, walk in forest with friend, play piano/guitar, listen to favorite music but as those things work less and less I get more and more desperate to escape the ridiculous criticizing chatter in my head so I do more desperate things. Like be high all the time, start drinking everyday etc. Now even those things aren't really helping, so I turn to directly hurting myself for relief to see my blood and feel pain that's more pleasurable than what's torturing me in my head. I can't bear reality with a twisted state of mind like this for all that long till I just get totally worn out, burnt out. And then more and more thoughts of dying come to mind all the time. Is this what being attacked by the devil is? or maybe I'm simply a sinful fool and this is just how it's supposed to be for me. I know God doesn't put us through anything we cannot handle with His help but even with His help I'm getting to the end of my rope. My dad too. If I end up in the hospital again I'm fairly sure he'll kick me out of the house and cut me off because he's just too stressed out by me and I don't blame him. I'M stressed out by me! What do I do? Where do I go? Sometimes I get the feeling God wants me to sit and do nothing. Just wait on Him. But that could be completely false. Anyhow, I can't take it anymore. It has become too much to care about anything. I still trust and have faith in God but this is getting too much for me.

I am too weak God. How many times do I have to hit rock bottom?! I'm trying to be patient and I know You will heal me but I've got nothing left. I just want a time-out from life for a little while. A break, a real time of rest and then I can keep trying to get better. Rest. Rest! Just give me a little rest! I know I don't deserve it but... help! I don't know where to turn anymore. What do You expect of me anyways? I'm just getting worse while people try to help, get frustrated and abandon me! I'm not sure I have many friends anymore and you know my nightmare is everyone abandoning me. I can't even talk to my psychologist one-on-one anymore since I'm in his therapy group so it feels like he's abandoning me too and with my pastor on vacation for 4 weeks in Korea I am left without the two people I trusted the most! Of course this happens right when I need them! I thought You were helping me through them! If only I could talk to my mom. But she commited the ultimate abandonment; dying! Now, for the rest of my waking life I'll never get to see her again, sort things out or receive her advice. She fucked me up, abandoned me on this crazy planet and now I'm so lost. Why did You have to take her away?! Couldn't You have waited a couple more years or something?? What good am I to You like this?? I'm in so much emotional pain, so self-centred, depressed, angry, sad, tired, useless, whiny, pathetic, lonely, addicted that there's no way I can love and care for others. I feel like a depressive black hole where Your many gifts and blessings just get sucked up and go to waste. Surely it is best for everybody if You just take me away right now. Or just make me disappear. I can rest in nothingness.
And I know I will find all of this ridiculously stupid if I read it over. Does my foolishness never end??!

Been listening to Towards Dead End over and over again by Children of Bodom. I just love the guitar parts and really, the song in it's entirety. Turns out the lyrics (that I could barely make out by listening anyway) describe how I'm feeling quite well. I think Alexi Laiho might have BPD himself or had/has borderline tendencies. But he ain't too good at writing in English sometimes...

Towards Dead End:
No flickering light at the end of the path
Confront repressions of the past
Fear... Prevail... Insanity... Obey!
Draw back in silence to dwell in anxiety
No matter where I am, I'm alone
My dreams are shattered into thousand running tears
The tears keep dripping down, down,down, down from my veins
I'm walking towards dead end and I'm walking all alone
Two steps behind insanity
There's no starlight guiding my way through this downward death row
Soon will be the time I have to go...
Little by little the end is drawing near
Another night and so little blood to spare(Ya can hurt me... but ya can't possess me ´Y know...)
Kill me, hurt me, fuck me, rape me, you won't have me!
Draw back in silence to dwell in anxiety
No matter where I am, I'm alone
I'm crying out loud the tears of blood I bleed
so fuck the world, I'll go now, I don't care. (Who cares?)
I'm walking towards dead end, I'm walking all alone
Two steps ago I passed insanity
There's no starlight guiding my way through this downward death row
So now is the time I have to go