no more alcohol for me

I'm done trying to control my drinking. I never got into any serious trouble because of it but I can't deny any more that it doesn't help me at all either. It's a depressant and only momentarily fun. Plus I know I'm an addict. Addicts generally get addicted to more than one thing and I'm no exception. I've been drinking more and more even though I tell myself it's my least favourite drug. I have to face the facts: I drink to get drunk. I like being drunk. The last time I drank I ended up watching Friends naked and laughing by myself. I always drink more than I intend to. I'm better off without it. Another major reason for stopping drinking is because I want to be helpful to others in MA, AA, etc... A lot of women newcomers came yesterday to MA and I gave them my number to be there for them. If they call and I am drinking, that would be pretty bad and I would be useless to them if not harmful. Also, as a future therapist I want to know what it's like to quit everything. Alcoholics have it harder in some ways than other drug addicts. Everyone likes to drink in our society. Just going to the dep or grocery store you can see your drug of choice right there. There's ads about drinking. All that just doesn't happen with weed or cocaine for example. I want to experience the challenge to fully sympathize. So here I go. Official sober date is May 18th 2015.

I see why wedding planning is stressful...

There's so many considerations, people to please, details to think about plus it's so easy to become a perfectionist freak that I really should have prayed before I started planning our wedding. But thankfully I remembered to before really planning much out. I got the message that I really have to be spiritually strong to get through this in one piece. I don't want to become egotistic and overly demanding. I don't want to get lost in the details and obsess over how to make it as pretty and fun as possible. What's actually important is making a commitment before God, family and friends and celebrating that together. The rest is extraneous. Now I just have to repeat that to myself over and over as I freak out over how expensive everything is...

Lol I know this is what my fiance is thinking as I look up venues that cost 10000$ just to rent.

wedding planning

Oh God I hope I don't turn into a bridezilla.

BTW who are you all?

I've noticed an uptick in pageviews here and I can't understand it. Is it just bots or spamming? Are there actually that many people reading this random stuff that doesn't relate to anyone but myself? On the off chance there is, I'd like to hear from you maybe... unless you're a troll.

Thank you for the roller-coaster mother's day

NOT. I had great cheap all-you-can-eat sushi with friends of friends and that was nice. Then on the metro this kid was crying and calling for his mom and that drove me up the wall. Then just seeing all the kids around me with their parents drove me crazy and women with flowers... I got home and refuse to leave. I can't even open my email safely today. I received news of someone's death. And of course I'm staying the hell away from facebook. Not even i can haz cheeseburger is safe, they have mother's day stuff on the front page. I went over to the neighbours to pet their incredibly friendly cat. It was even more affectionate than usual, climbing up my chest and rubbing its face against mine over and over again. So cute. I think it knew I am upset. And it tried to eat my mother's wedding ring around my neck. Somehow I think it means something but probably not. I texted some ppl but it looks like no one can hang out. I'd like to play board games to distract myself. Normally I would knit but my current project is for a future mother's future baby. Arg. I can't believe how sensitive I am today. I just keep having great times and then horrible times and great and horrible and over and over even in the same minute. I can't do anything like this. I am getting a bit scared of myself but I prayed and I know God is protecting me, even from myself. What else can I do but trust at this point.

grief hangover

I actually feel better today. Not totally recovered from Monday but still much calmer. I think I am slowly being turned right side in with my tougher wiser adult self on the outside where it should be and my fragile inner child back on the inside. I kinda feel like I have a grief hangover. Not drunk with sorrow but still worn out and kind of stunned and slow though much improved. It's weird. And is complicating deciding whether to take a summer course that started this week or not. I'm gonna wait for Friday and ask my psychologist. I just can't decide and asking God for wisdom is hard right now. Well I better try to stay on the bright side. Thank you Lord for my dreams not being from my PTSD any more and finally peaceful sleep. I even dreamt I got to meet Alexi Laiho from Children of Bodom and it was amazing. I also thank you Lord for good friends and family and the support of MA meetings and the power of prayer. I know many people prayed for me on Monday and I know it helped. And thank you Lord for protecting me from bad triggers. Please protect me from the massive trigger that is mother's day.

bleh may 4th again

I had the worst night in terms of dreams last night. I guess because it is the 11th anniversary of my mom's death today. She was in my dreams and then I dreamt I was being rejected by all my loved ones etc... they were PTSD dreams and I woke up feeling like I was turned inside out with my inner child on the outside and my adult self trapped on the inside. I couldn't sleep without a light on and dreams of corpses scared me (normally they don't but it was my biggest fear when small) and I was terrified of my mom as if she could pop up and treat me like she did when I was little. I would fall asleep again since my meds are sedative but then I would wake up terrified, fall asleep again and then wake up and again and again and again all night. And now I'm hyper sensitive emotionally and so worn out and sad and nervous and scared. I'm afraid I might have to go to the hospital but I just keep on telling myself that all I have to do is not act on my feelings and they will pass. Simple but very hard.
We went to the cemetery for the first time in years and blew bubbles in the wind for my mom. It was a beautiful afternoon. Then we went to MA and a story we read in the meeting spoke of re-parenting yourself if you had bad parents. And my SO pointed out that that probably means loving yourself. I thought I was good enough at that already since I have improved a lot but I guess I still have a while to go.