better, worse, ninjas and stigmas

I am having a pretty hard time. Alot of little things are bugging me and building up. It's just so frustrating that this is happening so soon after I got out of the hospital. It's only been 2 weeks but it feels like 2 months. I have to try harder to ask for help when I can't take it anymore instead of immediately doing something stupid. I can't even bring myself to write about what's troubling me the most because it's so upsetting at the moment. For now, the green stuff makes everything more bearable. I feel stupid even writing this much.

On a more interesting note, I have heard from friends that an aquaintance from the hospital who is very charming and fun to talk to has fallen into a schizophrenic episode. He believes ninjas are after him and bugged his place. He would stalk his girlfriend to make sure she didn't get attacked and spread salt and water all over his walls to keep them out. He's always armed with knives. He'll probably end up hospitalized again soon. It's hilarious and so sad at the same time. He'll never be able to consistently function in society even though he's otherwise intelligent and friendly.

Sometimes I see mental health articles in the newspaper and it's often about depression and how there shouldn't be any stigma surrounding mental illnesses in general. That's just wishful thinking. When you have a mental illness it means something's wrong in your brain and mind so of course you feel weaker and stupider than the average, healthy person. The simple fact is that it feels shameful to have a mental illness. When I tell some people that I have BPD and clinical depression I am admitting my worst flaws. I am admitting I have thoughts and actions that are the polar opposite to what I really want; that I'm lazy and sometimes cannot control myself or my thoughts to extreme levels.

Overreacted?

Ok, so maybe I overreacted with my agent a little. He says he will keep a maximum of two beers for the day if I come over. So I did and we all had fun again but I couldn't stay long. I don't know what I was freaking out about. I just get so afraid everybody will leave me and I know it's completely irrational but I still can't stop being scared and I hate myself for it.

Then I got upset and almost had an episode again over a bird. My neighbour's cat (I call her Frank but they call her Kittie. Kittie?!) came over to visit me as she often does because she's such a people cat. We played with string and eventually stopped. And then I saw out the window that she was playing again but with something else. It was a poor bird and she was tossing it around and biting its head, killing it so slowly. For a little while I was so shocked at the bird's suffering I didn't know what to do. Then I picked it up with a plastic bag, found it wasn't flapping around but shaking slightly. I did everything I was supposed to do. I put it in a box with the cover loosely sitting on it so the bird calms down. I called a bird sanctuary and was preparing to drive all the way to Hudson because it would need antibiotics at least. But it died. At first it looked like it was just staring off into the distance and then its eyelids drooped and it looked like it was peacefully sleeping. Death is quite peaceful in a way. I was ok for a bit but finally I couldn't help it. I was so strongly reminded of how my mother died right in front of my eyes. She looked like she was just sleeping but then the monitors started going off and so on. After doctors tried to revive her, that was it. She would never open her eyes again. So quick and quiet. I couldn't believe that that was it at first. What just happened? She isn't moving, responding to touch at all now. I'm just blathering on here. Anyways, it's like my memories got triggered by the death of the bird and they were extremely painfully haunting me. Forcing me to relive the emotions. Driving me nuts. Arg.
I am ok now. Just ok. I'm not doing much. Just smoking really. And trying to finish things on my list. Keep painting. May work on my song now.

less friends

I've suddenly had to cut off a bunch of friendships, mostly the ones made in the hospital. I thought I could help them but in the end they were dragging me down with their own insane drama. Making my drama worse. I hate it when I have to do that. On a side note, schizophrenia really sucks. And, everyone has big issues in a psych ward even if they deny it or seem normal. So, I think that's 3 friends I lost at once. One of them is my agent. Turns out he gets violently out of control when drunk and he's been drinking more and more. I never want to see him again. Not safe. I got through the beginning of May, horribly, but got through it so this week has been better and I'll get through the end of May too. I still do lunches and drive my brother everyday and I finished another painting. The rest of the time I've been goofing off and smoking and checking the weather website everyday. I've just got to somehow relax more. For some reason it's really hard to do, sometimes I'm unconsciously stressed but think I'm not.

shitty tab links

Ok I realized that my upload links don't work after a certain while so if you have come here for the tabs and the links don't work then just write what you want in a comment or something and I can reupload it.

back home again x2

I ended up in the psych ward again and just got out yesterday after a week and a half. I'm disappointed in myself and I had to be completely strapped down again but at least I feel better now. It's like I have to hit rock bottom to be jarred out of crappy thinking patterns that every once in a while seem to possess me. I know my mind is lying to me but I still can't help believing it because it feels truthful. I made a new friend and met up again with two girls I had been visiting. One of them is really not doing well, the place is driving her more nuts, so I pray for her.
It's just that the beginning of May is really not good for me since that's when my mother died and also there's Mother's Day. And, as I wrote before, I was using weed to slow down the progressively negative thoughts building up in my head but eventually I got too low to handle myself which coincided with the past crappy week.
But now I'm doing better. Not amazingly but I do have projects I want to work on which is good:
- read the Bible regularly as my pastor dictates in terms of how much and when
- I need to get ready for the art sale by putting together a website for my work and print out business cards...
- continue working on the song I'm writing
- continue making my dad and brother's lunches and driving my bro to the station
- practice some guitar technique
- walk to the cemetery and back twice a week
- visit the girls at the ward with guitar once a week
- paint more paintings
- eventually continue tabbing Antestor

Oh boy, I guess I'll see how it goes with all these things to do. I'm terrible at being consistent with anything but I've got to try.