Overreacted?

Ok, so maybe I overreacted with my agent a little. He says he will keep a maximum of two beers for the day if I come over. So I did and we all had fun again but I couldn't stay long. I don't know what I was freaking out about. I just get so afraid everybody will leave me and I know it's completely irrational but I still can't stop being scared and I hate myself for it.

Then I got upset and almost had an episode again over a bird. My neighbour's cat (I call her Frank but they call her Kittie. Kittie?!) came over to visit me as she often does because she's such a people cat. We played with string and eventually stopped. And then I saw out the window that she was playing again but with something else. It was a poor bird and she was tossing it around and biting its head, killing it so slowly. For a little while I was so shocked at the bird's suffering I didn't know what to do. Then I picked it up with a plastic bag, found it wasn't flapping around but shaking slightly. I did everything I was supposed to do. I put it in a box with the cover loosely sitting on it so the bird calms down. I called a bird sanctuary and was preparing to drive all the way to Hudson because it would need antibiotics at least. But it died. At first it looked like it was just staring off into the distance and then its eyelids drooped and it looked like it was peacefully sleeping. Death is quite peaceful in a way. I was ok for a bit but finally I couldn't help it. I was so strongly reminded of how my mother died right in front of my eyes. She looked like she was just sleeping but then the monitors started going off and so on. After doctors tried to revive her, that was it. She would never open her eyes again. So quick and quiet. I couldn't believe that that was it at first. What just happened? She isn't moving, responding to touch at all now. I'm just blathering on here. Anyways, it's like my memories got triggered by the death of the bird and they were extremely painfully haunting me. Forcing me to relive the emotions. Driving me nuts. Arg.
I am ok now. Just ok. I'm not doing much. Just smoking really. And trying to finish things on my list. Keep painting. May work on my song now.