worrying and shrooming

I'm officially stressed. I just said good bye to the best psychologist I've ever had so for 3 months I won't be seeing him, I'm starting a new DBT program which is scary because I have to meet new people and trust a new group of professionals and it's why I had to stop seeing my regular psychologist, my dad is again iffy about the lady who has become like a second mother to me and so she may have to disappear from my life yet again and I'm still struggling to have more clean days especially no drinking. And of course there's the stress of maybe going back to school. So, I took a mushroom from the batch I've been growing. It was my first time and I tripped pretty hard. Everything was more intense and for a while I couldn't stop staring at pictures of space because it felt like I was literally in space gazing at the galaxies and the solar system. Everything was moving and I could see patterns and colours and the fish I was putting into the oven was staring at me with a moving eye pleading not to be cooked. A definite plus to it all was that there was no way I was going to take any other drug or drink.

withdrew

I had a day last week when I said, "I'm not going to have anything today. Why should I? It's no big deal, I can do it." It was harder than I thought but I did it and went to bed mostly satisfied. Then I had an emotional nightmare I can't remember now and when I woke up I was in at least strong psychological and somewhat physical withdrawal. I felt like a shrivelled up prune and hollow inside. I felt ill like there was socks stuffed in my head and like I was lacking something inside. For the first time in a while I craved any sort of drug first thing I woke up in the morning and it was horrible. I had already insisted with myself that I would never have anything first thing in the morning anymore and realized it must be because I stayed clean the day before and only on my own meagre strength. And I hadn't been praying the past few days so I knew I had to pray asap. I prayed for God's strength and support and apologized for trying to do it by myself and He gave me a vision. I saw a huge tree reaching to the skies with pretty leaves and it had fruit that glowed brightly with different coloured light. And when you wanted it to it would fall and you easily catch and eat it. It was spiritual food and many animals would come to eat it too. I sat there and ate a whole bunch but then realized it would take time to digest, something I couldn't speed up no matter how many I had. I haven't had a clean day since but I'm still somewhat restraining myself.

too much effort

So God humbled me by not warning me of the fact that my passport was expired and so no trip to Florida after all. Oh well, so I'm humbled which is a good thing. I'm reminded that I cannot be perfect as much as I'd like to be. Only God can. Next subject, life takes too much effort. I'm so not designed or capable for living on this earth. Everything just takes too much out of me and there is no rest. Even asking for God's help takes effort. I always have to try my best at everything and I'm just too tired to keep it up. So I drink and drug more. And thus worry that I'll be kicked out of this new DBT group at the hospital yet again. But I only do small amounts of everything. It's laughable amounts to be sent to rehab for so I guess I should be safe. I'll just have to keep trying my best as therapy starts soon. I'll be meeting my individual therapist next week and I'm really nervous about it. I'm afraid he'll turn out like my old therapist at the addiction centre who only succeeded in pissing me off. And three weeks sobriety which was the most I could handle...

family pics

We spent alot of our time when visiting family looking at family photos. It was fun to see our dads and aunts and uncles and grandparents at varying stages of life, especially in their 20's I guess since I'm in my 20's now. And my dad or uncles or grandparents would point at the people we couldn't recognise, like here's you're grandma's dad who was a school principal, these are family friends who became doctors, your dad's close friend who teaches at Stanford and is a math genius, your grandpa's brothers who he put through all their post-secondary schooling, your grandma's problem brother who's the gambler and lost alot but has slowed down recently etc... And I couldn't help but wonder, what would they say about pictures of me to someone else in the family? Would I be labeled like that gambler great-uncle? Here's our problem granddaughter who's an addict and mentally ill. And that's all I would be labeled and seen as capable of. I know they wouldn't say that now about me but if all my problems continue for years they just might. Well what can I do about it really. All I can do is try my best with life and keep faith in God.

It was jarring to see occasional photos of my mom with my dad in Europe, then the marriage day and with me and my brother. She was so pretty and had a funny habit of blinking in alot of photos. I tried to see if I could tell she had issues and emotional pain but I couldn't really. I wondered if I could see evidence of her mood swings and hurtful anger in pictures of her and me when I was little but I couldn't see much. Maybe something in her eyes but she mostly looked like another wife and mom amongst my dad's extended family.

Then we saw photos of me growing up. I wondered if people could tell that this cute little girl would grow up to be mentally unstable and a drug addict. Could I tell by looking at my face that I had no self-esteem, not enough nurturing and always so fearful? Not really, I covered it up by smiling goofily alot. Appearances don't reveal much, I must remind myself no matter how insightful I think I may be.

Well I'm off to Florida for a week. Woo roadtrip and Harry Potter world!

if I just had my mom

If I just had my mom around I would be doing so much better. She'd keep an eye out for me and she'd know any time I'd be getting into trouble or already in it and then she'd do something about it. Yes I need to be babied, I'm not very good at taking care of myself OK? If she was around she would ask me where I'm going, what I'm doing, why is my nose blocked and runny so often, why all the sniffling/snorting and staying up late, why am I drinking everyday, how am I feeling today, do you need help figuring things out today, no I didn't mean all that I said to you when you were young, I really do love you and accept you for who you are, I had my own issues but I'll try to teach you to take care of yourself now, I'll be by your side always, I won't let you go we'll fight this together, we'll start everything anew together now...

God please resurrect my mom, I'm falling to pieces without her. How could you take away my best friend in the world and leave me with nothing equal? Yes I'm selfish and needy. Look at me now...

Cue Good Grief music from Peanuts before I hurt myself.