family pics

We spent alot of our time when visiting family looking at family photos. It was fun to see our dads and aunts and uncles and grandparents at varying stages of life, especially in their 20's I guess since I'm in my 20's now. And my dad or uncles or grandparents would point at the people we couldn't recognise, like here's you're grandma's dad who was a school principal, these are family friends who became doctors, your dad's close friend who teaches at Stanford and is a math genius, your grandpa's brothers who he put through all their post-secondary schooling, your grandma's problem brother who's the gambler and lost alot but has slowed down recently etc... And I couldn't help but wonder, what would they say about pictures of me to someone else in the family? Would I be labeled like that gambler great-uncle? Here's our problem granddaughter who's an addict and mentally ill. And that's all I would be labeled and seen as capable of. I know they wouldn't say that now about me but if all my problems continue for years they just might. Well what can I do about it really. All I can do is try my best with life and keep faith in God.

It was jarring to see occasional photos of my mom with my dad in Europe, then the marriage day and with me and my brother. She was so pretty and had a funny habit of blinking in alot of photos. I tried to see if I could tell she had issues and emotional pain but I couldn't really. I wondered if I could see evidence of her mood swings and hurtful anger in pictures of her and me when I was little but I couldn't see much. Maybe something in her eyes but she mostly looked like another wife and mom amongst my dad's extended family.

Then we saw photos of me growing up. I wondered if people could tell that this cute little girl would grow up to be mentally unstable and a drug addict. Could I tell by looking at my face that I had no self-esteem, not enough nurturing and always so fearful? Not really, I covered it up by smiling goofily alot. Appearances don't reveal much, I must remind myself no matter how insightful I think I may be.

Well I'm off to Florida for a week. Woo roadtrip and Harry Potter world!