Merry Christmas everyone!

And happy holidays! We barely got our outdoor lights and Christmas tree up in time as usual. The holidays have been mostly good to me. We threw a surprise birthday party for the close family friend who I like to consider a second mom. She was sooo happy and said it felt like she was in a dream. Success! It feels so good to make other people happy. It was also a friend's birthday party at a bar and she loved the present from me. Success again! But, me and my bf overdrank and had to wait hours at my car to sober up to drive. Got home at 5am yikes. I really have to be careful about this drinking thing. It seems the more people are around me, the more I feel like drinking. A friend says maybe it's social anxiety but I was surrounded by good friends that I'm not anxious around. I think it's whether there's a party atmosphere or not. It's like a trigger to have more and get drunk as a result. I'm going to my bf's family Christmas party and there will be 50 people there so I'm gonna do my best to be careful. I'm definitely gonna be anxious being around that many people I barely know. Another thing that added to my holiday cheer is that I got an A+ in biology!
And of course, the most important thing that has given me inner joy is God incarnated on earth to save me from myself. This Christmas I'm more thankful than ever before and I get tears of joy thinking about how Jesus used everything I went through to set me free from addiction. Free from the worst slavery I thought was possible for me. I really feel like a prisoner finally set free. I could fall into the same trap again but I really hope not. I've been in hospitals now enough to last a lifetime.

deeper into the Relationship

Today I finally took time apart to spend with God in prayer and listening to Him in meditation and it was soo good as usual. I haven't been doing this in a while and I'm not sure why except maybe simple forgetfulness and laziness. I still felt close to Him but I wasn't putting in the time to properly be with Him with no distractions. I was able to pray a little bit at a time all throughout the day, mainly being thankful but that was it. It's still important to stay connected to God throughout the day but you need both constant awareness of Him and time set apart with Him alone. And after years of avoiding reading the Bible by myself, I find I am seeing the Word with new eyes. I avoided it so much because in my dark times and the shitty mindset I was in, I could read nothing but condemnation in the Bible. Any time I opened it up, all I saw was God's intolerant holiness, I could see no love and only felt more discouraged and down on myself afterwards. Now I see so much more, especially God's providence and incredible love. Yes He is perfection and holy, untouchable. Yet He stoops down to love us and care for us in our daily lives and in every moment we exist. This huge contrast still blows my mind and it's hard to picture someone who is both perfectly holy and loving but I trust God's nature now. He created me for a reason and I live for Him now. If I could have my way and He didn't care about anybody or didn't exist, I would gladly take my life. I'm too sensitive for this harsh world but apparently He'll use that too for His glory one day. Certainly being sensitive will help me to help others in the future.