quitting and trying trying

I'm pissed off at my addiction therapist. I know it's partly me projecting my feelings about myself onto her but I'm also sure she is indeed frustrated and impatient with me. A couple days ago she confronted me about the fact that I drank almost everyday the week I got out of detox and said that if I used anything one more time they're going to kick me out of the program. Fine. But then she went on and on about how I sabotage my own treatment and don't move forward and I said I guess it's fear and she said, "fear of growing up?" So what if it is? I need help with it then! And then she says I'm ambivalent about quitting, sitting on the fence and I'd say that's true but that's also a trait of BPD, I'm not doing it on purpose and it's going to take me longer to change it than the average person because I suffer from BPD. I said change is going to be slower for me because of the disorder and she dismissed me as if I'm just using the diagnosis as an excuse. She said it's just a label like bipolar, depression, schizophrenia. When I see her next I'm going to tell her that such people with those other diagnoses still have an easier time with change since they can still make decisions unfettered, though probably sometimes misguided. The nature of my issues directly affect my ability to stick with decisions and follow through since I'm on a roller-coaster of intense emotions and misperceptions that change several times a day. And then she had the nerve to say I shouldn't get more in-patient treatment because I get comfortable and then don't try hard enough to change. That is complete bullshit. I need more help, not less and not all patchy as it is at this center. Being in rehab in December for 28 days was not long enough to truly change since changing one's personality takes even more time than changing habits. She's saying I shouldn't get more help because I'm afraid of change and thus will sabotage myself. But I still want to change so WTF?! It's obvious that only the Holy Spirit can heal me. Stupid professionals.

anointed

I just went to a different church's Friday youth service that my brother had been going to and encountered God the Healer there. He spoke through the leader straight to me and it was a wonderful confirmation of what little faith I did have. The leader was moved to pray for me and speak with me, like God was expecting to meet me there at that moment. And I could finally feel God's love for me and was assured that He will indeed heal me and the leader prophesied what I had always innately felt; that God has a great purpose for me and my suffering and that's why Satan has been working so hard to destroy me. I've felt deeply called by God since I was 9 but I also started suffering psychologically and spiritually and by the time I was 13 I was acting out and clinically depressed, with occasional but scary hallucinations. That's why I have a tattoo of a gear on fire. It's me being purified by God's fire, there is a purpose to all my suffering and it's so nice to be reminded of that truth. I'm going to start attending this church and the Friday service regularly. Afterall my current pastor even admitted to me I need a more consistent congregation who can properly love me as brothers and sisters in Christ. I know the struggling isn't over yet but finally I can see some relief. The true solution is in sight and I know Jesus can heal me on a more fundamental level than any psychiatric ward, rehab or therapy program can. Of course that doesn't mean they're not useful or that I wont take advantage of them but they can't fill the God-shaped void inside. The leader anointed me with oil for healing but also for the future service I will do in God's name which is what I've always wanted for my life, even more than drugs.

white knuckling it

I got kicked out of the hospital 2 days ago, well not really but it felt like it. On Monday I overdosed on sleeping pills, prayed that I would find some peace in heaven but yet again I didn't die. I was allowed to take short outings from the ward so that's when I got the pills, took them all in a hospital bathroom and then went back to the ward to enjoy a last meal but my roommate noticed I looked ill, called a nurse over and then I woke up in the ICU. Apparently I fell in front of everybody and had a seizure and they had to call a code blue on me (when a patient goes into cardiac arrest I think). Soon after I was conscious again they released me back to the ward where they discharged me just 2 days later as planned. Yes I was admitted as a detox patient but now you're going to release me just as my psychiatric problems get worse? They're the reasons why I started doing drugs in the first place and now I'm supposed to stay clean by myself?! I'm still going to the Day program everyday but that's still only 2 hours of support everyday from 24 hours everyday. So now I feel like I'm white knuckling it, living as an addict without the substances and hating being sober. I already had 2 beers as soon as I got home because they were there and I couldn't help myself. This is the most insane struggle I've ever found myself in. I pray I didn't go through 2 and a half weeks of detox for nothing.

cleaning up

We actually get one hour of internet access each day so here I am writing from a psychiatric ward and this place is a hotel compared to the other psych ward I went 4 times to. There are still unstable people I have to deal with, like a lady who's really loud and steals other people's stuff all the time. I keep my music player and expensive headset around my neck at all times. I have a nice and quiet roommate and the staff are amazing. They don't seem to let anyone fall through the cracks. The nurses always make sure to know how you are doing and like to sit down and talk with you if you're upset. It wasn't always that way at the other ward, some were downright condescending and rude. But sometimes the days are long as I get used to being clean so I read the Bible more (finally) and I started a journal where I only write positive things that happened that day.
It's quite the battle though because I'm fighting my addiction and also the borderline personality crap that comes up when I'm sober. They've had to put me in the isolation room twice because I got too upset and self-destructive. Once it was because I couldn't deal with mourning for my friend who recently passed away from being an addict (couldn't deal much with it before since the drugs would take the pain away) and the other time was because it was Mother's Day and that morning my mom was in my dreams. The dream itself wasn't that negative but anytime she's in my dreams I get upset when I wake up and I'm in an emotionally vulnerable state withdrawing from weed right now. My first reaction when she appeared in my dream was oh shit. Everything has to be perfect because she's going to judge and criticize and yell at me, as if I was my childhood self again. But I had a lucid moment later and made up a sword because I knew enemies were coming and she silently approved of it. Maybe that's some sort of spiritual sign.

detoxing now

They are truly crazy over there. They gave me no warning. I'm to go into the psychiatric ward of this hospital for detox right now and they only told me about it 6 hours ago. I hoped I wouldn't need it but it's become obvious that I do. I've been drinking for 4 days straight and I'm already feeling more depressed, with more dark and destructive thoughts. I pray that I'll get better and meet some nice staff and people.