I am officially the poorest I've ever been

I have 40$ to my name. Eek! I'm so used to living off my dad's money that this is a very new experience for me. I grew up in a middle class suburb and my dad gave me money for whatever I wanted. That may have contributed to me being impulsive but maybe I would have been this way anyway. The point is, I never had to worry about money or even budget for myself. Even when I was using, my dad made it easy for me to spend his money on drugs. I've been living on loans and bursaries since we moved out and they give me a lot less in the summer, I guess because they figure I can work. But I can't. I'm still not well enough for that. So it's been tight. I'll get more money soon but it won't be that much.
Well, at least I know now how it feels to be poor. It's pretty shitty but maybe not as bad as I thought. Still pretty bad. It's quite the stressor. I have to remember that God always provides or else I will go crazy worrying about how we are to afford living.

too many goals again...

So yeah, my psychologist thinks I made too many goals for myself this summer... I think he's right. Just quitting cigs is enough on its own! Geez it's hard! I've changed my goal to just cut down to one and a half cigs a day. I really need to, it makes me shake, shortens my lung capacity for singing etc. I still am cutting down on one of my meds with approval from my psychiatrist so that's going well. As for weight loss, I am just cutting down a bit my portion sizes. I am doing my best not to go to extremes with that one. The last thing I need is an eating disorder and I know I have the risk factors for it. So really, the only thing I'm gonna work hard on is to finish my 4th and 5th steps of the 12 step program for addictions. I guess I should also make an appointment with a dentist but I really don't want to...

cancer...

I have been mentally well these days and I'm so thankful for it, but there is one major thing that I realized is bothering me underneath the daily activities. I went to see my psychologist and I couldn't stop crying over the fact that my future mother-in-law has bladder cancer. She just got surgery for the second time for it. I can't help but be reminded of my own mother's breast cancer and how it just kept coming back again and again until it took her from me. I'm so afraid that it will happen again to an amazing woman who has accepted me with all my problems, even when I was using. She's always so kind and practical and understanding. My psychologist recommended that I do something together with her or do something for her. Maybe we can go visit my mom together sometime or I could cook her dinner. Maybe go shopping together... but I don't know if I can explain to her why I want to do these things. I'm afraid I will start crying and she'd be worried for me. My psychologist says that's not a bad thing, it could bring us closer together but I still don't want that to happen...just thinking about talking to her is making me tear up arg.

S-a again!

So a crazy for sure God inspired thing happened. My friend from church whom I was with when we met S-a actually ran into her when she was out for a run! She didn't show up on Sunday because she lost the paper we wrote the info on. My friend wrote it again for her so hopefully she will show up some Sunday. Awesome Lord!

S-a

I don't know if that's how you spell her name. She just decided to randomly talk to me and a friend from church a couple days ago on a bar terrace and I could tell she was not all there. I just wasn't sure what drug it was from. She found us to be nice enough and started talking about herself, her life in Vancouver, how it fell to pieces, how she wanted a new start on the East Coast and how her family disowned her and she also got brutally raped at some point and now has PTSD from it... She sounded like a very broken person who could not accept herself and could find acceptance nowhere. My friend went out on a limb and mentioned that we go to church and that she would be welcome to come and she brightened up and talked about how she read the Bible and would love to believe. I shared with her a bit, we showed each other our scars from self-harm, told her I used to be an addict and asked if she had a problem with alcohol since she was drinking a can which was not from the bar and felt bad about it. She said yes, she's an alcoholic and tried getting psychiatric help but got nowhere. I told her to get some rest, here's our numbers and the church address and see you Sunday!
I really hope we see her Sunday.
EDIT: figured I shouldn't actually write her real name here.

oops June passed by...

The trip was amazing! We went to themed restos in Japan like Alice in Wonderland which was awesome, did some gothic lolita shopping in a whole mall floor of cool stuff, got to see a temple festival, in Korea we did loads of shopping, saw beautiful palaces, went to incredible restos, pretty bars, cosmetics, buddhist temple etc and saw my mom's side of the family which went quite well. There were only 2 comments about how I gained weight and one surprise visit from my aunt in Toronto who always says negative things about me to my face. Other than that, it was super nice to see my kind aunt who was closest to my mom and my other aunt and her husband who chatted with us a bunch. What was really funny was to see my grandpa test my fiance's tolerance for alcohol with sake because he is basically an alcoholic, even at 94. It was so great to see him, though I fear that may have been the last time I'll see him. He gave us so much money for the trip it was crazy. And he approves of my fiance which is what we came for. I miss him already.

Jetlag was pretty bad when we came back but after a week or so things are back to normal. We've been enjoying Montreal in the summer which I recommend to anyone. So many events and festivals. We went to the jazzfest a couple times, saw the fireworks competition which is still ongoing, hung out with friends on terraces and I got tickets to the best film festival ever, Fantasia.

This summer is also a summer of cutting back on meds, food and cigarettes. I have a schedule for the cigs which will see me smoke-free in a month. I know if I stop right away I'll get intense cravings for cocaine so I have to be careful. I'm also reducing Remeron, an anti-depressant that causes a lot of weight gain. Hopefully I don't need it. I'll see how my mood fares. I'm still on other meds that make me ok. And I just want to have smaller portions of food so that I lose a bit of weight. Nothing crazy or stupid.

I also want to progress in the 12 steps of recovery at MA. I am now on step 4 which is making an intense moral inventory of myself. I have to write down who I resent and why, what/who I fear and why and how that affects me now and then a list of sexual partners who I may have used or have used me. Then I need to list people that I have harmed or used. The point is to see the patterns of thinking and behaviour that are not good for me and to be freed from them by sharing the list with my sponsor and taking action in the other steps based on the list. If I accomplish some of the steps and the above things, I'll consider this a good summer!