and the ups and downs have started

I'm leery of group projects but I am very interested in research methods and how to carry out scientific studies. So I'm mostly excited. Also, my fundamentals of behavioural neurobiology class looks really interesting too. Both classes are a lot of work but so interesting at the same time. Hopefully I won't fall behind. School is so much better two courses at a time. I've had a good weekend doing some DDR at my dad's place for exercise, cooking and marinating korean bulgogi perfectly last night and enjoying a deluxe bison burger with my fiance at one of our favorite pubs and having Bible study on Thursday with nice people I can be open with. What has been not so nice are my freaking dreams. I am getting annoyed by them. First I dreamt that I was with my mom and I hugged her but too tight so she told me to stop. Then I had 5 dreams in a row in one night about getting and using mounds of cocaine. I couldn't function the rest of the day. Then last night I dreamt that me and my fiance were trying to buy speed and ecstasy in Korea (which I'm pretty sure would be nearly impossible) and for some reason it's supposed to be cheaper there and that's why we tried. And all night was about trying to score pills and buying a cell phone. What bothered me most was the mentality I had in my dream that just having pills is ok and won't ruin my life like other drugs did. I woke up wondering if that was true for a bit until logic kicked in and said NO. But now I have to keep telling my stupid brain that NO, it's not ok to have any drugs other than alcohol once in a while. It's tiring. It's like there's a kid inside my head that just doesn't take no for an answer very easily and they're throwing a tantrum: "I want my drugs NOW!!". I hope I'll be able to study with all that going on... Hmm, that would make a funny drawing...

semester started

So school has started again this week and I realized why I made myself a bit of a crazy schedule. My profs seem amazing. At least so far. I'm pretty excited about it. But also wary. You know how it is with me and February/May. My PTSD gets so triggered at these times so I decided to tell my profs right away that I might run into trouble and that I'm registered with the disabilities office. They were both incredibly understanding. Which was very reassuring. I was worried about telling them but they both appreciated it. But just the act of mentioning it in vague terms has made me more emotionally unstable, I feel drained and almost cried when out of curiosity one of them asked me for more details. I only said my PTSD gets triggered at those times and if I said anything more I think I would have fallen apart right in front of his eyes. I can only see that in retrospect though. I only seem to realize after the fact that I am emotionally affected. Oh well, I will just do my best, that's all I can do. Still, I feel very nervous about the group project we will have to do in research methods. I hate group projects. So many things can go wrong.

The hilarity and serious value of Christian metal bands

I figured I should listen to more metal that I haven't heard before so I've been going through youtube and wiki lists of Christian metal bands and while watching some videos, I realized, the whole idea of a Christian metal band is quite hilarious in one sense, and important on the other. Hilarious because metal in itself is so over the top, with its darkness and brutal sound and cookie monster vocals, it just becomes funny. I really hope no metal band takes itself too seriously. Personally, all the theatrics of it all makes metal for fun though of course you can have more serious messages if you want but there will always be a funny element to it all. That's part of why I like metal and dressing goth and such. It's nice to poke fun at yourself sometimes, knowing you have a dark part in your heart but also making fun of the melodramatic-ness of it. Mix all that with the seriousness of being Christian and you get a really ironic I don't know what to call it. I think it's a good mix though because a lot of Christians need to lighten up a bit. Which also leads me to the value of Christian metal. Some Christians still think rock is the child of the devil and that kind of logic condemns art in general. Nearly anything can be used for God's glory and/or for Satan's desires. Music is one of these things. Just because it looks and sounds dark doesn't mean it's evil duh. Same thing for people in general. Christian metal is a great outlet for metalheads like me who get sick of hearing about raping saints in the music we happen to enjoy stylistically (see Dimmu Borgir) and it can get us to laugh and vent our emotions in a positive way and it can carry the Good News to those who would've never heard it otherwise. I am quite sure that Jesus appreciates Christian metal!

Haha! A picture of unblack metal band Frost Like Ashes just for amusement. Their music is not too bad either.