Monday, September 15, 2014
first lab meeting tomorrow
This worries me at the same time as exciting me. It'll be cool to see how a psychological lab works but at the same time I will be meeting the people I will work with for the first time. I am stuck with them, no matter how their attitudes and friendliness levels are. I never feel I fit into a group. I'm so used to being the outsider that I don't talk to anyone at school except for professors. I even have trouble at church sometimes. The only place right now that I feel totally comfortable and accepted is MA. Sigh, time to go out of my comfort zones yet again. But I know this is what God wants so He will make things ok no matter what happens. I am not doing all this for my own glory, only for God's. As I've stated before, I personally would rather check out from life but I live for Him, not myself. And that has led to some amazing things so far that I would not have dreamed of before! I'm sure the miraculous process will continue as I obey!
Friday, September 12, 2014
psychopathology
I thought I would really like this class. It's all about mental illnesses, how they start, how they are treated and defined etc... Right now I'm in the chapter about possible causes and it's driving me up the wall. It is interesting but because I have multiple mental illnesses, I see my life in the book's pages. And it brings up memories of the painful past mixed with eurekas into why I have the problems I have. My prof warned the class that we would see ourselves in the diagnoses and not to freak out because most of us will not have those actual mental health problems. What about when you do? Again, I think I'm just so sensitive that it's triggering my PTSD a bit and encouraging my mind to over-analyse itself. I used to do that a lot when I was depressed but managed to stop it later with God's help. The book is awakening that horrible over-thinking habit and I really don't like that. Along with the not-so-nice comment on facebook, I was feeling shitty.
The last thing I wanted to do was go to a worship night but my friend convinced me to go and it was amazing. Very energetic and catchy. People dancing and jumping up and down kinda thing. Not normally my style but it's nice to experience the energy once in a while. There was also prayer time and that's when I brought all the crap I was thinking about to the Lord. I prayed, "I met you in a vision that was so meaningful and loving and yet I still have some serious problems. Life has gotten so much better in the last couple of years and yet I still get suicidal at the same time every year. What do I do about this? I'm so sick of the psych ward." And I heard His voice in my heart, "You have seen only a tiny fraction of the transformation you are going through. If you need to be in the hospital again next time, that's ok. It will not go on forever." And I was moved to tears. As always, He is right. I am sick of the hospital but I can't rush my inner healing. If I need to go there again, then I simply will go there again. I am going to be transformed beyond my wildest dreams. I will be able to do things I never thought I could do, which is already happening. I won't need the hospital forever. What hope this brings! I'm so used to thinking that bad things last forever and feeling hopeless because of that thinking. Ironically, feeling more at peace about possibly being in the hospital again makes me feel that I won't need to.
The last thing I wanted to do was go to a worship night but my friend convinced me to go and it was amazing. Very energetic and catchy. People dancing and jumping up and down kinda thing. Not normally my style but it's nice to experience the energy once in a while. There was also prayer time and that's when I brought all the crap I was thinking about to the Lord. I prayed, "I met you in a vision that was so meaningful and loving and yet I still have some serious problems. Life has gotten so much better in the last couple of years and yet I still get suicidal at the same time every year. What do I do about this? I'm so sick of the psych ward." And I heard His voice in my heart, "You have seen only a tiny fraction of the transformation you are going through. If you need to be in the hospital again next time, that's ok. It will not go on forever." And I was moved to tears. As always, He is right. I am sick of the hospital but I can't rush my inner healing. If I need to go there again, then I simply will go there again. I am going to be transformed beyond my wildest dreams. I will be able to do things I never thought I could do, which is already happening. I won't need the hospital forever. What hope this brings! I'm so used to thinking that bad things last forever and feeling hopeless because of that thinking. Ironically, feeling more at peace about possibly being in the hospital again makes me feel that I won't need to.
Officially gonna volunteer at a research lab!
Yay! I'm going to help a grad student conduct her experiment on rats and alcohol! The rats come in October 21st and before that I have to do some training and go to some lab meetings. Once the experiment starts I will be very busy. Hopefully not too busy. I must come in 3 times a week for about 3 hours each time plus some lab meetings. Oh God please give me the strength and commitment to be a good volunteer! I also pray that the grad student will be nice. You know oh Lord how much I'm afraid of people. Please let us have a pleasant relationship.
On a related note, I am not a fan of animal testing but I accept it as necessary for science. It's not ideal but then there's a lot in this world that is not ideal and I'm not going to single out animal testing as more evil than other things our society allows. At least it's a step up from horrific human testing that has happened in the past. I had a sort of friend attack me on facebook for volunteering at a lab with rats (she's vegetarian and all that). I understand the sentiment but I have my already stated opinion on the matter and I really don't need negativity from someone I don't know that well and who is being overly dogmatic.
And of course it makes my day worse. Just a stupid comment on facebook. I hate how sensitive I am sometimes.
On a related note, I am not a fan of animal testing but I accept it as necessary for science. It's not ideal but then there's a lot in this world that is not ideal and I'm not going to single out animal testing as more evil than other things our society allows. At least it's a step up from horrific human testing that has happened in the past. I had a sort of friend attack me on facebook for volunteering at a lab with rats (she's vegetarian and all that). I understand the sentiment but I have my already stated opinion on the matter and I really don't need negativity from someone I don't know that well and who is being overly dogmatic.
And of course it makes my day worse. Just a stupid comment on facebook. I hate how sensitive I am sometimes.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
World Suicide Prevention Day
As I think about and read about suicide, I notice there is some animosity between people who have attempted suicide or just empathize with those that have and the surviving family members or those who empathize with them.One side knows the pain of feeling suicidal, the other says there's no excuse for causing that much pain and grief on those around you. I wish this were not so. Do you get angry at someone who is unable to function because they have cancer? Or diabetes? Suicide is usually a symptom of mental illness and the brain is no exception to dysfunction. If someone is dying of cancer, would you expect them to stay alive for the sake of family and friends? Mental illness is complex and so is its relationship with self-will. The very organ you need to consider family and friends and getting help is the one that is not working properly in mental illness. Some people manage to think straight and get help, some don't and there are a lot of factors involved. I hope to research this question in the future. What differentiates someone who survives mental illness from those that don't?
There are already some obvious factors but I would like to understand in greater detail. One of them is stigma. Stigma is something we can all work on. We must not shame or guilt someone who is suicidal or who died by suicide. I know a lot of people end up asking themselves how they didn't see it coming and what they could have done differently to avoid or stop it in a family member or friend. This is a natural reaction but ultimately not very helpful. Would you ask yourself the same questions if someone died of cancer? Sometimes we catch diseases early enough to intervene with professional help, sometimes we can't. Let's not treat suicide as a character defect or something selfish any more but as a symptom of a serious disease that requires professional help.
There are already some obvious factors but I would like to understand in greater detail. One of them is stigma. Stigma is something we can all work on. We must not shame or guilt someone who is suicidal or who died by suicide. I know a lot of people end up asking themselves how they didn't see it coming and what they could have done differently to avoid or stop it in a family member or friend. This is a natural reaction but ultimately not very helpful. Would you ask yourself the same questions if someone died of cancer? Sometimes we catch diseases early enough to intervene with professional help, sometimes we can't. Let's not treat suicide as a character defect or something selfish any more but as a symptom of a serious disease that requires professional help.
school and stuff
My outfit troubles ended well and the wedding was very fancy and pretty. And I didn't get drunk! Just pleasantly tipsy. I enjoyed the rest of my summer and now school has started. I decided it was time to volunteer at a research lab at school to get research experience for grad school. I was so nervous I couldn't email any profs for a bit but finally I emailed two who I thought had interesting research and they both wrote back saying they are accepting volunteers! They both work with rats and drugs of addiction. I tried one but it didn't work out. I was about to be part of the lab when I realized he deals with heroin and cocaine in the lab. I figured it would be in liquid form so that wouldn't bother me but I asked and I would have had to deal with them in powder form! That would have been horrible. I'm sure I would eventually cave and steal from him. So I told him I am a recovering drug addict and he kindly said good luck finding another lab to volunteer at. So I talked to the second prof who only deals with alcohol and rats and she still hasn't gotten back to me about if I am accepted or not. Sigh, I hate waiting.
At least I don't have to wait any more for my loans and bursaries! I have money now! Of course, I went on a bit of a spending spree on boots and two dresses. Yeah, that's another addiction but it's better than snorting cocaine everyday. We all have our addictions, at least one. When I was using, I never went shopping, now that I don't have that any more I go shopping sometimes and smoke a couple cigarettes a day. That's not too bad.
At least I don't have to wait any more for my loans and bursaries! I have money now! Of course, I went on a bit of a spending spree on boots and two dresses. Yeah, that's another addiction but it's better than snorting cocaine everyday. We all have our addictions, at least one. When I was using, I never went shopping, now that I don't have that any more I go shopping sometimes and smoke a couple cigarettes a day. That's not too bad.
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