psychopathology

I thought I would really like this class. It's all about mental illnesses, how they start, how they are treated and defined etc... Right now I'm in the chapter about possible causes and it's driving me up the wall. It is interesting but because I have multiple mental illnesses, I see my life in the book's pages. And it brings up memories of the painful past mixed with eurekas into why I have the problems I have. My prof warned the class that we would see ourselves in the diagnoses and not to freak out because most of us will not have those actual mental health problems. What about when you do? Again, I think I'm just so sensitive that it's triggering my PTSD a bit and encouraging my mind to over-analyse itself. I used to do that a lot when I was depressed but managed to stop it later with God's help. The book is awakening that horrible over-thinking habit and I really don't like that. Along with the not-so-nice comment on facebook, I was feeling shitty.

The last thing I wanted to do was go to a worship night but my friend convinced me to go and it was amazing. Very energetic and catchy. People dancing and jumping up and down kinda thing. Not normally my style but it's nice to experience the energy once in a while. There was also prayer time and that's when I brought all the crap I was thinking about to the Lord. I prayed, "I met you in a vision that was so meaningful and loving and yet I still have some serious problems. Life has gotten so much better in the last couple of years and yet I still get suicidal at the same time every year. What do I do about this? I'm so sick of the psych ward." And I heard His voice in my heart, "You have seen only a tiny fraction of the transformation you are going through. If you need to be in the hospital again next time, that's ok. It will not go on forever." And I was moved to tears. As always, He is right. I am sick of the hospital but I can't rush my inner healing. If I need to go there again, then I simply will go there again. I am going to be transformed beyond my wildest dreams. I will be able to do things I never thought I could do, which is already happening. I won't need the hospital forever. What hope this brings! I'm so used to thinking that bad things last forever and feeling hopeless because of that thinking. Ironically, feeling more at peace about possibly being in the hospital again makes me feel that I won't need to.