too much effort

So God humbled me by not warning me of the fact that my passport was expired and so no trip to Florida after all. Oh well, so I'm humbled which is a good thing. I'm reminded that I cannot be perfect as much as I'd like to be. Only God can. Next subject, life takes too much effort. I'm so not designed or capable for living on this earth. Everything just takes too much out of me and there is no rest. Even asking for God's help takes effort. I always have to try my best at everything and I'm just too tired to keep it up. So I drink and drug more. And thus worry that I'll be kicked out of this new DBT group at the hospital yet again. But I only do small amounts of everything. It's laughable amounts to be sent to rehab for so I guess I should be safe. I'll just have to keep trying my best as therapy starts soon. I'll be meeting my individual therapist next week and I'm really nervous about it. I'm afraid he'll turn out like my old therapist at the addiction centre who only succeeded in pissing me off. And three weeks sobriety which was the most I could handle...