bleh may 4th again

I had the worst night in terms of dreams last night. I guess because it is the 11th anniversary of my mom's death today. She was in my dreams and then I dreamt I was being rejected by all my loved ones etc... they were PTSD dreams and I woke up feeling like I was turned inside out with my inner child on the outside and my adult self trapped on the inside. I couldn't sleep without a light on and dreams of corpses scared me (normally they don't but it was my biggest fear when small) and I was terrified of my mom as if she could pop up and treat me like she did when I was little. I would fall asleep again since my meds are sedative but then I would wake up terrified, fall asleep again and then wake up and again and again and again all night. And now I'm hyper sensitive emotionally and so worn out and sad and nervous and scared. I'm afraid I might have to go to the hospital but I just keep on telling myself that all I have to do is not act on my feelings and they will pass. Simple but very hard.
We went to the cemetery for the first time in years and blew bubbles in the wind for my mom. It was a beautiful afternoon. Then we went to MA and a story we read in the meeting spoke of re-parenting yourself if you had bad parents. And my SO pointed out that that probably means loving yourself. I thought I was good enough at that already since I have improved a lot but I guess I still have a while to go.