tried and failed

Yes of course my use has been increasing slowly so I figured I should try to at least cut down a bit on the smoking up. I cut down a third of a joint for a week no problem. Cut down another third and still ok. But by the next week I started drinking and snorting more, resulting in a 5 day binge that has left my brain completely drained of any feel-good chemicals. I feel like shit. And I know it's not going to stop because I still can't stop using. Every puff is digging deeper into the feel-like-shit hole and every drink and line are just even bigger and deeper scoops. I can't help but feel that I am fucked. There's only so much abuse the brain and mind can take and I'm just getting more and more unstable. I really don't know what to do anymore. Going through therapy, ending up in hospital and going to rehab were still not enough before. I feel like I need so much more help than the health system can give me and what my friends and family can give me. So I'm left all alone in my head, fighting for my life everyday. But that's not true, I'm not truly alone, God is with me always, I asked for it so I know He is there. He has to be there though I don't often feel it, otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago. I'm still going to get assessed by the centre that runs the rehab and see what happens. Needless to say, in this state I can't do much like tabbing or playing music or anything productive really... including blogging. Next post might be another week or month.