back from kinda sober NB

Discounting the fact I drank a bit everyday, I survived a mostly clean 5 day family vacation. It was a huge fight in my head but I decided not to try to bring anything and really not smoke and see what it would be like and maybe I could continue it when I got back. Well, it went alright but some of it really felt like rehab and no, I couldn't continue it when I got back. Overall it was a relaxing and fun time with my relatives who have a similar sense of humour but the mornings were hard. First off, the nights would always bring using dreams where I'm trying to or am smoking or taking something. Then I would wake up craving whatever I was dreaming about and feel generally ill without it. I'd feel too much energy and anxiety and some nausea every morning. I also got body aches, some shakes and sluggishness. Psychologically I was anxious and depressed but as the day wore on it would get better since my mind would be distracted from myself. One thing it made me realize was how strongly my brain depends on the powder too now. Even when I got back and smoked, I still had using dreams about making lines until I really had some. Yikes. So now I'm trying to cut back on that and stick more to smoking only. Sigh, I can't believe how much this has become my thing or vice. Before, it used to be a bunch of things like cutting myself, shopping and buying stuff on ebay, always having boyfriends etc... but now it's all been conglomerated into just drugs. I don't cut anymore and I hardly went shopping for myself this year or last and I only just got a new boyfriend after being single for a while. I wonder if having a boyfriend whose condition means he can't smoke or use anything anymore will help me. Before, he was making things worse since he would smoke with me all the time but now he's on meds that don't mix well with any drugs so he only has cigarettes now and so far I am smoking a bit less than before.