recovering

I am so thankful first to God and then to myself. I'm so thankful that I can now wake up every morning and feel ok, that the day will be ok and that God will give me the energy to get through it. People take this for granted and go on autopilot. But after so many years of feeling like shit every morning, feeling as if every day might be my last because I can't take life anymore, I am so thankful that things are far more normal and even enjoyable now. I'm almost done my first semester in school since my crazy crisis, and I've been getting good marks and finding my classes very interesting. There were certainly some bumps in the road but I think the desert part of my journey is ending and I'm so thankful for that. I'm even thankful for the desert times, because they have made me what I am today. I know myself so much better now, and have become so much wiser about human nature and as a result I am closer to God than I ever have been before. It's the start of what I always wanted. To be fully dependent on God and His unconditional love for me which is the foundation of being an agent of miracles in a down-trodden world. And boy do I know what it's like to be down-trodden. Everyday is a miracle when I don't use drugs and I don't hurt myself, which is every day recently. With the right meds, techniques learned from therapy and God's providence, I am ok. Which is amazing considering how I was just a few months ago. Getting clean was the hardest thing I ever had to do but wow what a difference it makes. My BPD is much less severe and I am mostly functional again. I am now doing my best to take care of myself everyday and with God keeping me safe too, I can do what I have to do: go to class, do homework, keep up hygiene etc... and I'll never take that for granted. Any time I get a craving all I have to do is remember ending up in the hospital all the time, getting strapped down like in the movies, being on suicide watch, getting occasionally mistreated by professionals and suffering through the days. I never want to go back there again. The only bad thing I do now is smoke the occasional cigarette and I'll eventually cut that out too when I'm ready. I'm a walking miracle and I hope to help others eventually get on the right path too. I'm not sure I can write about what happened the most recent time I spent in the psychiatric ward and rehab yet but this is where I'm at today and I couldn't be more thankful.