Why do I even complain? just look at my older posts before last July

Geez was I ever suffering and in a bad place before I got clean! I just looked at some of my older posts, especially around the time I went to the hospital and then directly to rehab. I was doing so horribly that total strangers online were offering to help! And of course I was too paranoid to accept any. Wow, so dramatic! I guess that makes it more interesting to read and funny in parts. You know, being high while doing or getting ready for anything including therapy. Lol. What's not so funny is remembering how I smoked up in a church bathroom and left the window open in the middle of a Canadian winter so the smell would dissipate. Woah, just writing about it I can smell the weed now. And doing lines in a church bathroom and seeing it as totally normal. I totally disrespected God and brought my own idol to His house. I could understand if I was not even Christian (it would just be rude to the congregation) but I was and am. I am truly sorry Lord. These days, being stressed out from PTSD, I sometimes miss the occasional toke, or shroom or line but yes I must remember how horrible it got. I never want to go there again. I know I will have hard days but nothing like that as long as I stay away from street drugs. And yet there is that stupid struggle in my head... I can't believe how strong addiction can be!