Dying's part of life

I know this is true. And yet I can't help but be traumatized by it. And everytime I conclude I will not be able to see a certain friend again, it feels the same. Like I just murdered them because of course, the world revolves around me as one who suffers from BPD. Losing so many friends at once with no explanation from them, the bird dying, and now my grandmother is apparently dying. My grandpa said this ever so matter-of-factly 6 days ago. I've been enduring awful pain and panic since then and I can hold out only because I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow. I thought I was doing better. I really was trying. I've been able to hold on this long but I've been battered by all these emotionally wrenching events, and so soon after I got out of the hospital. I really don't want to go back. I don't know what to do... And then there are moments where I feel like there isn't really anything wrong. I'm actually ok and I just think I'm not so I can be lazy. Anyway, all of this sounds so silly and stupid. I've got to just move on. Why can't I just move on? I've got to relax. Why can't I just relax and give myself a break? I need to make the racing thoughts stop soon.