still around somehow

I take back what I said in my last October post. Still get crazy shitty panic attack-esque episodes. Just a lot harder to get them when stoned. And that's how I've been surviving. Praying everyday and smoking up starting at 5am sometimes. Which I have recently discovered is the best time ever to take walks. It's still dark enough to see stars and shooting stars sometimes show up and you can watch the sky change colours as the sun comes up. Also, I get to gawk at people's yards and houses and hardly anyone is awake to gawk back. I've definitely become more paranoid. I just don't want people judging me. I'm afraid people can recognize me as the blue-haired girl who goes ridiculously nuts in the ER. I'm afraid people can see my pain and how immature and disordered my mind is these days. I can see how foolish and self-destructive my actions can be, and yet I cannot stop them. I've been cursed with an intelligence that can see the consequences of my impulsivity but has no control over it. What the hell happened to me to end up like this?
Speaking of ERs, I am not voluntarily going to step foot in one ever again for any psychiatric/psychological reasons whatsoever. And I will say good-bye to my relatively useless psychiatrist who I see barely once a month if that. All those psychiatrists are too busy to really give you their proper attention. All they do is keep prescribing more and more pills as if that solves everything. Meanwhile those pills cost money and side effects render what little benefits I got from them worthless. Especially Seroquel. That crap should only be taken if you have serious psychotic episodes. It is NOT a good anti-depressant, zombifies you and causes crazy weight gain and diabetes. I couldn't fit into some of my more snug dresses (incl. a Betsy Johnson dress!) anymore because of it. Thankfully that's not a problem anymore since I've stopped taking them along with some amphetamine use which always helps for that sort of thing.
I'm just trying to get through the days, waiting to see when I will get into in-patient rehab. I wasn't sure I needed it but if they can show me better ways to deal with my emotions then I figure I should try. And yes, I have become rather addicted. I can't believe it. I always kind of looked down on people like that. It just seemed foolish to keep doing something you know is ruining your life. Now I've learned that things are just not that obvious or as simple as that. I really thought I could get away with the benefits of drug use, mainly elevated mood. But I didn't count on them screwing up your brain chemicals and even structure. And so although each day is a bit easier to get through, I've still added another layer of problems on top of my borderline issues. Great. Something incredibly shocking that has not helped any of this, is the fact that one of my good friends who had ADHD that I wrote about here a couple times has passed away just before his 31st birthday on November 2nd 2010. Possibly from taking too much Seroquel with alcohol actually (he was a severe alcoholic). Can't write about it too much here because it's just so shocking and tragic and saddening and painful but we just attended a funeral and memorial service that I felt paid tribute to him very well. I just feel so bad for his parents and older sister.

Dear friend, I sincerely pray that you are at peace now, no longer suffering and destined for God's presence. I just wish I didn't have to say bye so soon. Why did you have to go and do this to us your friends and family?! I told you I wouldn't know what to do now